(originally published July 30/08)

I recieve these meditations daily at work, I find that they help me focus. They are availiable at www.whitebison.org, if you wish to check it out.
Today’s especially spoke to my heart. 
 

Great Spirit, allow me this day to be humble. Allow me this day not to seek attention, but to live quietly and keep my focus and attention on serving You.

Learning the "…To Keep Silent" portion of Wicca has been and is a challenge for me, but I think it is a worthy one, especially when I see that "witch wars" and one up-manship in our community is far too common. .  I’m not leaving myself out of that equation, but that is one reason that I stepped back into the shadows of the local community. Too much gossip, heresay, backstabbing, etc. It can become toxic. People out to prove who is a "real" Witch and who isn’t rathar than worrying about their own spirituality. This is not meant towards anyone here, just a general commentary. I’m not good at sitting back and watching (as a Leo, we tend to want to take charge, and I seem to have the inborn desire and aptitude for leadership which is not entirely a bad thing at all, if tempered), but sitting back and observing the "community" from the bleachers rathar than the stage seemed to give me the insight I needed. I’m proud to serve my community as a Priestess, and actually found that since I’ve become "quieter" during my descent to the Second Degree, that people have more sought me out rathar than the other way around. I don’t hide it, just don’t offer too much information to everyone (see one of my previous posts , last week, about my thoughts on wiccan mysteries etc.) . Moving into what the brilliant Starhawk coined "dropped and open attention", observing the world around me from a centered point, has given me a differing perspective. Maybe some people don’t need to go through the Descent process when we move away from others for a time to find ourselves, but I did, and it has served me well. The Priestess-path is isolating, but there are beacons along the way.  I think that this Old Wisdom about the Medicine Man applies to us in Wicca, too. 

I’ve found that the people that
"proclaim" the loudest often dost protest too much..they are looking for attention for a reason. I’m not immune from that category, either. Silence and patience are twin virtues that are huge struggles for me. But, I think in a society (beyond wicca or witchcraft, meaning North American society as a whole) that largely values itself on who is loudest, who is most popular and "out there", there is something to be said for those who watch and sit and keep it all in balance, like the Medicine Man. I’ve been trying to apply this lesson at work. Normally, at a new job, I’m there like a dirty shirt and making myself known. A wise manager I once had told me that sometimes it’s best to come in quietly, observe, don’t rock the ecosystem and learn from what is around you. This isn’t being passive, it’s giving someone else’s space and ways of knowing respect.  Knowing when to speak and when to listen are still challenges for me, but I am learning. I’m learning to find the value and peace that is quietness, because quietness and silence are normally things that admittedly make me uncomfortable and I want to fill them up with words. It was actually a wise Jesuit (Catholic) priest that told me once that if we can’t be comfortable with ourselves in the Silence, then something within is wrong, because we hear all the truths in silence.  I read that Medicine people don’t belong to themselves, they belong to the people and that is why thier lives often don’t feel like their own (I read this in a brilliant book called "Stolen Life: the Journey of a Cree Woman" by Rudy Wiebe and Yvonne Johnson, truly an amazing story but very graphic and "real" , could be a trigger for many as it involves discussion of abuse.). I think too often society tells us to be out for our own glory, and those that quietly serve the community get lost in the sidelines. Or do they? I think of them as the "ritual keepers" (I can’t remember her term, but that is how I thought of it) that Starhawk described in one of her books (It was either "Twelve Wild Swans" or "Spiral Dance"..I think the former) , which is when a Priest/ess, normally veiled, is asked to sit just outside the ritual and to hold the energy of the Circle and to ensure that things are flowing smoothly. Traditional Aboriginal practices have this, too, at a Pow-Wow, called an "arena director"..this used to be an elder , normally a grandmother, that would sit and watch everything, and make sure that the protocol was being followed. This was seen as being as the Eagle, sitting from a vantage point and watching. I’ve learned a great deal from starting to immerse myself more in my Native culture. Traditionally, Native people didn’t make idle conversation or feel a need to. They only spoke if they had something to say.
 A lesson that I need to learn dearly. 
Well, that is my "deep thought" for the day. I hope that your day goes well.
Namaste, Ekosi,Meegwetch!!

(originally written on Dec.1, 2008)

One of the things that disheartens me most about the Craft is the “Witch Wars” and nit-pickiness that seems to plague our numbers. I’m aware that this happens in every group, but I think that the Craft seems to, from my personal experience, have a special challenge in this regard.

Part of the reason is that we have no confirming, central hierarchy. For example, in Roman Catholicism (where there also is spirited debate), a well-versed RC can always check the official teachings of the Church, straight from the Pope, and while these can be debated, these are Catholic teachings according to dogma and tradition, so really these are the “final word” according to their faith. There is no “Wiccan Pope”, which I think is a good thing (can you imagine??), so therefore the teachings and traditions of Wicca, what makes a Wiccan Wiccan (can you say that ten times fast? ), are really and truly, open for discussion. The problem is that, some people cannot discuss this civilly, or get very hung up on the fact that their version of the Craft is the “right” version, and other people are deemed “fluffy bunnies” or just plain “wrong”. The conundrum is..in the Craft, unless someone is blatantly practicing against our rede and moral code and harming others or themselves, there really IS no “right version” by our very nature, that we are non-dogmatic. This leaves a lot of people scratching their heads and bickering, and admittedly, it puzzled me, too, on first entering the Craft. Especially as I came from a Roman Catholic environment, where it is clear what the teachings and beliefs of the Church are (although, individual mileage varies, as it does in any religion).

Generally, whether we are from a religious background or not, in mainstream North American society, our minds are trained to think in a somewhat linear, emperical fashion, no matter how liberal we may be in our thinking. We prove things through science. There is “hard evidence” for much of our reality. We have set societal norms and laws that are rooted in linear, patriarchal thought.

