Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
For sometime now, I have been actively working on my “issues” that have been recurring situations in my life. Things like never feeling like I am enough, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not this or that. As a way to combat this type of behavior in myself I am starting a jar that I will put those bottled up harmful self-speak emotions in. Once a month I am going to burn those papers until the jar has fewer and fewer instances then none at all. I am feeling that I am truly on the right path for healing.
One of the things that I do is work with my gemstones and grids frequently. This is an amazing bit of healing as they lend their energies to me so that I can work things out in a real manner and not just buried or bottled up. I have a lovely grid in the bedroom that has a red lemurian star with amethyst points and some blue chalcedony. The focus of this grid is peaceful rest with dream recall. Amethyst provides a healing, peaceful energies, while the blue chalcedony adds calming + balancing energies to bring me to center. The lemurian seed crystals used to create the star are there for divine connection, and have been programmed to instill restful sleep. With the energies combining on this grid you get an amazing bit of energy for true soul healing while connected to the divine all while sleeping.
In my workspace, I reset my grid every two weeks (at the new moon and full moon). As a result I have reset this grid today. I’ve used smokey lemurian seed crystals, red lemurian seed crystals, zoisite with ruby, bronzite, iolite-sunstone, angelite, carnelian heart, blue onyx. The grid is then surrounded with more lemurian seed crystals in red and smokey, a candle quartz and a red hematoid quartz. Zoisite with Ruby can help you with growth, healing, alleviates grief, anger and hopelessness. It’s a powerful healer to the emotional body. Bronzite can dispel negative energies, help harness self-esteem and raise it, inspires courtesy while alleviating indecision and doubt. Iolite-Sunstone helps enhancing intuitive abilities giving a sense of determination for manifestation and creation. It’s wonderful for confidence and self-assurance. Angelite helps us communicate in a clear and concise way. It’s very soothing to allow peace and
benevolence of spirit + heart. Onyx promotes vigor and stamina, as well as self-confidence, self-control and stimulates the power to make wise decisions. Blue onyx helps with our spiritual strength to get through the rigors of difficult situations. My activation stone here is a carnelian heart, once in place the whole grid becomes entwined energetically. Alone, the carnelian is in place for manifestation of highest goals and dreams. It helps overcome the fear of success and embracing of change. The energies here mix for strength, confidence, peace and healing with grounding and negativity cleansing. This grid provides me the energy to continue to work with myself and with great peace at work. I am enabled to be positive and joyful in my actions, I am confident in my abilities, I remain balanced and grounded.
In each of my grids, I feel the energy filling me up and truly helping me focus on the healing process from years of self-talk that was not healthy and to find the true me below all the masks I wear.
Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing. YAY! With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.
For the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus. I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer. That’s to say really poorly. With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last. The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was. Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.
As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉 True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further. It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years. Yes, things are changing. I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement. Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light. My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.
So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.
This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:
- I will blog three times a week
- Monday’s will be weekend musings
- Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
- Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
- Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
- I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
- Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.
Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up. There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful. I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.
I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month. There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks. I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.
All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends. I’m digging it.
Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce. Be yourself without apologies. Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional. Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.
Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y. I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day. Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals. Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals. I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time. While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight. I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.
One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there. On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup. On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup. I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step. That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.
The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world. Guess what though? No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there. You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you. It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.
So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit? You start with affirmations. Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful. Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing. Tell yourself everyday. Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself? They go away. Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful? Wear it. Nails? Paint them! Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations. Believe them and they will be.
I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉
There are a number of things that affect our daily lives, while most of them we can honestly do nothing about. There are things that we can control and they all surround your person. You can control your energy, your attitude, your confidence and light. The world around you can and will affect the things you can control. Someone cuts you off in traffic, cuts in line, acts rudely and so on; these things will enter your sphere of joy and pop it like a bubble. All of those things that happen to us are out of our control. Where we go from the moment something “happens to us” is where our control steps in.
