Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
For sometime now, I have been actively working on my “issues” that have been recurring situations in my life. Things like never feeling like I am enough, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not this or that. As a way to combat this type of behavior in myself I am starting a jar that I will put those bottled up harmful self-speak emotions in. Once a month I am going to burn those papers until the jar has fewer and fewer instances then none at all. I am feeling that I am truly on the right path for healing.
One of the things that I do is work with my gemstones and grids frequently. This is an amazing bit of healing as they lend their energies to me so that I can work things out in a real manner and not just buried or bottled up. I have a lovely grid in the bedroom that has a red lemurian star with amethyst points and some blue chalcedony. The focus of this grid is peaceful rest with dream recall. Amethyst provides a healing, peaceful energies, while the blue chalcedony adds calming + balancing energies to bring me to center. The lemurian seed crystals used to create the star are there for divine connection, and have been programmed to instill restful sleep. With the energies combining on this grid you get an amazing bit of energy for true soul healing while connected to the divine all while sleeping.
In my workspace, I reset my grid every two weeks (at the new moon and full moon). As a result I have reset this grid today. I’ve used smokey lemurian seed crystals, red lemurian seed crystals, zoisite with ruby, bronzite, iolite-sunstone, angelite, carnelian heart, blue onyx. The grid is then surrounded with more lemurian seed crystals in red and smokey, a candle quartz and a red hematoid quartz. Zoisite with Ruby can help you with growth, healing, alleviates grief, anger and hopelessness. It’s a powerful healer to the emotional body. Bronzite can dispel negative energies, help harness self-esteem and raise it, inspires courtesy while alleviating indecision and doubt. Iolite-Sunstone helps enhancing intuitive abilities giving a sense of determination for manifestation and creation. It’s wonderful for confidence and self-assurance. Angelite helps us communicate in a clear and concise way. It’s very soothing to allow peace and
benevolence of spirit + heart. Onyx promotes vigor and stamina, as well as self-confidence, self-control and stimulates the power to make wise decisions. Blue onyx helps with our spiritual strength to get through the rigors of difficult situations. My activation stone here is a carnelian heart, once in place the whole grid becomes entwined energetically. Alone, the carnelian is in place for manifestation of highest goals and dreams. It helps overcome the fear of success and embracing of change. The energies here mix for strength, confidence, peace and healing with grounding and negativity cleansing. This grid provides me the energy to continue to work with myself and with great peace at work. I am enabled to be positive and joyful in my actions, I am confident in my abilities, I remain balanced and grounded.
In each of my grids, I feel the energy filling me up and truly helping me focus on the healing process from years of self-talk that was not healthy and to find the true me below all the masks I wear.
So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.
This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:
- I will blog three times a week
- Monday’s will be weekend musings
- Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
- Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
- Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
- I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
- Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.
Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up. There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful. I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.
I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month. There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks. I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.
All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends. I’m digging it.
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.
There are a number of things that affect our daily lives, while most of them we can honestly do nothing about. There are things that we can control and they all surround your person. You can control your energy, your attitude, your confidence and light. The world around you can and will affect the things you can control. Someone cuts you off in traffic, cuts in line, acts rudely and so on; these things will enter your sphere of joy and pop it like a bubble. All of those things that happen to us are out of our control. Where we go from the moment something “happens to us” is where our control steps in.
One of the things in my life is that I am fat. I have been fat most of my life and it’s something I always have struggled with. During my struggles I have worked out to the extreme (swimming for an hour after an hour of cardio and/or weights). I was “fit” but not thin to some degree. I was thick. Recently I decided, to stop striving for thin, to stop comparing myself to other women’s bodies. I am my own, my body belongs to the spirit that is me. I will never be thin and you know what? GOOD! I don’t need to be, to be awesome or beautiful. All I need is health, love and happiness.
So now that I have made the decision to not try to be skinny, I define what health is for me. Health for me is being able to walk without extreme knee pain or extreme back pain. Health for me is being able to keep up with my pups, my family and my friends. Health is a complete state of being where my body is as content as my spirit.
The next question is how to get to that place. For me it’s a matter of finding balance in how I eat, what I eat and exercise. In general, I tend to dislike working out for the sake of working out so I do things like mopping, cleaning, walking the dogs to feel like I am “doing something”. This is proving to not be enough so I am going to start a workout routine a little something everyday.
I am not going to get all crazy about it, I am going to go with the flow. I need fluidity in my life and path. There is movement that goes in both directions. Not only in weight and health but in the spiritual as well. It begins small with daily meditations which include a moment of healing and strength sent to the world fur use in whatever fashion it is needed. It continues with kindness, smiling and yes teaching. In the quiet moments, I am able to sit, listen to the birds outside and find that space inside that whispers, flow with me.