So, it is a big stretch for all of us (myself included) to wander out of that box and come to a way of thinking that is non-linear and encompassing that is the Craft. Trying to think of the Craft as another philosophy, in which there is a central confirming voice or example to compare everything by, is impossible, because it doesn’t work that way. It’s a practice and a religion that thinks differently. Islam, Christianity, and Judaism, while drastically different in teaching and practice from one another, have a common thread..they are rooted in the same tradition. Ours is not. We are shamanic, dynamic, non-dogmatic (I sound like I’m breaking into the chorus of “Greased Lightening!” , but I promise, I’m getting somewhere with this.), and non-linear. We don’t have holy writ, scripture, or an emperical type religion. Our true teachers are nature, the earth, the spirits. This type of “knowledge” cannot be tested with a yardstick or studied under a Bunson Burner. Yes, we do have traditions of Wicca, some more rigid than others, but none of these are deemed “better” or “more Wiccan” than others, although some might think them to be, by our very roots and nature..our true teacher is ourselves, and therefore, this makes our beliefs relative.

The reason I’m contemplating this, not for the first time, is my forays into open Wiccan online communities recently. I am remembering why I retreated. The rudeness, nastiness, back-stabbing and arrogance seems to be prominent. I’m trying not to sound judgemental here, but really..I am opinionated. I spoke up when I disagreed on the forum (Wiccans Together, I can’t provide the link at work. But so far, it’s striking me more as “Wiccans Bicker”;with a free-for-all death cage match for the masses to watch.), but I don’t think I was rude or lofty, I made an effort to be polite. But it seems that some Wiccans or Pagans seem to feel that our “Do what thou wilt” code and independent spirit (both GOOD things) give absolute license to be rude and nasty to all and sundry, to brag about one’s own achievements (one person went on about how they “personally know” someone that knew Gerald Gardner, and therefore incinuated that they have the “straight goods” on his life. . Gasp! Well, color me impressed..I guess that MUST make them right then. Whoops. Here biographers have been arguing about this for fifty years, but Joe Schmoe on a website has all the information! Start the presses!!! Not only is this information next to impossible to confirm, but that doesn’t make his information or stance any more “right”. Because there is no “one true and right way” in Wicca. Gardner himself admitted to forming his Tradition from a variety of sources that went before him; The OTO, Crowley, Estoric texts, etc etc. And Gardner was a human. So was Alex Sanders, and Aleister Crowley, and so is Starhawk. All may have wisdom, but they are not the “Grand Pooh-Bahs” of Wicca or Paganism. Gardner might be the “Grandfather” of the modern Craft movement, but this doesn’t mean that he didn’t mess up. It doesn’t mean that some of his teachings don’t need to be scrapped and restarted, or can’t be. We’ve come a long way, baby, since the 1950′s. That doesn’t mean we should chuck out the proverbial baby with the proverbial bathwater, but insisting that Craft is only Craft when it is “Gardner stamped” is ridiculous, in my mind. Then the innumerable Wiccans and Pagans across the world that practice differently must all be wrong, and this religion is far more dogmatic than I thought.

Using this person’s “logic”, then the only Crafters that are getting it right are Gardnerians. And even then, this is going back fifty years. I doubt things stayed stagnant and marched on in an unswerving line for those fifty years. In fact, I know they didn’t, and history backs my claim. (although I don’t “personally know” anyone that knows Gardner, so I could be wrong…sorry.). Maybe my bickering here comes across as hypocritical in light of how I feel that Crafters are just too nasty and back stabbing in many cases, but this is a vent. This is only a vent. Had it been a real post and repsonse on a forum, I would and have been much more polite. . I need to blow off steam, and realize the pure irony of this post.

Then, always comes the question, “Well, what makes Wicca, Wicca, then, if it is so loosey-goosey and “do your own thing”"? This question was posed to me by my mother after I first became interested in the Craft, over ten years ago. It left me tongue-tied because, at the time, I couldn’t really answer it. She said it sounded odd that someone could just call themselves “Wiccan”, technically, yet really have a hodge-podge of whatever beliefs they wanted, because no one would confirm or deny them.

There are commonalities. Such as the Rede, The Threefold law, the observance of Sabbats and Esbats, etc. But these milages also very. A prominent HPS and teacher, Phyllis Curott, for example, does not believe in the Threefold law. Some Wiccans do not observe all the sabbats.

I think until we have the Church and Pope of Wicca (in which case, run for the hills, Ma Barker, because I can just imagine what that would look like!) We can speak to what our commonalities are as Wiccans (in general) and what Wicca is to us, but there will always be someone that disagrees. And by our very nature, this has to be okay, otherwise we’re going against the very grain of our foundations, which are non-dogmatic. I think that is largely what defines the Craft. We have no dogma. We have beliefs, but these are up for debate and discussion.

Unfortunately, it seems that many people have not yet learned to put on thier “listening ears” and “polite voice” on online forums. Or in person. I stopped going to many local public events because they felt more like gossip fares or Witch n’Bitches and ceased to be about the Goddess and God for me. I would leave feeling disgruntled and disoriented. That said, I have Wiccan and Pagan friends in the city I dearly love (and yes, you are the ones on my LJ!!!), and yep, sometimes we disagree with eachother. But I deeply respect their viewpoints . I may not practice or agree with them, but I respect them, and I try to show that. I have, on occasion, inserted my foot firmly into my mouth and said something deemed insulting, as we all have, but I try not to make that a regular practice.

