Just call me a Mellon-Collie…or don’t ;)
September 20th, 2009The fall often does this to me. My mom explained it the best when she said that in the fall, it’s as if transperancies (as in, on the old-style overhead projectors) are placed upon our time and world now; transperancies of the past, far-reaching, and sometimes even of the future.
I can feel the veil thinning acutely. My dreams have been vivid, many of them “travelling” (astral) in which I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept at all. Shielding is an absolute must (I “invented” two new visualizations that came to me suddenly when sheilding: one, being in a transluscent, lusterous white oblong pearl that is hard to negativity and permeable to positivity, when I wish it, as even that can send me into sensory overload. The other one is being within a seed, a grain seed, that only splits when I wish it to.), and sometimes, I find myself feeling so incredibly sad it’s like my heart is literally breaking within me. Why? It’s not depression, or specific “sad things” happening. It’s hard to explain. It’s the time. I feel both joyful and excited, like a kid preparing for a Halloween party, and sedate and mournful, like a Priestess prepearing for a funeral rite. I suppose I really am both.
The past has been coming back to me in a real and sharp way. A picture, notes of a song, etc instantly plunge me into a memory. I heard “Ave Maria” today, and while it always is so beautiful it is mournful to me, it reminded me of a past lost, opportunity missed, and I felt my heart twist and my very soul cry.
Welcome to the world of an empath. I know that the pain of feeling etc is the counter-balance to being able to see and sense things others cannot, or rather, choose not to. It’s been like this since I was small, and has grown more and more the more I learn on my spiritual path. I learn both the tools of protecting myself and the real pain of “knowing”. That is partly why at Initiation, it is often said that it is “better to parish on the blade then to enter the circle unprepared”…if you are unprepared or flippiant about your path, the shadows could well eat you alive. It doesn’t mean “unprepared” in the sense that you have to know everything and understand all; quite the opposite. It means be prepared to step into the abyss and accept all that is there. You will have beauty and purpose beyond measure, but the balance of this is shadow and pain, as that is the essence of life and nature itself.
Some think the pain and shadow are “prices” to pay for having the good things. I used to think that way. I don’t anymore. I see them as simply a balance. In nature, we enjoy the beauty of the turning leaves, but they turn the tree barren and lifeless-looking and hearald the end of summer and the beginning of the autumn. The young laughing God has to grow old and wane in power, and finally die. But He has to do that to be reborn. So do all of us. There’s no “evil”, “karma”, or “price” in any of it..it simply Is. Light and Shadow, Pain and Laughter, Old and Young. None “better than the other”. Just..Is.
I wouldn’t trade being a Priestess for the world. I know that this is what I was born to, what I was meant to do. By being a Priestess, I choose to accept the pain and the light of living, and by sheer understanding, in moments of clarity, it makes both equally beautiful.
Tags: mabon
April 17th, 2010 at 3:49 am
insightful post
May 7th, 2010 at 10:51 pm
Catching is before hanging.
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