Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
I started writing this a few days ago and did not get around to finishing it…late nights working and a ton of things to do in general, aside from all that I wanted to learn a little more about the stone I am focusing on this week and that included a couple nights of meditation and sleep with it as well as lots of reading. The more I worked with the freeform Shungite piece I have the more it showed me that I needed to use it in a grid not just as a single stone of focused energy work.
To start I will share about each of the stones on the grid I am using for it right now. The Shungite is the focal piece with four jet and four lapis lazuli atop a grey agate slice. Let me tell you a little about the stones that I am using here…
What can I say about this stone? Not enough as I am still learning to work with it. For Yule this year I was gifted this lovely piece of Shungite, it’s quite an amazing energy and a large stone. The first time I touched this stone I received this amazing zing that went straight up my arm, through every cell in my body and out through the skin at the top of my head, after it filled me with this amazing light energy clearing out ALL the gunky energy that has been holding onto my light bodies. Shungite, is considered by some to be a shaman’s stone for it’s amazing energetic balancing and attraction to drawing in the light and freeing one from negative patterns at every level, down to the very molecules of who we are. This seemingly molecular alignment helps us to clear the patterns that manifest in ourselves in ways such as emotional difficulties, disease and negativity. If you are ungrounded, shungite will aid you to better connect with the earth. Looking further into the work of shungite, you can see it’s deep connection to universal energy and provides us with an aura of psychic protection. It is a stone of truth, many find themselves uncomfortable when holding, wearing or actively using shungite to lie or create falseness. Through active workings with shungite you are able to begin to let go of deeply seated feelings of shame, guilt, fear or anything which holds you back through harmful/negative influences within yourself.
Lapis is most often called “The stone of Queens”, it is known for being used in ancient Egypt as a stone of royalty. It was worn by and decorated the tombs of Pharaohs of Ancient Egypt. Lapis Lazuli carries the vibrations to awaken your path to self-knowledge to discovering truth and connection to Deity.
It is known for activating the higher mind and psychic abilities, the combination of minerals can assist in acting in accordance with your highest ideals and visions. Traditionally, it has been used to assist in connecting with the Gods and invoking divine inspiration and is also used to help with seeking knowledge and understanding. Further, it is known for use in past life exploration through gaining access to the Akashic Records. It’s a true stone of self-knowledge and reflection.
Jet is a stone for purification and protection, similar to selenite, jet absorbs energy and processes it into clear and helpful energy. Through this absorption process you can see how it is both purification and protecting as it will inhibit harmful energy for reaching in the same manner but transforms it into something usable.
Additionally, jet can be used to help discover the place where your potential and power lie. It can help you see beyond the “negative” and find the lesson of a situation and then integrate that lesson into manifestation of something “better”. Jet clears your energetic field of patterns and attachments of the negative experiences, through the clearing of the attachment you turn the experiences into the lessons (mentioned above) in order for you to perceive your self more completely and help you develop to your fullest potential.
Let’s look at the combined energy of this grid and the supporting stones I’ve added, clear quartz, smokey, pink and clear lemurians, aqua aura quartz to really get in there and support the energy of the grid. This grid is all about clearing out the inner clutter and really healing the harmful patterns that I have adopted over the years. I am retaking my sacred self. I am filling my heart with things that bring me joy and ridding the clutter, abuses of the past and making the way for the re-awakening of my entire body and spirit. Oh it’s coming and I can’t wait to share it all with you along the way.
For sometime now, I have been actively working on my “issues” that have been recurring situations in my life. Things like never feeling like I am enough, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not this or that. As a way to combat this type of behavior in myself I am starting a jar that I will put those bottled up harmful self-speak emotions in. Once a month I am going to burn those papers until the jar has fewer and fewer instances then none at all. I am feeling that I am truly on the right path for healing.
One of the things that I do is work with my gemstones and grids frequently. This is an amazing bit of healing as they lend their energies to me so that I can work things out in a real manner and not just buried or bottled up. I have a lovely grid in the bedroom that has a red lemurian star with amethyst points and some blue chalcedony. The focus of this grid is peaceful rest with dream recall. Amethyst provides a healing, peaceful energies, while the blue chalcedony adds calming + balancing energies to bring me to center. The lemurian seed crystals used to create the star are there for divine connection, and have been programmed to instill restful sleep. With the energies combining on this grid you get an amazing bit of energy for true soul healing while connected to the divine all while sleeping.
In my workspace, I reset my grid every two weeks (at the new moon and full moon). As a result I have reset this grid today. I’ve used smokey lemurian seed crystals, red lemurian seed crystals, zoisite with ruby, bronzite, iolite-sunstone, angelite, carnelian heart, blue onyx. The grid is then surrounded with more lemurian seed crystals in red and smokey, a candle quartz and a red hematoid quartz. Zoisite with Ruby can help you with growth, healing, alleviates grief, anger and hopelessness. It’s a powerful healer to the emotional body. Bronzite can dispel negative energies, help harness self-esteem and raise it, inspires courtesy while alleviating indecision and doubt. Iolite-Sunstone helps enhancing intuitive abilities giving a sense of determination for manifestation and creation. It’s wonderful for confidence and self-assurance. Angelite helps us communicate in a clear and concise way. It’s very soothing to allow peace and
benevolence of spirit + heart. Onyx promotes vigor and stamina, as well as self-confidence, self-control and stimulates the power to make wise decisions. Blue onyx helps with our spiritual strength to get through the rigors of difficult situations. My activation stone here is a carnelian heart, once in place the whole grid becomes entwined energetically. Alone, the carnelian is in place for manifestation of highest goals and dreams. It helps overcome the fear of success and embracing of change. The energies here mix for strength, confidence, peace and healing with grounding and negativity cleansing. This grid provides me the energy to continue to work with myself and with great peace at work. I am enabled to be positive and joyful in my actions, I am confident in my abilities, I remain balanced and grounded.