Another stitchy-bitch…The rampant hatred of Christians that seems to be plaguing many Pagan and Wiccan communities. I was a moderator of a very popular and large Wiccan website ( Celtic Connection) in the mid-nineties. I often chuckled at how people on there complained about being persecuted and misunderstood by our Christian friends, then would have the audacity to completely trash and belittle the Christian religion. Sometimes, this came out of hurt..for example, many had come to the Pagan/Wiccan religion from having really bad and even abusive encounters with the Christian church. I “get” that. But painting the whole religion with one brush and feeding the Christians to the lions (metaphorically, I hope), they were doing the exact same thing that they were accusing others of doing to them! Or, the insistance that Wicca was somehow “better” than the Christian religion and calling Christians fools or idiots or “sheep” for what they believe. NO, NO, NO. Sure, there are some blind followers in Christianity..but there are also many in Paganism or Wicca. Christianity is every bit as valid and every bit as beautiful as Wicca is. The paths are just not for everybody. If people stay in that little dark corner of the “We hate Christians” club, they don’t make peace with others, or themselves, and are just propagating the myth that Wiccans are bad, nasty people that hate Christians. I know when I first encountered Wiccans online and was still clinging to a lot of my vestal Christianity (or , more properly, seeking the path for me.), I was appalled at the sheer nastiness towards Christians and it made me wonder if maybe all of the “preacher characters” I’d heard WERE right, that this path was evil because they seemed to hate Christ and Christians so much. Thankfully, I met other Wiccans that were nothing like this and set me straight, but it was very interesting to get that perspective straight off. Also, the belief that we Wiccans are somehow more “Speshal” or “Smrt” than other religions bugs the heck out of me. Some of the most brilliant minds in the world are/were Christian..CS Lewis, GK Chesterton, JRR Tolkein, for example. Christians aren’t all money-grubbing evangelists driving around in cadillacs, or backwoods hillbillies that “don’t know better”. I was raised in a Jesuit Catholic Church by some of the most intellectual elites I’ve ever met to date. You could disagree with a Jesuit (if you wanted a spirited arguement!) but you couldn’t call them “Stupid” or “Hicks” by a long shot. The same way we are not all “Wanda the Wacky Witch” stereotypes, waltzing about town in walking Witchy stereotype, nor are Christians. To get respect, you have to dish it out, too. This doesn’t mean I respect everyone that is a Christian. Far from it. I have serious issues with the likes of Falwell, Buchanan, or Hinn. But so do many Christians. What I’m saying is a generalized respect has to be there if we are ever going to get anywhere. This is how wars start. Intolerance, Rumors,Prejudice…think of the Witch hunts. Not really much different, at the base level.

This all brings me to a positive note. I am amazed, given all of the nastiness that often floats on online forums (Wiccan and non-Wiccan, sectarian and otherwise. Put a computer in front of people and it seems they think that that gives them the license to be as rude as they please, in many cases). , that my coven and tradiiton, which is primarily online, is so overwhelmingly positive. I’m not saying it’s “better” than anyone else’s, so no ruffled feathers, please. I’m just amazed that our flare-ups and arguements have been kept to a bare minimum. I see that as through the sheer effort of our High Priestess and Student Council to try to make our environment as positive as possible. And they do! That’s the amazing thing. It IS possible to have a friendly environment and to have people that have differences of opinion. We are an eclectic tradition, so we have many people from many different backgrounds and beliefs. Our community is also an online College, so not everyone is part of the tradition but may be there for the learning opportunity. And seriously…it is one of the most positive environments I’ve ever experienced. I’ve seen this in real life with my dear Wiccan friends, too. We often disagree, but can be civil about it. I’m not saying we all need to be passive, smiling drones who agree with one another (creepy…shades of Stepford), but we can learn to debate and have differences of opinion in a civilized manner.

I think that if there was to be a downfall of the Craft (and there won’t be, or at least, it is highly unlikely), it would likely be caused by..ourselves. Our own bickering and in fighting and back stabbing. It needs to stop. Wiccans and Witches are progressive and dynamic and different, and there is room on the Goddess’s lap for all kinds of children.

It’s time to wake up and get that. and that’s Priestess Yemaya’s sermon for the day.

(((dusts self off, steps down from soapbox..))

Audrey Marie Santo: December 19, 1983-April 14, 2007

Audrey with the missionary image of Our Lady of Guadalupe

Today is the anniversary of Audrey Santo’s accident, August 9, 1987. She fell into the family pool when she was three years old…she was rushed to hospital and revived, but due to the drowning and an overdose of phenobarbitol given to her at the hospital(as the family claimed), Audrey was left in a state known as "akinetic mutism"; non-speaking, non-moving. She could communicate through squeezing your hand or her eyes, her breathing, etc. Her mother and caregivers said she was quite aware of her environment; she knew when those close to her were in the room and seemed happier when they were there, she cried at the proper times in movies, and would sometimes set off one of her medical alarms if she felt the nurse was taking too long in another room.

What made Audrey extremely special is that miracles were found to manifest around and through her. Her family, devout Roman Catholics, insisted she come home to be cared for, against medical advice that said she’d be "dead in two weeks" if her mother, Linda, took her home rather than placing her into an institution. They said even then, Audrey would likely die within three years.

Undaunted, Audrey ‘s mother said, when asked where she was placing Audrey (meaning an institution), "I’m placing her in my arms-she’s coming home with me". The family worked hard to provide Audrey with round-the-clock care (by themselves, mainly, at first) and to bring their house up to code and outfitted for Audrey’s medical needs. The community responded with overwhelming support and, as Linda said , "God seemed to want Audrey known from the very beginning"; her story was continuously in the papers, and so many people came to pray for  or visit Audrey when she was in hospital that they had to secure a private room for her.