Sometimes the voice is so soft that I can barely hear it over the din of my own thoughts which demand my attention. The act of stillness can be quite difficult to achieve sometimes but I keep trying to get there to go with the flow that life takes me…without compromising myself. This is where my path comes in and shares it’s light from within so that I can flow as a tide. Not every time will things go my way, hell even half the time they don’t! Just don’t give up. I live with depression everyday. I struggle in life, as do many others. Your path is your own and your journey your own. Take a moment to affirm that it is yours and that comparison does more harm than any good.
You are unique. Your path unique, your experiences, everything. Lean towards friends for support, when you need to vent remind them that you are not looking for answers but just an outlet and to please simply listen and provide hugs and empathy to their plight. When we go with the flow, we can flow together for the highest good of everyone. Yes I am babbly today, I apologize for that. A cohesive thought process was not meant to be for this. I simply went with the flow of the thoughts and yes I feel more peaceful. Write. Sing. Dance. Be Alive. You are beautiful and wonderful.
When your computer, phone, tablet and the like have problems, the first thing most people do is rebooting them to clear any lingering processes that aren’t quite closing right. Sometimes, you really just want to do that with life as well.
There comes a time that when stresses pile up, that you become totally overwhelmed and just don’t know where to start. When you are in that place, a lot of the time you just never start. Things pile up higher and higher and soon you feel buried, overwhelmed and just want to curl up for a long nap and a good cry.
When you get to this place, you cannot even truly tell you are in it but you know you are true and well, overwhelmed and feel buried beneath all the things you are responsible for. Things begin slipping through the cracks, work becomes less important, focus begins to wane and motivation, well that is gone too. I’ve been in this place lately and let me tell you, my friend that it’s not easy to overcome.
Walking through the wilderness of life you are confronted with many lessons and challenges that ultimately will enable and help you to grow to whatever may be next for you as a human or a spirit. We never know what these things will teach us, how we will react to them or what will happen on the other side. The darkness that we encounter through each is real and it can be all encompassing for a time. How do you confront that which you cannot see? How do you work through the dark night? How do you, differentiate challenge and lesson to just rotten luck? I don’t have any of the answers to these questions but I can tell you that I’ve asked myself these questions so many times to date that the answers of them, well they no longer matter to me.
The realizations that I have had have helped me get from one “nasty” spot to a place that is more beautiful by immeasurable numbers. Before I get into the grit of my experiences, I should warn you that these are simply my thoughts based on the situations that I have experienced in some form during my short life of 42 years. There comes a time in life when you just kick off your shoes and decide that you will not continue down a destructive path.
My shoes are now kicked off; I’ve had enough of the drama. There is only one-way for me and that is forward. I’m sure along the way forward I will fall flat on my face and that some things, simply will not work out the way I intend or hope. I refuse to let this slow me down or get me down.
It begins now with a health reboot. I put on my big girl panties and decided I would stop self-sabotaging my health. I am back on my bandwagon and will continue to move forward. I am continuing some very deep work to complete the righting of my “self” and spirit. Through meditation and journaling I will be working towards a healthy spirit, through diet and exercise I will be working towards a healthy body. My practices will be evolving into a new lifestyle that will serve me better.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I begin this day with affirmations. I am healthy; I am filled with spirit and light. I feel love and receive love. I am a beautiful person.
This is a scary thing for me to admit and it’s something not many people know but here it is.
I have had depression for most of my life, dating back to high school. Then it was considered hormones as I grew into my adult life, then it was considered “all in my head” where no one wanted to treat me. I eventually broke down several years ago and made my doctor listen, his response was “I don’t think you have depression and it’s all in your head. Here are some mild anti-depressants take them as long as you want or not at all and stop whenever you want”, never once did he ask me about it again. They did not help…they turned me into a zombie with zero emotions going through life with no joy or anything at all. I stopped taking them.
At some point I have tried many different herbal remedies and ultimately had some successes for brief periods with them. They never lasted long. For years I struggled and became a shell of myself though I am easily able to hide it by turning myself “on” when I am out in the world. Only an empath might be able to tell the difference. I was very good at hiding except when I was at home. Many years passed and thoughts became darker and darker until I decided that if I did not do something about it, those dark thoughts would win eventually. I searched for a new doctor, it would be my first attempt since we moved to California. I was a wreck right up to the appointment with panic attacks and fear of a repeat performance of the last time I tried (which now was about ten years). I sat in the examination room and when the doctor walked in, I felt a sigh of relief within my spirit. Something told me THIS doctor would listen. I spoke to her about many of the things I was experiencing. She listened to my horror stories of past doctors. Ultimately, she diagnosed severe depression with social anxiety. Thank the Gods! Someone finally listened and I can get some help. We worked on a treatment plan and since that day in December I have been back in the office several times for evaluations. By taking a chance I saved my life with her help.