In each of my grids, I feel the energy filling me up and truly helping me focus on the healing process from years of self-talk that was not healthy and to find the true me below all the masks I wear.
Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing. YAY! With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.
For the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus. I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer. That’s to say really poorly. With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last. The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was. Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.
As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉 True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further. It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years. Yes, things are changing. I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement. Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light. My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.
A lot of things have been floating in and out of my head lately. Some of them about life and weight and health while others are about how I can, energetically and spiritually get through this dark night and continue my personal evolution. Each thought that comes to me I try to acknowledge it so that I can hopefully remember it. Right now the magick of the moment is daily practice of my path and finding health together.
What is daily practice? As with all things, it’s a matter of perspective. Each of us will find something different that is vital to our spiritual growth and well being. For me my daily practice is simple, elegant in a manner and meaningful to me.
I have a friend who has not had “sacred space” readily available for about three years. That’s not to say she’s stopped practicing just she’s been doing it on the fly and nothing of permanence has been set up for her in her own home. I took some time today to help her do some cleaning and I set up some sacred pieces for her then smudged. The house definitely felt different after the fact and I can tell that things will start to improve for her. I see things getting better. She just needed someone to come in and help her get it started after a move.
Anyway, I digressed greatly. Magick and Practice does not have to be these big grand gestures. They do not have to follow a formula or a specific set of correspondences. Do you FEEL something different? Then go with it. Spirit calls to us in different ways. Why do we have to follow the “old rules” when life changes and evolves?
Do the Gods appear differently to you? That’s ok. Is your altar set up in the North? That’s ok. Do you prefer a crystal for a wand and an antler for an athame? That’s ok too. Spirit is fluid. Some of my own personal practices go against the grain. I do sacred showers instead of baths for ritual cleansing. I use stones at the directions to correspond. I do candle magick daily and with simple candles and intentions.
Gemstones are a huge part of my practice and I ALWAYS have them nearby so that I can draw on their wisdom and energies to keep my stresses lower and my light brighter. Right now on my altar is Black Moonstone. Aqua Obsidian, Skeletal Quartz, Chlorite Phantom Quartz, Clear Quartz, Red Hematoid Quartz, Pink Lemurian Quartz. Tibetan Lemurian Quartz, Selenite, Kambaba Quartz and finally Opal Aura Amethyst. Each of these lend me their energies throughout the day for various purposes and healing. If I am feeling stressed…I just take a moment and grab the piece that calls to me and breathe with my eyes closed. It’s amazing.
If you are a fire person keep a jar candle in your sacred space and light that up every day. Jar candles such as Yankee, Ashland, and Village have amazing scents and the jars can be reused once they are finished with. Candles don’t have to be magically poured to work for intention. YOU set the intention and the purpose for it.
Now go out there and do your own wonderful, amazing and beautiful magick!
One of my favorite stones to work with right now is Black Moonstone. Black Moonstone is the stone of the dark moon. It is considered to be a powerful stone for shamanic work, shadow work, dark nights of the soul, new + dark moon magick. There is a lot of “oomph” in this stone and one that I am finding brings a lot to the table for Priestesses.
Within this sphere, I find the ability to work through the deeper inner mysteries that are the heart of spiritual evolution. In order to truly know yourself and evolve as a person and spiritually you must be willing to face your shadow and see what lies beneath the surface. Diving into the dark can be quite scary. The energies of black moonstone help you delve deeper with supporting gentle light.
Additionally this stone is ideal for perceiving what lies beyond the veil and during the dark times of the year as Samhain approaches this is a valued tool to the witch. In my own workings I am finding that I am able to feel the energies of others more acutely and intensely. I am able to work within my own darkness to bring balance and peace to my life.
It’s a stone I cannot recommend enough if you are willing to do the hard work of truly piercing your darkness and shadow, embracing it and bringing balance to your life.
To those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me. If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen. Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program. In April of this year I decided to do something for my health. I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most. A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it. A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body. Fast forward a bit. I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer. It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.
As of today I have lost about 92 lbs. I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period. Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.
Part of the reboot includes each of these things:
- Daily workout
- Meal prep to avoid eating out
- Isagenix shakes and vitamins
- Accountability group on Facebook
- Daily accountability with my coach.
It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me. I LOVE food. I love food that is bad for me. I love foods that are good for me. I love potato chips even more. So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food? I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced. I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.
The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts. By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement. The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.
Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl. In January I am going to do a 5K again. I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do. My goal is to do it in an hour or less. If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes. I am going to start training for it and mean it this time. I will finish the Color Vibe!
So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.
This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:
- I will blog three times a week
- Monday’s will be weekend musings
- Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
- Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
- Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
- I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
- Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.
Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up. There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful. I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.
I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month. There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks. I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.
All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends. I’m digging it.
Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce. Be yourself without apologies. Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional. Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.
Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y. I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day. Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals. Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals. I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time. While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight. I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.
One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there. On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup. On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup. I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step. That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.
The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world. Guess what though? No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there. You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you. It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.
So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit? You start with affirmations. Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful. Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing. Tell yourself everyday. Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself? They go away. Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful? Wear it. Nails? Paint them! Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations. Believe them and they will be.
I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.