Audrey came home in November 1987,and a year later, on the anniversary of her accident, her mom took her to Medjugorje, Yugoslavia, where the Virgin Mary was reportedly appearing to young visionaries and miracles were happening. Linda packed Audrey’s sandals for the trip, convinced she would be able to run down the apparition hill site after being cured.

Amazingly, despite the throngs of people there, Linda was able to get entry into the room where the Virgin Mary appeared in the local church of St. James. The night before, she heard people outdoors excitedly saying, "American baby’s face in the moon!" . Linda looked outside and to her astonishment, there was Audrey’s face on the moon. Linda prayed for the Virgin Mary to "heal her or take her".

In the apparition room, where Ivan, the young visionary was experiencing a vision of the Virgin Mary, surreal things occured. There was no air in the stifiling loft and everyone was perspiring; except Audrey, and Linda knew that Audrey could perspire normally. Audrey’s hair was also blowing like a breeze was in the room, but there was no breeze.

Audrey reportedly moved her hands and head as if saying "Yes" and Ivan knelt down and spoke to her in Croatian. Linda said she never asked what he said, as it was between Mary and Audrey, and if she was meant to know, she would.

That night, Linda and the RN who had come with her were excited to see that Audrey was suddenly very animated. Her pupils seemed to equalize and she was tracking her nurse’s movements. She was moving her head and hands and everyone was rejoicing, saying she was going to wake up.

Then something awful happened…Audrey coded. Despite overwhelming odds,as they were in a very limited area of Yugoslavia with primitve medical care, Audrey survived a few cardiac arrests and they obtained a med vac flight back to the States.

It seemed like a failure and a miracle in itself that Audrey made it home still intact and in the same condition as when she left. Some people thought Linda had been irresponsible.

But more was coming.

The religious articles in Linda’s home started weeping copious amounts of oil and blood. There was no known cause proven as to why this was happening when investigated. Four hosts consecrated in the family home wept blood and the blood was found to be human. One host bled during a mass as it was consecrated, with no possibility of fraud.

Then came the people. People began flocking to the Santo home after hearing of the miracles. Miracle cures happened, such as the time Audrey was visited by a cancer patient, and later, Audrey developed a vivid crimson rash on her legs of unknown origin. When tested by a dermatologist, he said that the only causation of such a rash was a certain kind of chemotherapy. Audrey had never had chemo, and the woman was healed of cancer. People smelled roses around Audrey when none were physically there. Several nurses converted to Catholicism, or returned to their faith, through Audrey and her mother’s example. Audrey was immaculately cared for, and despite all predictions, was relatively doing quite well; she had no bedsores despite several years being bedridden. She grew and entered puberty totally normally. Her blood and urine samples were normal, and the very fact that she was kept in such a healthy condition was a miracle in itself. Audrey appeared so peaceful and beautiful, with her long flowing chestnut hair, clear skin, and blue-green eyes. Her caregivers kept her in beautiful clothing and styled her hair. It was and is obvious that her family went above and beyond to care for her.That’s also evidence of however one sees God, if there ever was one and as the investigators had stated.

So, we get to why this matters to me. I was once a Catholic and am now Wiccan. What could Audrey mean to me?

I don’t know, but for some reason, I feel a great connection to her. I’ve dreamed of her and have had situations/issues healed by her a few times. The night before she died, I had a vivid dream of her and was shocked to read that she had died when I checked the internet the next day.I’ve written to the family. I recieved oil from the family, on an ordinary cotton ball, and it stayed wet for over a year, despite being in a normal ziplock bag.

Audrey is very special to me. I questioned and debated her story, like anyone else, but something deep in my soul and gut told me that the story was absolutely true. I believe it wholeheartedly and am very glad Audrey has blessed me. Maybe I will never know why. All I know is that people in Audrey’s situation, many of which I worked with at my former employer (and Audrey had something to do with me being hired there, I’m convinced of it, but that’s another story), seem to be dialed in to a higher plane.

I wondered how I could reconcile this with my Wiccan beliefs. An Aboriginal Elder gave me the answer..she was speaking at our pow wow last year and said that people who are profoundly disabled are "in the spirit world" most of the time and that they are "earth angels", to use Christian terms. Aboriginal culture believes those who are in a state such as Audrey’s are blessings and are a mediary between our world and the spirit plane. I believe that, after working with those in this state, particularily children. They have a special aura about them. It’s hard to explain until it’s experienced. The Elder said that people choose to live this way, to minister to others and to be spirit people.

I had wondered that…who would choose such a life? But I don’t think that’s up to us to answer.

All I know is Audrey has blessed my life, and many others. The Church began a rigorous investigation into the claims and said that they could not prove or disprove the miracles officially, but they said there was no evidence of chicanery, which is an amazing verdict by the Church as their investigations are very intense.

Audrey’s mother was contacted after Audrey’s death of cardio-respiratory failure on April 14, 2007, at age twenty-three by the Vatican. Right now, they are beginning the process to make Audrey a saint. I sent the family an email with my information in the hopes that it may help.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreampt of in our philosophy"..as Shakespere said. Who’s to say we have to stay within our own strict religious boundary? Healing, miracles, and truth occur within all of them, and sometimes, blessings come from where we least expect them to…and we should remain open to them. As William Blake said:, "cherish pity, lest you drive an angel from your door".

I sent the family a bouquet of white roses for Audrey’s memorial, and a card. I didn’t feel wierd about it, even though I’d never met them. It seemed like the right thing to do.

If you want to learn more about Audrey, I provided a link to her official website, in the blue-colored header at the beginning of my post.

Thank you, dear Audrey. Rest well and may you continue to inspire others.

Audrey Marie Santo, rest in peace.

