Understanding balance is not possible…

Concept of balance and harmony. White rocks zen on the sea with a chakra balance watermark demonstrating energetic balance.

Concept of balance and harmony. White rocks zen on the sea with a chakra balance watermark demonstrating energetic balance.

When you think of balance, what do you think of?  Does your mind take you to balanced perched rocks?  Perhaps then a spiritual aura balance of chakra energy?  Enough time in the day to do all the things you are expected to do?  For most of us, we will identify with one of these concepts of balance.  There are of course many others but for this, let’s focus on the most common that we feel.  Personally, I experience all of these and many others!  When you ask many people, what it is they seek in their life improvement, they will tell you that they would like a better balance on x, y, z.  Let’s examine what balance is defined as.  In the most basic definition, for this post, balance can be defined as a state in which different things occur in equal or proper amounts or importance in one’s life.  Our equilibrium is at optimum and we are in a perfect state of homeostasis.  This is the dream many of us have had over our years on this beautiful spinning home, we call Earth.  As I continue to walk my path and evolve as a person, I begin to truly see things differently.  I see things not only more precisely as well as more softly.  What is this nonsense I have written?

OK, let me break it down a little bit from my perspective.  The goals in my life have always revolved some sort of balance in my life.  I want a better work, life balance.  I want a better work, life, spirit balance.  I want a better balance of ALL THE THINGS!  Now, I just look at all of that and roll my eyes.  Balance, by it’s very nature is precarious.  If you pull just the right rock from that pile in the picture above, the entire structure will collapse and the balance, undone.  If you have a precise amount of time planned in your day for travel time to and from work.  Let’s say, you do not allow any “wiggle room”.  You must leave and arrive at the appointed time only.  You are driving to work and someone gets in an accident and now you are sitting in traffic and going to be late.  You cannot apply one analogy to the other, they are completely different concepts of balance but can tie together if it is time that you seek to bring your balance of life, work, spirit.

Do you see where this is going?  If one little thing shifts, the structure *can* fall.  Your homeostasis is false in that you think you are balanced but what you are doing is avoiding new experiences and possibilities in rigidity and therefore your homeostasis will disappear and you will again struggle to regain that position.  A grain of sand can shift the wind, the wind cannot shift the cliffside so easily.  I do not know but in my head, this makes sense.  I am leaving out things from my life, I am not experiencing things in order to work ever harder on this balance that is always out of reach.  It is the goal of many of us, to rise to challenges and to do better than we did the day before.  In this we are always seeking that balance because it’s never quite right and we can do better.

Is this process a futile practice?  Definitely, not.  I know I just said that it’s not attainable and as a result, would it not be understood that to waste energy in such endeavors would be ridiculous.  Except, that’s not what I really said.  That last part, we all read that.  I read it and sometimes I type it and believe it.  In working to achieve these balances, to better ourselves, we are in essence finding a balance of possibilities and experiencing new things.  I still do not believe balance is possible, if we were perfectly balanced we would cease to truly learn and grow as we would not seek out new experiences.  Why seek out these things when we have attained balance?  Interesting and random thoughts rolling around in my head at 11pm at night when I should be in bed, with getting up for work early tomorrow.

Posted on 24 October '16 by , under Growth, Life, Spirituality. No Comments.

Time flies…when you are down.

Hi there folks!  I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence.  To say that life caught up with me?  Well that would be a gross understatement.  We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.

In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways.  My path has deepened.  My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection.  I am content again.  I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand.  I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.

I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value.  I do deserve happiness.  I deserve feeling and being beautiful.  What does this all mean?  Well I am doing new things.  I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start.  I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot.  Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me.  What do they know that I do not, about myself?  Pretty much nothing.

Who am I?  I am a witch.  I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy.  I am loved.  I love.  I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me.  These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down.  The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not.  Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself.  I lost a few friends along the way.  People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point.  Guess I was fooled.  That hurt a bit.  I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for  anyone other than myself and how I react to things.  I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to.  I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.