Now a lot of people have always said those that are on medications that alter their chemical composition should not practice witchcraft. I have never understood this. Having depression and getting treated does not mean you are incapable of connecting with deity and spirit. I have found quite the opposite. I have worked with deity to help me through the worst spots and even now when I have a bad day, and yes I do still have them but they are much better, I turn to spirit to help me through it. My mental processes are much more clear and positive than they have been in years. I truly feel other emotions now than just sadness, anger and depression, the others are returning to me and I have found as my chemical balance is restored that I can connect much better to spirit, to deity and to other people through my gift of empathy.
Am I alright? Not yet but I can see a light in the tunnel at long last and the feels are real. Working with spirit helped save my life before it got too bad, working with my doctor saved my life when it was too bad for me to make it on my own any more. I feel no shame in having done these things, though I am aware that people will look at me differently now that the “truth” is out there. It is but once facet of who I am.
I am a living, breathing, healing witch. I walk my path everyday and with every breath I feel better, with every interaction I smile and with every smile, hug and laugh…I know I am on the right road.
It’s been several days since I’ve written and I can feel that. I try to write everyday but sometimes it’s just hard. Life gets in the way of writing and when that happens I have to remember to be gentle with myself about it. I’ve been sick for the last 4 or 5 days. It’s a head cold so nothing that a doctor can do anything about, it just needs to run it’s course and be gone. I’ve tried to be kind to myself while I need the extra rest and not overdo it. It’s hard, when you are used to GOING on weekends and getting stuff done to realize that the nap in the middle of the day is absolutely necessary. Being in bed by 8 also necessary. I just could not stay awake even when I was taking dayquil so I tried to not fight it.
This morning dawned early, as with all weekdays. We get up at 5:30 and get the day started so that by 6:30 we can leave the house to take my husband to the ferry so he can be to work by 8:30 at the latest. It’s a long day but one that is routine for us. By 9am I start work (at the latest) and then go through everything that needs to be done. At 5pm I am done and start working on dinner and feeding the fur-kids and any chores left undone from the morning. Leave to pick up K by 5:55 then we are home by 6:30p and then it’s dinner for us and winding down from the day.
This is a glance at the daily routine for us. Let’s throw in being sick and then you can see a thick layer of fog descending into place. It’s hard to see through. You become unsteady and need extra breaks from the simplest things. Slowly the fog lifts and you regain health. I am able to start seeing through the fog of this head cold finally so there is progress on it. My goals for today are simple. Don’t nap. Get as much work done as possible and do so with a smile.
It seems that it’s been a while since I was able to smile all day long and more than anything I would love to find that happy place again. Hopeful that it is on the other side of this fog I move on. No more anger and “flying off the handle” over silly things. Finding balance is going to be key. Fall is finally here so perhaps that will help me get there. Slowly I move through the fog and look for the sunshine that is hidden somewhere within.
Sometimes you just get the crap in life that sticks in your head and throat. I’m talking about getting a head cold of course. Yesterday, I did not write. I was not well and writing a spiritual post when I was feeling so horribly was simply not in the cards for me. Today I feel no better but need to at least try to write something.
I try to lead a spirit driven life. In my life I prefer to make informed decisions that do not go against what my heart says. Sometimes this is not going to happen and I accept that. Right now I am sitting in bed with my laptop. I have been off and on working and laying down all morning. It’s now noon. I’ve had a bowl of fabulous homemade chicken noodle soup, taken some more medication for symptom relief and waiting. I am moving through emails at a snails pace. I need to get a few things done. I will it will just take me longer.
Sometimes your body tells you to SLOW DOWN. You are doing too much. You are not taking care of yourself the way you need to. So, I slow down. I breathe as well as my sinus’ allow me to and I close my eyes frequently. Sometimes I drift off to sleep and other times I drift away in a meditative like state. All of these are seemingly necessary. My goal today is to be like smoke. Smoke flows and moves through roaring flames, through cracks and crevices finding a way to move and simply be. It is a visible reminder that in order to live at some point you have to clear that which no longer serves you. Right now, being busy and harried no longer serves me. I rest. I recuperate. I am smoke.