Astro Data:
Waxing, Gibbous Moon, 9 3/4 days
Ascending Node: 29 Degrees Capricorn
Moon in the 12th Degree Sagitarius, 5th Degree of Constellation Ophiuchus, the Serpant Holder
Sun in the 7th degree of Leo, 10th Degree of Crabba, the Crab
Current Planetary Hour: Venus

Weather: 16 Degrees C, with rain showers.

Personal: Red Tent, Day 3 (heavy), feeling well

I’m finally trying to put into practice something I started/wanted to do for a while: line up my journal with current weather/moon phase, health/changes of note (such as “Red Tent” or Moontime), etc. I think it will be interesting to see if there is a pattern that emerges, or what my moods are like on a certain day.

Interesting that right now, the moon is waxing and we are a day or two away from the Harvest Festival of Lughnassadh, something that is bitter sweet; all that we have planted is beginning to emerge, and the light, brightest at Litha, is starting to dim. Interesting to me as I’ve had a couple things come to fruition: I received the financial help I needed(and on my birthday, nonetheless!), I stopped taking a medication that didn’t agree with me, and my moontime finally came back after missing two months. Returning, and growing, and change are the orders of now.

Spiritually, quite honestly I’m experiencing polarized feelings: The “high” of getting in to Third Degree has mellowed now, although I’m still proud and honored and excited to do this work, just not as giddy as with that first email that said I made it. I’m feeling a bit..stuck. A mini-fog if you will. I’m not sure what “the next adventure” will be and feel a bit like I’m in a holding pattern, the Hanged Man, suspended. I think that ths is an important thing for me to learn. I tend to want everything to happen NOW. Today isn’t soon enough. I want everything to happen yesterday. I’m extremely impatient. That is another of my shadows I need to work on.

Hearing “we’ll do it later” or “next time” seem to be triggers for me. Again, issues from childhood that I need to “unpack” and put away for good. I spoke on here about that before, lack of trust leading to impatience and other issues. I need to learn how to just….BE. I went to see a therapist once who challenged me to sit still for five minutes and look outside, and to do nothing else. This was incredibly hard. I couldn’t fidget or do anything. That was really hard for me to do.

It’s hard for me to just “be” in the moment. A friend told me that she helped her son with having panic attacks by saying he should think in the now.. Not tomorrow, yesterday, or the next five minutes. now. It’s incredibly hard to do, but if we’re able to, REALLY liberating, REALLY living..we have to be in the moment.

Being someone that also suffers from panic attacks, I’m trying to take that advice. I always want to jump to the harvest, or long for the summer growth. I don’t just “stay”.

I think that’s what the Goddess wants me to do right now, at the beginning of my 3rd Degree Journey. Just BE. Breathe. This IS the journey, and that IS the message.

I’m writing this as I hear the strong pelting of rain on the roof and against the windows, the sheeted rain sleeting through the big green trees.

I wish you well, and to remember the “now”.

Namaste, friends.

The city I live in is not known for its great weather…well, unless you find freezing cold weather “great” (and trust me, I mean FREEZING). So, when summer comes, it always makes me think of those old Biblical movies where the people would take to the streets, shaking tambourines and dancing joyfully. Suddenly, people are out everywhere and seem happier…well, in general. Crime also goes up. But,the general public seems happier.

It’s truly beautiful where we live right now. Everything is green; the grass, the trees, the stems of the flowers that are blooming on shrubs and trees everywhere: lilacs, blossoms, tulips. All of nature in its’ finery. This is where I feel closest to my Goddess; sitting outside, breathing the sweet air, looking up at the green trees and the blue sky, hearing that delicious rustling noise that the wind makes when it goes through the trees, often eerily just as I am meditating, as I think the wind can be the Goddess speaking Herself. All of nature contains messages, lessons, from the Gods; we just need to stop and listen to it. I’ll admit it, I’m a city girl: I grew up a “Concrete Native” (I’m Metis, born and raised in a city, though.) and about as far from a traditional Aboriginal way of life as I could get, but the ways of my ancestors always called to me. A man that was at a sweat lodge I was at once spoke about the “blood memory people”; the Old Ones will try to call their people back to them for seven generations, and only after the seventh has passed without hearing will they be silenced.  I am a proud Metis woman, but it’s been a long climb to get here.

I find that my Aboriginal roots greatly assist me in my path of honoring the Lord and Lady; our traditional ways are similar in many respects; honoring nature, seeing Creator in all things, living in harmony with the Earth and taking our ques from Nature as to how to live the right way. I have a lot to learn about the traditional ways and how to live as a Metis; between the white world and the indian world. I’m very lucky to be married to an amazing man who also is of Ojibwe/Lakota ancestory and lives the traditional Ojibwe way. He’s taught me much. We already know that when we have kids we want them to be exposed to the Traditonal Way and the Wiccan, and when they are old enough, they can choose what path is right for them, whether it be Paganism, Traditional, Christianity, or something else entirely.

Lord and Lady have certainly blessed me in this lifetime. I realize that sometimes I get so caught up in what I don’t have, I don’t see what I do. I realized some of these simple blessings when I was sitting on the front step enjoying the weather today; God and Goddess can and will provide, and worry and pessimism don’t help. My good Priestess friend Isobeail told me once how we should remain solely in the moment: not tomorrow or yesterday…now. That is going to take a long time to master, if I ever do, but it is a good goal to strive for.