To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth.  It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person.  To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings.  I love each of you…my friends past and present.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life.  I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life. I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

Posted on 31 August '16 by , under Beauty, Community, Dark Night, FatGirl, Growth, Life, shadow quest, Spirituality. No Comments.

Wednesday Gemstone – Black Moonstone

My huge Black Moonstone Sphere.

My huge Black Moonstone Sphere.

One of my favorite stones to work with right now is Black Moonstone.  Black Moonstone is the stone of the dark moon.  It is considered to be a powerful stone for shamanic work, shadow work, dark nights of the soul, new + dark moon magick.  There is a lot of “oomph” in this stone and one that I am finding brings a lot to the table for Priestesses.

Within this sphere, I find the ability to work through the deeper inner mysteries that are the heart of spiritual evolution.   In order to truly know yourself and evolve as a person and spiritually you must be willing to face your shadow and see what lies beneath the surface.  Diving into the dark can be quite scary.  The energies of black moonstone help you delve deeper with supporting gentle light.

Additionally this stone is ideal for perceiving what lies beyond the veil and during the dark times of the year as Samhain approaches this is a valued tool to the witch. In my own workings I am finding that I am able to feel the energies of others more acutely and intensely.  I am able to work within my own darkness to bring balance and peace to my life.

It’s a stone I cannot recommend enough if you are willing to do the hard work of truly piercing your darkness and shadow, embracing it and bringing balance to your life.

Posted on 14 October '15 by , under Gemstones, New Moon, shadow quest. No Comments.

If, and, when…

Earth Elemental by D_emo

Earth Elemental by D_emo

This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time?  Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia.  It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process.  Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed.  It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not.  Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway.  I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds.  I am now at the 75lb mark.  I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year.  Now some will applaud this and say way to go!  Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic.  Really it is.  I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.

In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro.  I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there.  The jingle can be found on YouTube  The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial.  There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents.  He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best.  This went on for years.  Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade.  The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not.  Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.

I don't remember if this was an 89 or 90 dance but this is my best friend Joy and I.  Obviously I am thicker than she is but I'm not "Fat"  The dress I am wearing is loose and swinging.

I don’t remember if this was an 89 or 90 dance but this is my best friend Joy and I. Obviously I am thicker than she is but I’m not “Fat” The dress I am wearing is loose and swinging.

When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted.  People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really.  Now the barbs got more cruel.  Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me.  You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if…    All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing.  I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy.  So I thought.

The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is.  Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer.  At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”.  There was that quantifier again.  IF THEN.  I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.

To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better.  Now we are strong and now we stand tall.  To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids.  I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way.  That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.

So today I say #effyourbeautystandards

So today I say #effyourbeautystandards

In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs.  I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this.  Losing this weight has not made me happier.  Losing this weight has not made me prettier.  Losing this weight has made me healthier.  I am the same person inside that I was.  I am still pretty.  Yes, I am fat.  Yes, I am pretty.  These things are not dependent upon one another.  I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time.  Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer?  Fantastic Dance on sister!  I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away.  I may stop there or I may continue to lose.  I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.

Fuck other people’s beauty standards.  Fuck what other people think.  Do you like it? Do you love it?  That is the only opinion that matters.  ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.

Posted on 16 August '15 by , under Beauty, Eff Your Beauty Standards, FatGirl, Growth, Life, Looks. No Comments.

Going with the flow…

Shining light into the darkness and shadows...River at the campground at Big Sur.

Shining light into the darkness and shadows…River at the campground at Big Sur.

There are a number of things that affect our daily lives, while most of them we can honestly do nothing about.  There are things that we can control and they all surround your person.  You can control your energy, your attitude, your confidence and light.  The world around you can and will affect the things you can control.  Someone cuts you off in traffic, cuts in line, acts rudely and so on; these things will enter your sphere of joy and pop it like a bubble.  All of those things that happen to us are out of our control.  Where we go from the moment something “happens to us” is where our control steps in.

