Waning Crescent Moon
Waning Crescent Moon

The moon is currently in Gemini
The moon is 24 days old

support

Hi there folks!  I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence.  To say that life caught up with me?  Well that would be a gross understatement.  We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.

In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways.  My path has deepened.  My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection.  I am content again.  I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand.  I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.

I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value.  I do deserve happiness.  I deserve feeling and being beautiful.  What does this all mean?  Well I am doing new things.  I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start.  I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot.  Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me.  What do they know that I do not, about myself?  Pretty much nothing.

Who am I?  I am a witch.  I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy.  I am loved.  I love.  I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me.  These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down.  The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not.  Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself.  I lost a few friends along the way.  People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point.  Guess I was fooled.  That hurt a bit.  I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for  anyone other than myself and how I react to things.  I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to.  I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.

To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth.  It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person.  To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings.  I love each of you…my friends past and present.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life.  I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life. I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing.  YAY!  With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.

chime-blessing-new-yearFor the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus.  I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer.  That’s to say really poorly.  With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last.  The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was.  Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.

As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉  True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further.  It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years.  Yes, things are changing.  I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement.  Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light.  My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.

ComparisonTo those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me.  If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen.  Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program.  In April of this year I decided to do something for my health.  I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most.  A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it.  A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body.  Fast forward a bit.  I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer.  It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.

As of today I have lost about 92 lbs.  I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period.  Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.

Part of the reboot includes each of these things:

  • Daily workout
  • Meal prep to avoid eating out
  • Isagenix shakes and vitamins
  • Accountability group on Facebook
  • Daily accountability with my coach.

It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me.  I LOVE food.  I love food that is bad for me.  I love foods that are good for me.  I love potato chips even more.  So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food?  I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced.  I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.

The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts.  By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement.  The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.

Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl.  In January I am going to do a 5K again.  I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do.  My goal is to do it in an hour or less.  If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes.  I am going to start training for it and mean it this time.  I will finish the Color Vibe!

 

at Hann's Park under a Willow tree near the stream

at Hann’s Park under a Willow tree near the stream

So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.

This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:

  • I will blog three times a week
    • Monday’s will be weekend musings
    • Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
    • Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
  • Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
  • I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
  • Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.

Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up.  There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful.  I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.

I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month.  There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks.  I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.

All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends.  I’m digging it.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.

For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?

Full Definition of BEAUTY

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness

2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman

3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality

4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>

If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.

I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.

How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.

What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!

DSCN0072When your computer, phone, tablet and the like have problems, the first thing most people do is rebooting them to clear any lingering processes that aren’t quite closing right. Sometimes, you really just want to do that with life as well.

There comes a time that when stresses pile up, that you become totally overwhelmed and just don’t know where to start. When you are in that place, a lot of the time you just never start. Things pile up higher and higher and soon you feel buried, overwhelmed and just want to curl up for a long nap and a good cry.

When you get to this place, you cannot even truly tell you are in it but you know you are true and well, overwhelmed and feel buried beneath all the things you are responsible for. Things begin slipping through the cracks, work becomes less important, focus begins to wane and motivation, well that is gone too. I’ve been in this place lately and let me tell you, my friend that it’s not easy to overcome.

Walking through the wilderness of life you are confronted with many lessons and challenges that ultimately will enable and help you to grow to whatever may be next for you as a human or a spirit. We never know what these things will teach us, how we will react to them or what will happen on the other side. The darkness that we encounter through each is real and it can be all encompassing for a time. How do you confront that which you cannot see? How do you work through the dark night? How do you, differentiate challenge and lesson to just rotten luck? I don’t have any of the answers to these questions but I can tell you that I’ve asked myself these questions so many times to date that the answers of them, well they no longer matter to me.

The realizations that I have had have helped me get from one “nasty” spot to a place that is more beautiful by immeasurable numbers. Before I get into the grit of my experiences, I should warn you that these are simply my thoughts based on the situations that I have experienced in some form during my short life of 42 years. There comes a time in life when you just kick off your shoes and decide that you will not continue down a destructive path.