As I mentioned here earlier, I’m positively ecstatic to be a part of the Third Degree. I know that many life lessons are to come, but I honestly feel that this is my life’s calling.  I’ve started on some work for my course and are very much looking forward to more. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive, loving commnity as I do in the Sacred Mists; and such a mentor and High Priestess that Lady Raven Moonshadow is. She really is amazing. I sometimes say “I want to be like Lady Raven when I grow up!” ; meaning that I want to become an Arch High Priestess one day like she is, but also to develop my own style of High Priestessing. I’ve always felt more comforatable with being a leader than a follower, and leadership positions just seem to be given to me to do. In a group, people tend to look to me to be a leader. Maybe  it’s my personality, maybe it’s my astro sign (Leo), a bit of everything, I just know that’s how I’ve always been and I hope to develop into a stronger Priestess and Mentor for others.

Blessed Be to all of you!

I was out with my in-laws and husband tonight when something kept telling me to check my email on my BlackBerry. The Hotmail account had nothing new, and I checked the Gmail one that I hardly use (I use it for storing or sending large files, as Hotmail has more restrictions on size.), and there was an email from the Arch High Priestess of Sacred Mists, Lady Raven Moonshadow, telling me that I have been ACCEPTED INTO THE THIRD DEGREE TRAINING  PROGRAM AT THE SACRED MISTS!!

I’m over the moon with joy. This has been my dream since beginning this path a shade over a decade ago; to train to be a 3rd Degree High Priestess. I’m very proud of myself, as the 3rd Degree program is exclusive and not everyone is accepted into it, and the application process is demanding and challenging. I learned a lot about myself from the process, and know that more life-learning is to come.

I honestly feel that my whole life has been preparing me to be a High Priestess. Everything I’ve gone through, all my trials , lessons, joys have been to prepare me as a Priestess of the Goddess.


“How do you write of the making of a priestess? What is not obvious is secret. Those who have walked that road will know, and those who have not will never know though I should write down all the forbidden things.”
-The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley

I am to buzzy right now to write a proper entry. I’m so pleased and excited.

For some reason, I keep thinking of the song “Faith of the Heart” by Rod Stewart. I don’t like Rod Stewart, at all, but the lyrics to this song are beautiful and perfect for my situation right now.

Blessings, and thanks to you all who have given kind comments and energy to me; they have been truly cherished.

Namaste!!!

It’s been a long road
Getting from there to here
It’s been a long time
But my time is finally near

And I can feel the change in the winds right now
Nothing’s in my way
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna hold me down

Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
I’ve got faith
Faith of the heart

It’s been a long night
Trying to find my way
Been through the darkness
Now I finally have my day
And I will see my dreams come alive at last
I will touch the sky
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more
No there not gonna change my mind

Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
Faith of the heart

I’ve known a wind so cold and seen the darkest days
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change
I’ve been through the fire and I’ve been through the rain
But I’ll be fine

Cause I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
I can do anything
I’ve got strength of the soul
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith

I’ve got faith of the heart
I’m going where my heart will take me
I’ve got faith to believe
And no one’s gonna bend or break me
I can reach any star
I’ve got faith
I’ve got faith
Faith of the heart

It’s been a long road

Oh, it’s been long road

-”Faith of the Heart”, Rod Stewart

Spring is finally starting to ripen into full bloom where I live. Here on the Canadian prairies, we get long winters, and all-too-short (for me, anyhow) summers.

Now that I am beginning to stabilize after a long and drawn out healing process (I won’t get into it), I find that my spiritual self within is much like the land around me;starting to wake up, rub its’ eyes, and stumble into the beauty that is surrounding us. I very acuetly “feel” the seasons and find that they greatly affect my mood. Many Witches are that way, perhaps all of us, and people from other paths as well. I began to “feel the sabbats in my bones” after a few years of being a Witch. I no longer was checking the calendar for the exact day and time that it would be Litha..I would feel Litha coming before it got there.

And that leads me to a further point.

My own practice of Wicca tends to be quite eclectic. I like a happy medium between very structured and loosey-goosey. It took me a while to find that balance, and I’ve honestly found it in the Sacred Mists. There, there is structure and a baseline, but a great deal of personal latitude and freedom is allowed within our walls.

Its my opinion that rituals are more for the person than for the Gods. I’m not downplaying ritual, but rather suggesting that we need to remember that the Witch is the magick; the rest is all just bells and whistles. I was thinking about this today as I sat on our front step, having a cigarette (no lectures, please. I KNOW they are bad for me, all right?) and enjoying the scene around me. We live in a mid-sized city, but at the moment are in an area that has lots of green trees around and is close to the river(a disgusting-smelling, polluted river, but a river nonetheless.) I was listening to the wind rustling in the trees (one of my favorite sounds) and watching tiny bugs hovering above the grass, the green leaves and clover around me, smelling the scent of summer on its way.

I closed my eyes and simply talked to the Goddess (in my mind, as like I said, we’re in an urban area, and talking to one’s self generally isn’t socially acceptable). Simply asked Her for the blessings I needed, thanked Her for others. I felt a connection with Her that could not be denied, and when I opened my eyes, I was thinking; the trees are Goddess. The grass is Goddess. The wind itself is Goddess. I didn’t need to be wearing a fancy robe, waving an expensive wand, and worrying that my wording is exactly timed. The Goddess seemed to laugh in my mind, saying that that is not needed. It’s nice, but not needed. To connect with Goddess, just look around you. Look within you. That’s where She is, even when you feel that She isn’t. She is there in that Void, the “isn’t”, the doubt and depression, just as much as in the light. and good and joyful.

To me, insisting that there is only one “proper” way to practice Wicca is going back to a system that many of us who came to Wicca are trying to escape from; Fundamentalism and Convention, those age-old wet blankets that ruin the party.  I’m all for having structured training, but a Witch also has to be flexible, to be imaginative, to know that yes, you can cast a circle without fancy words, and in your mind. The “power” isn’t in a beautiful altar or ritual: those  are “Things”, meant to awaken the spiritual within. They are only as useful as you find them.