One of the things in my life is that I am fat.  I have been fat most of my life and it’s something I always have struggled with. During my struggles I have worked out to the extreme (swimming for an hour after an hour of cardio and/or weights).  I was “fit” but not thin to some degree.  I was thick.  Recently I decided, to stop striving for thin, to stop comparing myself to other women’s bodies.  I am my own, my body belongs to the spirit that is me.  I will never be thin and you know what?  GOOD!  I don’t need to be, to be awesome or beautiful.  All I need is health, love and happiness.

So now that I have made the decision to not try to be skinny, I define what health is for me.  Health for me is being able to walk without extreme knee pain or extreme back pain.  Health for me is being able to keep up with my pups, my family and my friends.  Health is a complete state of being where my body is as content as my spirit.

at Hann's Park under a Willow tree near the stream

at Hann’s Park under a Willow tree near the stream

The next question is how to get to that place.  For me it’s a matter of finding balance in how I eat, what I eat and exercise.  In general, I tend to dislike working out for the sake of working out so I do things like mopping, cleaning, walking the dogs to feel like I am “doing something”.  This is proving to not be enough so I am going to start a workout routine a little something everyday.

I am not going to get all crazy about it, I am going to go with the flow.  I need fluidity in my life and path.  There is movement that goes in both directions.  Not only in weight and health but in the spiritual as well.  It begins small with daily meditations which include a moment of healing and strength sent to the world fur use in whatever fashion it is needed.  It continues with kindness, smiling and yes teaching.  In the quiet moments, I am able to sit, listen to the birds outside and find that space inside that whispers, flow with me.

Sometimes the voice is so soft that I can barely hear it over the din of my own thoughts which demand my attention.  The act of stillness can be quite difficult to achieve sometimes but I keep trying to get there to go with the flow that life takes me…without compromising myself.  This is where my path comes in and shares it’s light from within so that I can flow as a tide.  Not every time will things go my way, hell even half the time they don’t!  Just don’t give up.  I live with depression everyday.  I struggle in life, as do many others.  Your path is your own and your journey your own.  Take a moment to affirm that it is yours and that comparison does more harm than any good.

You are unique.  Your path unique, your experiences, everything.  Lean towards friends for support, when you need to vent remind them that you are not looking for answers but just an outlet and to please simply listen and provide hugs and empathy to their plight.  When we go with the flow, we can flow together for the highest good of everyone.  Yes I am babbly today, I apologize for that.  A cohesive thought process was not meant to be for this.  I simply went with the flow of the thoughts and yes I feel more peaceful.  Write.  Sing.  Dance.  Be Alive.  You are beautiful and wonderful.

Posted on 14 July '15 by , under Life, meditation, Spirituality. No Comments.

Onward + Upward

This is  my path, my manifestation, by my will so mote it be.

This is my path, my manifestation, by my will so mote it be.

Yesterday, I shared a very intimate part of my life…my ongoing battle with depression.  The thing about depression is that we always think we are alone and we are the only ones that are suffering when this is actually far from the truth.

I look back on the years of self-seclusion and realize that I could have been getting better support all along if I had simply opened up.  That is not as easy as it sounds of course.  We are always our worst critics and sometimes even enemies when it comes to things like this especially.

As a result of this I am going to spend time to focus on this within my own spiritual community and try to meet the needs of said community to help us all grow together.  This of course will not be something that I can accomplish overnight as it will require a great deal of time, study and hard work, which I am not afraid of.

This just FEELS right to me and it circles back with what I wanted to do in high school in some ways.  Yes this is the way.

Posted on 25 February '15 by , under Dark Night, Growth, Life, Sacred Mists, Spirituality, Wicca. No Comments.