My shoes are now kicked off; I’ve had enough of the drama. There is only one-way for me and that is forward. I’m sure along the way forward I will fall flat on my face and that some things, simply will not work out the way I intend or hope. I refuse to let this slow me down or get me down.

It begins now with a health reboot. I put on my big girl panties and decided I would stop self-sabotaging my health. I am back on my bandwagon and will continue to move forward. I am continuing some very deep work to complete the righting of my “self” and spirit. Through meditation and journaling I will be working towards a healthy spirit, through diet and exercise I will be working towards a healthy body. My practices will be evolving into a new lifestyle that will serve me better.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I begin this day with affirmations. I am healthy; I am filled with spirit and light. I feel love and receive love. I am a beautiful person.

 

Wallpaper found on Wallisty

Wallpaper found on Wallisty

Even in our darkest hours we are never truly alone.  If you open your heart, you will feel the support surrounding you.  I have a vision, it’s a simple one but mine nevertheless.  I want to share my experiences, I want to learn more and help those who have walked the path in the dark, thinking they were alone for far too long and offer them support and more.

This is my vision: In my this work I will combine my Priestesshood with the counseling of those who have depression or similar disorders. For years we fight alone and without the support that can be garnered by community and our Priesthood. As a result of this solitude, we often encounter fear, self-loathing and the impression we are weak. None of this is the case. I plan to bring counseling and tools to the Sacred Mists community to help my brothers and sisters, which suffer from the multitude of depressive disorders. This will be done through community, counseling and helping to provide quality information and tools to work within spirit and with both western and eastern medicinal traditions for healing. I will accomplish this through research, training and outreach.

I am in the infant phases of this at the present.  I am doing the exploration right now to determine the need and desire for this very thing.  In this exploration I see potential services to be offered:

  • Community Support via closed forum for privacy
  • IM support/counseling
  • Phone support/counseling
  • Spell work support with counseling
  • Reiki, Spell work, Meditation support with counseling

Some of these services will be free of charge, others will carry a moderate fee for time and materials (where applicable).  This of course will be offered on a sliding scale for folks who need the support but just cannot afford it.  I am also considering doing this with a pay it forward aspect to it so that if you cannot afford it, with an agreement to make a love donation in the future for someone who needs it but cannot afford it, I will do the work free of charge.  I’m still working out the logistics in my head and exploring the coursework that I will be taking to make this a realization.  There will be a lot of research on my end as well as some psychology coursework.

In the end I think this can be great.  Does this sound interesting to you?  Please comment here on the blog with your thoughts and any questions.  Do not reply on facebook please! 🙂

This is  my path, my manifestation, by my will so mote it be.

This is my path, my manifestation, by my will so mote it be.

Yesterday, I shared a very intimate part of my life…my ongoing battle with depression.  The thing about depression is that we always think we are alone and we are the only ones that are suffering when this is actually far from the truth.

I look back on the years of self-seclusion and realize that I could have been getting better support all along if I had simply opened up.  That is not as easy as it sounds of course.  We are always our worst critics and sometimes even enemies when it comes to things like this especially.

As a result of this I am going to spend time to focus on this within my own spiritual community and try to meet the needs of said community to help us all grow together.  This of course will not be something that I can accomplish overnight as it will require a great deal of time, study and hard work, which I am not afraid of.

This just FEELS right to me and it circles back with what I wanted to do in high school in some ways.  Yes this is the way.

Shining light into the darkness and shadows...River in the campground we stayed at...a beautiful time to be in nature.

Shining light into the darkness and shadows…River in the campground we stayed at…a beautiful time to be in nature.

This is a scary thing for me to admit and it’s something not many people know but here it is.