Much of my spiritual youth, before coming to Wicca in aproximately 1997, was spent as a Roman Catholic. (We started attending church when I was around twelve. Long story.). I was a fiercely devout Catholic, Mass every Sunday, Rosary during the week in May, prayers every night. I had a special devotion to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I would “talk ” and pray to Her.  I did, and still do, love the ritual and rhythm of the Mass,the continuity, knowing that Mass will be more-or-less the same every where in the world. I went to a couple of Protestant services and felt that they were lacking to my liking; there was not the same rituals, it seemed much looser and flexible than I was used to.

Oddly, the switch from Roman Catholicism was not at all difficult, well, in theory.  The guilt and such bothered me, and I even went back to the Church a couple of times before truly figuring out where my path lay. RC kept a lot of the rituals and outward trappings  from Pagan days, to secure converts and such. May crowns for Mary, candles in front of saints, devotions to saints to gain favours, 9-day-novenas, they were all faintly Pagan.

I always thought, why do we need a saint to “intercede” for us? Doesn’t God answer prayers directly? What if we miss a day in the 9 day novena? Will God throw our request out because we didn’t do it properly? What about people that have no one to pray for them; does God really show favors to those that do?

That didn’t seem fair. I figured if God really was perfect, than surely “He” could be more understanding than humans are! Why were we limiting God to how we saw He or She?

That, combined with my emerging feminist consciousness, and other reasons too long to get into for this post,led me to look for other paths. I never “left” the Church, really, as I don’t have any animostity towards it. I just see that I expanded upon the teachings there, went back to the Old Ways, and discovered that there was more to learn. Nor do I consider myself a Christo-Pagan. I personally think that Jesus was one more facet of the God; the same as Buddha, Pan, Krishna, and Dionysus are. I think it was more that we created God in our own image, than the other way around. Each religion has a story to tell and is “Holy” in its’ own right : there is not one religion that has the monopoly on God, and I think to believe that is the highest of human arrogance. If God is truly beyond our understanding, than wouldn’t it be more likely that every religion would be a facet of a large jewel, each one being “right” and merging together to make a lovely whole? That seems the most reasonable outcome to me.

As someone once said on a Beliefnet forum: “The Catholic Church is like the Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you will never leave” How true that is. Being Catholic is cultural as well as religious, and when you do stop attending Church, you’re seen as “lapsed” , not as finding a new religion. I have other thoughts on that I will expand upon in a later entry. I kept my devotion to the Virgin Mary, and other things. I just simply discovered there was more out there, and that Catholicism was not the be all and end all when it came to knowing Divinity.

Anyhow, I think that the whole worrying about if 9 days or 12 days or 90 days prayers are more acceptable to Deity or “right” applies to Pagans, too.  Those aren’t Goddess or Deity made standards. Those are ours. By all means, if you feel doing a specific spell or ritual will bring you into harmony with Goddess.. DO it. I know I do. But know also that Goddess surpasses our understanding. She is not a mystical Fairy Godmother, that if you learn the right passwords, she will grant you amazing wishes.  She is not the Feminist counterpart to the “old man with a beard” vision of God from the Old Testament, i.e. a Giant Lady in the sky. No.

If you want to experience Goddess, here is something you can do anytime, anywhere. City, Country, or otherwise.

Step outside. Feel and hear the wind. Look at the scenery around you, at the season that is currently evolving around you. Listen to everything; the car horns, mixed with the rain or the snow falling, perhaps. Feel the sun on your face. Close your eyes, and simply reach out.

There She is. And She  always was, and always will be.

Namaste.

Ever since I was a small child, I’ve been enchanted by anything and everything to do with New York City; specifically, Ellis and Liberty Island. In this life, I was born in Central Canada. Besides the seemingly-obligatory-for-my-city (because everyone does it) car trips two hours south to North Dakota, I didn’t go farther south until I was an adult, and then, it was to California (a whole other magickal tale, which I will tell in a later entry.). We have no ties to New York that I am aware of..at least, not this trip round’the sun that I’m taking.

My favorite show as a kid was Reading Rainbow. I used to have to race to get home to see it (this pre-dated VCR’s, or at least,we didn’t get one until I was seven.). My very favorite episode was the one about Ellis Island. I loved the book Watch the Stars Come Out , by Riki Levenson, which was featured on the show. I was spellbound by the Statue of Liberty and dreamed of moving to America when I was an adult.It was always either New York or California. My mom’s aunt and uncle lived in California, and I saw it as an amazing place where it never snowed, oranges grew on trees, and I could go to see the ocean every day..not to mention, Disneyland. I remember my uncle had a word processor or a computer, and this was an unusual thing in the 80′s. He suggested I start to write a story on it, and I automatically said I wanted it to be about a girl that lived in California.

In Grade 2 or so, I went as the Statue of Liberty for Halloween (Amazing costume, hand-made by my Mom, who’s an excellent seamstress).  However, I would not actually get to visit NYC until much later, when I was twenty-four.

When I did, they practically had to use the Jaws of Life to pry me off of the streets. I loved NYC. I felt like I belonged there, felt like I knew every nook and cranny. For someone with a terrible sense of direction, in a city of millions, this was huge. I could feel the life pulsing in this city and felt that I was a part of it.

Going to Liberty and Ellis Island were even more eerie. I felt as if I was between two times; the past, a long ago life, and today’s life. It was like looking at the modern world through a transperancy of the past surrimposed on it. I had a past-life regression done once, by a hypnotherapist, and according to that, I had lived in NYC at the turn of the century and had come over from Ireland (Another culture and place I have a strong pull towards) .  I’m an interested skeptic when it comes to regressions (I think that they are awfully subject to the power of suggestion, and test the ethics of the counselor,such as the whole “false memory” syndrome that skyrocketed in the 80′s), but who knows, it kind of fits.