Beginning anew

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve sat down to write.  The thing is, I get started and do really well for a while then I just stop.  The full stop is not due to any one reason I just seem to stop for no reason and don’t pick it up again for a while.  I know writing is good for me and I know that it helps me stay balanced.  Today I begin anew my daily writing.  This time I am bringing a partner with me to help keep me accountable and I will help keep her accountable as well.  Wynter is a cool chic, check out her Witches Diary Wynterwonders.  Part of our accountability is that we write within an hour of getting up.  I am a little bit more than that so that might have to be adjusted for  weekday mornings when I take Keith to the ferry for work.

To work on getting back into the writing habit I thought I’d pull a card from my two go to decks currently, The Conscious Spirit Oracle and The Chrysalis Tarot.  The oracle deck provides me some visually stunning imagery combined with elemental, chakra energies AND an affirmation.  The Chrysalis Tarot is just absolutely stunning and I connected to it much easier than I anticipated from the pictures I was initially hesitant but WOW love the deck.

Chrysalis + Conscious Spirit Reading as I begin writing anew! October 23, 2014

Chrysalis + Conscious Spirit Reading as I begin writing anew! October 23, 2014

My reading today is pretty interesting.  I wanted to do a reading that sets my day up and what kinds of energies I can expect to be key in my day.

My Conscious Spirit card today is Crystal Ascension with affirmation “I am attuned to the universal wisdom and energy of the crystal kingdom.”  Rather awesome for me since I work with crystals, gemstones + minerals everyday.  Often the energies of stones will guide me in the day to keep me even and balanced.  So very nice to see that for my affirmation today.  It will be a spirit filled day for sure!

My Chrysalis Card today is The Lovers.  Visually this card is just vibrant and filled with such amazing depth.  In it you see the lovers gazing into one another’s eyes with such deep feeling.  Behind them appears a tree, possibly the Tree of Life in the way it is depicted with the sun on one side the crescent moon on the other.  In front of the lovers are a pair of white doves for peace and unity, a horned stag, a horse, an owl, a rabbit, a sheep, an orange tabby cat and the wise old magician.  There is a lot going on here with the animals and their energies combining gives me the amazing sense of intuitive unity between spirit and life.  There is some knowledge at hand that will lift my spirit and personal evolution.  It brings with it the desire to bite into the forbidden fruit, furthering knowledge, wisdom and my path.

The day ahead of me promises to be one filled with some bumps as knowledge and wisdom comes at a price; however, I have the energies of the animals to lean upon and help me through it.  Not a bad start to getting the writing going again and I see this lasting long.

Posted on 23 October '14 by , under Affirmations, Growth, Spirituality, Tarot, Wicca. No Comments.

Working with Chrysalis + Conscious Spirit ~ Celtic Owl + Maiden

Chrysalis Tarot + Conscious Spirit Reading for 8/14/14

Chrysalis Tarot + Conscious Spirit Reading for 8/14/14

Continuing on through my days and working on writing more I have a new oracle deck that I am using as an affirmations/daily lesson deck that will go along with my new tarot deck.

This morning I sat down and carved my last Eye of Newt candle (bright orange with sage, sandalwood and peppermint, sad that it’s been discontinued by the chandler) for peace, strength, joy/love and connection to my coven + circle at Sacred Mists, projecting that blessing into that.  You can see a little of the candle in the picture but it’s a 3×6 and just lit so it’ll be a while before the flame is visible in the pictures. Once I lit my candle I looked at my cards for today, unsurprisingly they make sense for me today.

Working with Chrysalis: Celtic Owl – The Hanged Man

What a fascinating card they have made the hanged man into.  Dominating the Card is a beautiful owl with his wings draped across a celtic knot on one side and you can see him gripping it on the other.  Situated upon his brow is another celtic knot that is reminiscent to me of a heart with a spider woman in the center of it.  The hanged man is that of rebirth and to open your mind to new ways of thinking.  The celtic knot is a reminder to see and be mindful of the intricacies of life and it’s interconnected nature.  In the heart knot, I see the spider, the weaver and connector of the webs of life.  In the position and the look of the web this shows me that I must connect the webs of heart and spirit to accomplish my goals and to do so with the patience of Spider awaiting their prey to the web.