I have had depression for most of my life, dating back to high school.  Then it was considered hormones as I grew into my adult life, then it was considered “all in my head” where no one wanted to treat me.  I eventually broke down several years ago and made my doctor listen, his response was “I don’t think you have depression and it’s all in your head.  Here are some mild anti-depressants take them as long as you want or not at all and stop whenever you want”, never once did he ask me about it again.  They did not help…they turned me into a zombie with zero emotions going through life with no joy or anything at all.  I stopped taking them.

At some point I have tried many different herbal remedies and ultimately had some successes for brief periods with them.  They never lasted long.  For years I struggled and became a shell of myself though I am easily able to hide it by turning myself “on” when I am out in the world.  Only an empath might be able to tell the difference.  I was very good at hiding except when I was at home.  Many years passed and thoughts became darker and darker until I decided that if I did not do something about it, those dark thoughts would win eventually.  I searched for a new doctor, it would be my first attempt since we moved to California.  I was a wreck right up to the appointment with panic attacks and fear of a repeat performance of the last time I tried (which now was about ten years).  I sat in the examination room and when the doctor walked in, I felt a sigh of relief within my spirit.  Something told me THIS doctor would listen.  I spoke to her about many of the things I was experiencing.  She listened to my horror stories of past doctors.  Ultimately, she diagnosed severe depression with social anxiety.  Thank the Gods!  Someone finally listened and I can get some help.  We worked on a treatment plan and since that day in December I have been back in the office several times for evaluations.  By taking a chance I saved my life with her help.

Now a lot of people have always said those that are on medications that alter their chemical composition should not practice witchcraft.  I have never understood this.  Having depression and getting treated does not mean you are incapable of connecting with deity and spirit.  I have found quite the opposite.  I have worked with deity to help me through the worst spots and even now when I have a bad day, and yes I do still have them but they are much better, I turn to spirit to help me through it.  My mental processes are much more clear and positive than they have been in years.  I truly feel other emotions now than just sadness, anger and depression, the others are returning to me and I have found as my chemical balance is restored that I can connect much better to spirit, to deity and to other people through my gift of empathy.

Am I alright?  Not yet but I can see a light in the tunnel at long last and the feels are real.  Working with spirit helped save my life before it got too bad, working with my doctor saved my life when it was too bad for me to make it on my own any more.  I feel no shame in having done these things, though I am aware that people will look at me differently now that the “truth” is out there. It is but once facet of who I am.

I am a living, breathing, healing witch.  I walk my path everyday and with every breath I feel better, with every interaction I smile and with every smile, hug and laugh…I know I am on the right road.

Smoke flows and moves through roaring flames.  A visible reminder of the clearance of that which no longer serves

Smoke flows and moves through roaring flames. A visible reminder of the clearance of that which no longer serves

Sometimes you just get the crap in life that sticks in your head and throat.  I’m talking about getting a head cold of course.  Yesterday, I did not write. I was not well and writing a spiritual post when I was feeling so horribly was simply not in the cards for me.  Today I feel no better but need to at least try to write something.

I try to lead a spirit driven life.  In my life I prefer to make informed decisions that do not go against what my heart says.  Sometimes this is not going to happen and I accept that.  Right now I am sitting in bed with my laptop.  I have been off and on working and laying down all morning.  It’s now noon.  I’ve had a bowl of fabulous homemade chicken noodle soup, taken some more medication for symptom relief and waiting.  I am moving through emails at a snails pace.  I need to get a few things done.  I will it will just take me longer.

Sometimes your body tells you to SLOW DOWN.  You are doing too much.  You are not taking care of yourself the way you need to.  So, I slow down.  I breathe as well as my sinus’ allow me to and I close my eyes frequently.  Sometimes I drift off to sleep and other times I drift away in a meditative like state.  All of these are seemingly necessary.  My goal today is to be like smoke.  Smoke flows and moves through roaring flames, through cracks and crevices finding a way to move and simply be.  It is a visible reminder that in order to live at some point you have to clear that which no longer serves you.  Right now, being busy and harried no longer serves me.  I rest.  I recuperate.  I am smoke.