On more than one occasion, I’ve found myself at Ellis Island/Liberty Island, or simply overlooking the harbour, during astral travel/meditation/dreams.  Hart Island, a tiny, windswept island in New York Harbour, where Potter’s Field (large, mass graveyard, mainly for the unnamed and unclaimed dead.), also calls to me in a strange and eerie way. I first saw it in the movie Don’t Say a Word, and again, got that creepy but comforting vibe that I knew the place.

Today, as I was trying to lasso my wild mind into meditation , I found myself staring at grey, choppy waves of the Atlantic, hearing  a foghorn and a strange “ping-ping” sound which sounded like a bell. I could see lights shining from the Statue of Liberty as I sat looking at the waves on the front edge of Liberty Island. I could feel the mists of the sea gently striking my face, in a comforting way. The island was shadowy and peaceful, no one else around. I felt like I belonged there, like I was part of the land, and it was a part of me. In the meditation, I was sitting right at the edge, at the shore, seeing the water inches from me, not elevated from it as the island is today.

I’m not sure why New York consistently comes into my meditations, but I am glad that it does. Maybe one day I will get to visit again, or who knows, even live there….The truth is, as much as I know I’m lucky to live in Canada, I have no attachment to this land, although I have seen beautiful things here. I would have no problem becoming an American citizen. Something about it there calls to me; echoes of a past life? ‘greener pastures’ in this life..who knows?

All I know is, it’s strange how we can be homesick for a land we never knew in this life.

“This is the strangest life I’ve ever known..”

-Jim Morrison

Ahhh..a fresh new page on a brand new blog.  I feel like how I did before I started a new school year, and had brand new pencils, crayons, and looseleaf all bundled in untouched wrapping, and squeaky new shoes and clothes that hadn’t been worn yet. Every year I would vow to “keep things nice” as they had started out. It never worked, by the end of the year I’d have chewed up pens, broken crayons,grubby erasers and ripped pencil cases. I was not the type of child that could keep things neat and tidy, and I envied those who did.

Where am I going with this?  This Blog likely also will not stay “neat and tidy”. It is documenting my journey as a Priestess, as I walk the path of a modern woman honouring the Old Ones, the Lord and Lady that were worshipped long before Judeo-Christian religions even existed,the Lady that lives in the cool light of the glowing moon and speaks through the twinkling of the stars, the Lord that dances through the ripening grain and the blistering heat of the sun.  I’ve walked this path for about eleven years now, and by no means consider myself an “expert”. Maybe it’s the social worker in me talking (I’m a registered social worker by education,training, and profession.), but I don’t believe we can ever become an “expert” at spirituality and at life in general. We can grow in wisdom, we can learn, re-mold, shape, burn down and re plant, but we cannot ever arrive at a place where there is nothing left to learn. Even when we die, Witches think that there is more left to learn; we reincarnate as the land does in the cycle of the seasons, ever turning,shifting, and re-creating.

So, this Blog is a place where I will speak of my stops on this Journey, my thoughts, feelings, observances, ritual experiences, etc as I move forwards and backwards,tracing and re-tracing steps in the journey to wholeness.

Who is this person, you may be thinking.I have some detailed information in my biography section, and as you have probably guessed by now, I am not a woman of little words , so it gives a decent picture of some of the things that make up who I am. Just some of them. To elaborate even still..

My magickal name is Yemaya Olokun. This name comes from the African/Yoruban/Santeria Goddess and ‘Orisha’ (Ancestors) Yemaya, She that Is the Living Ocean, the Mother to all the Orishas, the Lady of the Seas and the Mama that rules conception, birth, and re-birth. Olokun, in some traditions, is one Aspect of this Great Goddess. This Aspect is said to be of the deepest, darkest, coldest recesses of the Ocean, the place of riches, the place and personna that can only be seen in dreams. Yemaya has called to me ever since I was with my first formal tradition, Circle of the Goddess (COTG, now disbanded, as far as I am aware.), and our High Priestess had studied with Luisah Teish, a well-known Priestess of Oshuyn. I loved Yemaya and would dream of Her, but did not feel ready to take Her name. I also wondered if taking on a Name and a Practice from the African culture was disrespectful, as I am not of this ancestry. Yemaya is a strong and powerful force,and loves Her children dearly. She called me to take her name last year, when I was in the throes of the ‘fallout’ directly following my Saturn Return, and reassured me that this was not disrespectful as She wished me to. I had read somewhere that African Deities choose you, not the other way ’round, so I felt it would be more disrespectful not to take this Name.

I am a Priestess in the Sacred Mists Tradition,and this place is truly my spiritual home and family. I will provide a more detailed post about the Mists in a forthcoming entry. I completed my Second Degree in this Tradition in November 2008, and plan to be Initiated to Second Degree as soon as this is made availiable. I also have just been accepted into the Third Degree training program, which I am excited about, and will ultimately lead to ordination as a High Priestess.

In addition, I am also a Sister in the Sisterhood of Avalon, which is a Celtic women’s mystery tradition steeped in honoring the Welsh Goddesses and Lunar cycle of the seasons. I find that the Avalonian teachings and traditions greatly assist me in my work and spiritual development through Sacred Mists. Avalon has called me since I was a small child, and when I read Marion Zimmer Bradley’s famous Mists of Avalon, I felt a homesick longing for the place described.  Coming to the Shores of Avalon and sharing with other women in this group has been invaluable.

At the moment, I am currently on medical hiatus from being a professional registered social worker, and am using this time to introspect and to intensify my spiritual training and work.

I hope that you enjoy this blog, and I look forward to getting to know some of you.

Namaste,

Priestess Yemaya Olokun