Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
It’s hard to say really what is worse, knowing you are going to be faced with a hard decision or actually MAKING that decision or even still living with the decision. Over the last several months it’s been increasingly obvious that Tyr (our lovely tortie female – yes I know Tyr is a male name but it fit her perfectly) was absolutely unhappy with her life with us.
How could I tell? Since we’ve moved she has had more “outbreaks” than she has had in the last two years…seemingly once every two weeks and sometimes more frequently. While there were times that she would be perfectly fine and social, other times she would hide for days…barely coming out for us to see her eat. Even with the prozac keeping her more even it was simply not enough. She would take to peeing on the carpet in the office…and really nothing is harder to get out of carpet than cat urine.
We kept working with her trying harder and harder to help her feel comfortable and content. As time wore on the episodes of happy Tyr became fewer and fewer. Ultimately, for the last month, I’ve been cleaning the carpet by hand every other day to keep it from soaking in. A decision had to be made and we could not put it off any longer. I really could not keep up with the level of cleaning required and it was making all of us miserable, not just her.
I began contacting various local rescues…all were full and could not offer much in the way of advice, a couple never even got back to me. By the time this past weekend rolled around I was so unhappy and was cleaning daily. It was clear she was positively miserable…not even coming out if we were in the room anymore…not even for food.
I think I cried a whole lot on Thursday night and got really drunk to try and just relax enough to sleep. Friday was super busy as I was in Napa…came home to a mess in the office including poo on the carpet. Called a couple other places. We were positively miserable on Saturday waiting for our first appointment in Vacaville for the SPCA to assess her to see if she would work in their environment. After the assessment I felt defeated and totally deflated. We made a couple stops at different Petco’s to talk to some rescues (that had not returned my calls or emails). One offered to let me sit with them on Sunday to try and adopt her out since their fosters were full. The other offered assistance and for me to try something first.
The advice was sound. Tyr was a feral cat when we got her…maybe she’d be happier with us as an outdoor cat. I was against the idea as she never really seemed to want to go outside for any reason at all but was willing to try it. If she did not like it they would take her and get her a good home.
We set out to give her a safe haven in the back yard (fenced) with places to be warm (electric cat bed), blankets, enclosure and hidey hole. Then we took her out to them. She stayed in the warm enclosure for two days. Then she left.
It’s been three days now and we’ve not seen her at all. I can only hope that we did the right thing and that she has found what she needed from someone nearby. We’ve left places in the yard for her in case she comes back. This was the hardest decision we’ve had to make for the family in years. The other cats seem more chill and happier without the stress of my beautiful Tortie. Tyr I hope you found a loving home that will take superior care of you for years to come.
There are a great many things in life that I simply do not understand. I’ve come to a place in my life where understanding is simply not required for all situations. I can continue to walk my path with my head held high. I know I make mistakes, I know I fall on my face sometimes. And yes sometimes I take on too much, things will fall through the cracks. I will get everything picked up and have everything running smoothly but you’d be lucky to find me interacting. I get so busy with keeping things running in the backend that my frontend is forgotten all about.
One of the things that I have learned over the years is that I must go with the ebb and flow of my life. There are periods of much activity in the forefront or public and periods of activity behind the scenes. Rarely are the two periods ever in any kind of balance. It’s either rain or shine it seems.
At some point recently I decided that it was time to begin working on changing that. To begin working both in the rain and the shine so to speak. I want to maintain a presence in the front and in the back. This is going to be one of my biggest personal challenges to myself in a while. I have to schedule time to sit and be present in forums, attend chats, visit with friends, while at the same time getting my work done, attending to my home, my family and other duties. Hmm…this should be interesting to see how it all works out. I want to make it a habit. Something that I can do well and continue to improve upon. This is the emotional aspect of my healthy improvements I’ve been making for sometime. Physically I am working on stamina, endurance and overall health. Weight loss is a ‘bonus’ in this adventure. My spiritual and emotional sides must also be nurtured though this.
Can’t, Don’t, Quit, Walk away…are words and concepts that are foreign to me. I continue on no matter what. I will make mistakes. I will fall on my face during this. I will also learn and improve as I go along. This should be enlightening, terrifying and wonderful.
I’ve had the oddest dream. Not last night but the night before last. In my dream I was Mary. Yes *that* Mary but not entirely. It was an interesting infusion of Mary that I had never heard of or encountered.
A little back story before I go too far into the dream itself. A couple years ago, I began a search looking for some insight into Mary Magdalene, Persephone and Lilith. I had been called to work for Lilith. The embodiment of Sacred Feminine and Sexuality. This led me to Mary Magdalene and to Persephone. I have worked very little with the latter two yet continue to feel that they have played an important role in Sacred Feminine and Sexuality.
I’ll admit that most often women spend a great deal of time focusing on the Sacred Feminine. I feel this is in part because we had the Sacred Masculine required and the *only* option for so long. It’s like discovering you had a sister all the sudden and you just want to know more!
Onto the dream.
In my dream I was Mary but not entirely. It was an interesting mix of Mary and Mary Magdalene. I felt as if I were the embodiment of the Goddess herself. I *knew* that my child (whom had not been conceived yet) would be persecuted and destroyed. The twist on the tale is that I was getting ready to be married (arranged marriage) to Herod. I knew that it would be Herod who would ultimately destroy ‘our’ son. I had the gift of prophesy and psychic abilities as well in my dream. I was a Priestess. To look at me, you would easily say that I was a Roman Elite. I was wearing a beautiful light colored and elaborately layered toga with gold, silver and jewels decorating the collar and sleeves. My brown hair was coiffed high upon my head with a circlet surrounding the coif, with ringlets hanging down from it. The circlet was a thin band of braided metals. Clearly aristocratic & divine. On my upper arms were bands, one of which was a snake coiled.
As my dream progressed, and the day of my arranged wedding drew closer, the Goddess seemed to simply radiate from within me. On the day of my wedding, I began getting cramps signalling the coming of my moon cycle. This was unacceptable to me. I leaned carefully against a columned wall, placed my hands across my mid-section and began to breathe deeply. Stating very clearly that there would be no Cycle right now, I would not be bleeding on my wedding day for conception was required of me.
This is around the time I woke up.
Clearly a very strange dream for me on several levels. I will never bear children of my own and this is my choice. In my dream the interesting mix of Goddesses coming together into one being struck a cord with me. Once again I am picking up the Magdalene Manuscripts and reading.
In all this, I see that while I may be sacrificing something I love, good will come of that sacrifice. I continue on knowing that I will see and experience great pain and loss. The good that comes from this to me and my community and potentially the larger global community will be significant.
Things to ponder