As those wise bards said, and as another wise one said, the great JRR Tolkein, “Not all who wander are lost”…I’m here! I haven’t wandered far, but I’ve felt like I’ve been “there and back again”, to continue on the whole hobbit theme.

It’s been an interesting winter for me to say the least. And, as always, on this amazing spiritual journey, everything has perfectly reflected in an “as above, so below” fashion. Even when things are going badly, and I’m tearing my hair out and running in circles like the proverbial chicken without their proverbial head, I can’t help but stop and smile when I see just how perfectly everything on our journey reflects. What we do here, is truly reflected in the spirit realm. Medical practitioners, those of the “hard sciences”, are just discovering today what our ancestors knew hundreds, even thousands of years ago- that our mind, body, and spirit are all interconnected; what happens on one plane, happens on another.

Yesterday, over a cold drink at our favorite googleplex coffee place that shall remain nameless, my best friend and I were discussing the same thing. How we can’t compartmentalize issues. We can’t just look at how and why our home life, for example, is going to hell in a handcart without examining our work, health, and relationships. If a patient presents with certain symptoms at the ER, those are treated first, but next, the doctor should look at WHY these are presenting; what’s happening in their lives? It goes beyond the chemical reasons and those that show up on the lab tests. Of course these need to be treated; but why are they showing up on the lab tests?

As well as being trained as a Priestess, I’ve been trained as a clinical social worker. More of the “As above, So Below” evidence is there: my Priestess training occured very much in tandem with my social work training. I received my First Degree from my first coven in 2002, right after I started my social work academic training. I started with the Sacred Mists in 2005, after I went into the “real world” of child welfare after graduating from the “ivory tower” of academia and the relative comfort of practicum training. I rolled with the punches (sometimes, almost literally..) of being a new social worker in a broken and very real and stressful system as I also learned to be a Priestess in a real world. And they both helped me tremendously. And the training and the lessons? As above, so below.

Second Degree. My very first HPS warned me that Second Degree meant facing your “very worst shadows right in front of you.” I nodded and claimed back then I was ready. I entered social work, and Wiccan training, a lot like Maverick on one of my favorite movies, “Top Gun”. Oh, I was respectful. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the Goddess and God, and my coven. Sacred Mists was the first place I felt truly at home, and I respect and respected Lady Raven and the Council like none other. But I was also confident. “Larger than life” like Maverick. I had had a decade of being a Witch. I had not exactly lived a cushy life. I’d been through hell and lived to tell the tale. I was independent. I was strong. I could make it. Worst shadows? Ha. I was ready! I wanted to be a High Priestess! I’d taught students! I’d been good at it! I’d had my own circle. I could do it.I just knew it. I was going “mach 3 with the wind in my hair”, just like Maverick.

And just like the young pilot, the Goddess had to put a stopper in my jet engine, and let me come down to earth. And I crashed. And it was a “hell of a spin”, just like Maverick. I went back to ground zero, like I had done a few times before, but clearly needed to again. My relationship at the time, which was really a big sham, got exposed for what it was and I packed up and left. But, I did get reunited with a wonderful man and we got handfasted that Lammas..and we are still together today. I ended up having to declare bankruptcy, as during my “larger than life” period I also seemed to think I had endless funds. I ended up getting sick-very sick- and being off work. And living in poverty. A poverty I’d never experienced before. We’d never had much growing up, but we always had food. and clothes. Now, we were worried about our next meal, and how medicine would be covered. Stuff I never thought about before. My car got repo’d. My so-called friends suddenly vanished. A job that I thought I loved and that the people were like family? Well, suddenly it was as if they were all wearing masks, and the masks dropped when my chips were down…and it revealed their true selves. Selves that suddenly weren’t interested in me any more now that I was “broken”

Then something else happened. I learned that a big part of the Maverick persona for me, the girl that could do anything, was really part of my being sick. I had bipolar disorder. A long odyssey was to follow-and is really still going on. I finally found a good specialist and the right meds that slowly are unlocking the combo to my brain. There are good days, and bad days.And tired days.And side effect days. But I’m getting there.

Towards the close of the Second Degree, I had to smile.I had felt so scared when I saw the cocky young personna slipping away. Was my confidence going? I saw that for a bit I became more timid. I was questioning myself. Could I lead that rite? Could I write that meditation? Oh geez, did I do okay in that study hall? Then, slowly, and still, it’s becoming a balance. I remember at the end of “Top Gun”, after Goose dies (which still makes me cry) when Maverick approaches his teacher about graduation. He then shows up for convocation and learns to fly again, and becomes an instructor. He’s still got the old fire, but he’s not quite the cocky, full-of-crap pilot he used to be. He’s matured.

That’s becoming me. Now that I’m into the Third Degree…I’m turning outward. I’m rubbing my eyes and finally coming out of my shadows. I’m seeing what needs to be “cleaned up”..in my house, in my life, in my relationships, in the world. I’m learning balance. I realize that I should be questioning how I’m doing, if I’m doing ok, am I doing my mentees justice, etc. It’s not about me, it’s about them, it’s about balance. Maverick learned that it wasn’t just him ripping through the skies doing mach 3; it was about teamwork and fairness, and friendship. I always knew that, don’t get me wrong.My problem was I was either selfish or selfless: doing too much for self or not enough for self. I’m finding my footing.

Third Degree, so far, to me is finding new glasses. At first, it was like putting on 3 D specs and seeing the world as it should be for the first time and being amazed. Second, was taking off the glasses, and having to turn in and do the “nitty gritty” and clean the interior windows. At Third, I get a new pair of glasses: I can see in and out at the same time, and have to learn to balance the two.

I may not be there yet, but with the help of my wonderful HPS Lady Raven and my brothers and sisters in the Mists, I’m well on my way.