Ramble Ramble

As I approach my upcoming 40th birthday, I keep telling myself that “it is just a number, you are only as old as you feel, no one ever believes your age”-you know all those things people say to themselves as they reach that “dreaded” age where you become, oh no, “OLD”.  What exactly is old? Is it a numerical range that suddenly makes you less of a person than others? Is it a physical degrading that means you no longer can be an active member of society? Who decided on what old is? When did old go from being seen as something that people were not afraid of becoming to something that everyone dreads like the black plague-myself included deep down.  I’ve been spending quite a bit of time looking back at the last 40 years of my life, thinking if there are things I would have done differently or changes I would have made.  Everyone says “well if I knew then….” Or “I regret not doing…” I can easily say I don’t say either of these things.  I have lived my life the way I was meant to.  No, I am not where I always pictured myself being at 40 years old. No I have not accomplished anywhere near the things I had wished to at this age. I can say though that I have lived my life, so far, with no regrets-all my choices and decisions-good or bad-have been made with the knowledge that someday I didn’t want to look back and go “Wow I wish I had…”  The things in my life that wish had been different I know were meant to happen-they made me who I am today.  There is nothing that I could change-all the things that have happened to me built me into this labyrinth of mazes that help protect me from all the things that cause too much pain. I learned at an early age, after my own brush with death that life is too short for regrets, sometimes you just have to hold your breath and leap.  Whatever happens happens.  I had forgotten this and got so wrapped up in the “adult” world of bills and jobs and all those other things that we’re supposed to do and forgot to live.  After a few people close to me age while in their 30’s died, I was reminded-life is too short-do the things you want to, you need to, yes it’s scary sometimes but just jump.  Nothing in my life was set in stone and nothing in my future is set in stone-the fates hold many things in store for me. The wheel turns and I will turn with it or be dropped beneath it and crushed.

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