There are a great many things that I wish to accomplish so this card shows me that with dedication and the determination of heart I can achieve this.  I must not rely solely on myself to achieve my dreams but allow others to offer their assistance in building my web and dreams.

Working with Conscious Spirit: Forest Frolic – Maiden

This new oracle deck is absolutely stunning in the vibrancy of color and imagery.  A beautiful dryad stands upon a mushroom with her arms stretched. She has taken the form of a winged fairy so that she might play with the butterflies above.  You see joy on her face as a squirrel (!) watches on with a keen bit of interest in her play.  The affirmation here is “I acknowledge my inner child and open my heart to the joy she brings”.  Again I find a card that is very appropriate for the position in my life right now.  Too often we do not stop to relieve ourselves of our burdens and chores to simply play as we did when we were children.  Now is the time for some fun and joy.  It’s a time to return to childhood and enjoy what you did then no matter what it is.  Did you enjoy art, dance, playing in the rain, trees, ocean?  Get out there and do it!  Sing and dance to your hearts content today to relieve your sorrows.

Life, as of late has been filled with things I must do and if we are at all honest with ourselves this is not what we want to do but in order to get things done we must.  Today, I will play.  Today, I will sing.  Today, I will be young!

Posted on 14 August '14 by , under Growth, Life, Spirituality, Tarot. No Comments.

The Hermit ~ Insight

Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law ~ The Hermit

Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law ~ The Hermit

July 2, 2014 Shadowscapes Insight
The Hermit

This is another stunning card that elicits from me many emotions and interpretations.  The hermit is a seeker that has turned his back on the noise of “life” and the city to seek solace within.  The hermit ventures into the darkness, carrying a lantern that will help find the way.

Continuing on this journey, The Hermit shows the value of solitude and introspection.  In working with the self and the shadow personal + spiritual evolution can truly begin.  This inward journey is often filled with pitfalls and painful emotions.  It is in the dark that we realize the lantern we carry, is lit from the light of our spirit and the stars. This illumination from within will never lead me down the “wrong” path and I will always find my way home.

Adding to this is the loon, who are respected and seen sacred, often finding feathers in Native headdresses.  They represent the culminated knowledge of sky, sea and forest and can access ancient wisdom with their haunting cries as they fly over the Earth.

I see many things in this reading today and acknowledge that it is through the darkness that my spirit has learned it’s way to whatever will come my way next in this path and I will be able to access the tools needed to continue my own personal + spiritual evolution.  With this work I freely share the knowledge + inspiration granted to me through the many roles in my life as wife, friend, teacher, student + crafter.  I am on the correct path for me, most definitely!

Posted on 2 July '14 by , under Growth, Life, Spirituality, Tarot. No Comments.

Shadowscapes Insight ~ June 30

Shadowscapes Tarot - The High Priestess by Stephani Pui-Mun Law

Shadowscapes Tarot – The High Priestess by Stephani Pui-Mun Law

Shadowscapes Insight ~ June 30
The High Priestess

The High Priestess opens herself to the sky.  She basks in the radiance of the stars.

The keywords invoked in this card are wisdom, learning, knowledge, intuition, purity + virtue.

The High Priestess holds the seeds to life, light and darkness.  In her hand rests a pomegranate, her hair flares like the sun.  Her scarf reveals her connection to the moon.

She carries the keys to the universe within and is guided by the wisdom of the owl.  She is the embodiment of the Goddess + the balance of life.

This is an amazingly beautiful card filled with so much imagery it would take me hours to sift through all of it.  In the message of this card I see the path laid before me.  I will be mindful of my journey + temper myself with compassion with all my dealings and interactions today.  It is Monday so that is manic enough but combine that with end of month and it is a recipe for a seemingly neverending amount of work to be done.

It is with perfect love + perfect trust I move today.  I will achieve balance and allow my spirit to radiate to all whom I encounter.

Posted on 30 June '14 by , under Spirituality, Tarot. 2 Comments.