One of the things in my life is that I am fat. I have been fat most of my life and it’s something I always have struggled with. During my struggles I have worked out to the extreme (swimming for an hour after an hour of cardio and/or weights). I was “fit” but not thin to some degree. I was thick. Recently I decided, to stop striving for thin, to stop comparing myself to other women’s bodies. I am my own, my body belongs to the spirit that is me. I will never be thin and you know what? GOOD! I don’t need to be, to be awesome or beautiful. All I need is health, love and happiness.
So now that I have made the decision to not try to be skinny, I define what health is for me. Health for me is being able to walk without extreme knee pain or extreme back pain. Health for me is being able to keep up with my pups, my family and my friends. Health is a complete state of being where my body is as content as my spirit.
The next question is how to get to that place. For me it’s a matter of finding balance in how I eat, what I eat and exercise. In general, I tend to dislike working out for the sake of working out so I do things like mopping, cleaning, walking the dogs to feel like I am “doing something”. This is proving to not be enough so I am going to start a workout routine a little something everyday.
I am not going to get all crazy about it, I am going to go with the flow. I need fluidity in my life and path. There is movement that goes in both directions. Not only in weight and health but in the spiritual as well. It begins small with daily meditations which include a moment of healing and strength sent to the world fur use in whatever fashion it is needed. It continues with kindness, smiling and yes teaching. In the quiet moments, I am able to sit, listen to the birds outside and find that space inside that whispers, flow with me.
Sometimes the voice is so soft that I can barely hear it over the din of my own thoughts which demand my attention. The act of stillness can be quite difficult to achieve sometimes but I keep trying to get there to go with the flow that life takes me…without compromising myself. This is where my path comes in and shares it’s light from within so that I can flow as a tide. Not every time will things go my way, hell even half the time they don’t! Just don’t give up. I live with depression everyday. I struggle in life, as do many others. Your path is your own and your journey your own. Take a moment to affirm that it is yours and that comparison does more harm than any good.
You are unique. Your path unique, your experiences, everything. Lean towards friends for support, when you need to vent remind them that you are not looking for answers but just an outlet and to please simply listen and provide hugs and empathy to their plight. When we go with the flow, we can flow together for the highest good of everyone. Yes I am babbly today, I apologize for that. A cohesive thought process was not meant to be for this. I simply went with the flow of the thoughts and yes I feel more peaceful. Write. Sing. Dance. Be Alive. You are beautiful and wonderful.
There is something to be said for having an accountability partner in writing. It is keeping me “honest” with writing everyday and working out subjects together can be quite awesome. 🙂 Do you want to see her writings too? Be sure to visit her on her Witches Diary. If you like, we’d love to have you join us! Want a witches diary as well? Just contact me and I will set it up for you!
Today brings us to the “end” of the elemental workings as we focus on that of spirit. What is spirit? Spirit is the light and life that brings everything together. Where does it come from? What can it teach us? Spirit is everything and nothing. The breath of the universe and the spark of divinity that is in everything around us. It is the alchemy that binds us, moves us, transforms us. This brings us unity and magick and to the core of divinity.
Close your eyes and see yourself sitting silently and alone in the center of a room with nothing in it. You see the walls and the floor are completely devoid of any adornments and trappings. It’s simply you and the empty space of the room. Slowly you begin to realize that you are not in an entirely empty room, there is light twinkling in and out of spaces. You continue breathing gently and purposefully and notice that the twinkling of light is increasing as you breath until you are encircled by twinkling lights. Know you are safe in this circle of light it cannot harm you. With this knowledge you realize you are being surrounded by the element of spirit, the light of that and the universe protect you.
Continue breathing deeply and with each breath, you breathe in the element of spirit. The light of spirit begins to fill your entire body filling you with an amazing warmth and weightlessness, count how many breaths it takes until you are completely filled with the element of spirit. What does it feel like to be filled with spirit? Where does the spirit not move cleanly through you Where does it become broken, where does it not exist or move too quickly? See these areas and what they correspond to. Mentally and emotionally allow the element to help repair the damage and the element will exist evenly and throughout.
Once spirit is flowing and pulsing fully within you, you are ready to project it back out of your being, thankful for the blessing of balance it has given you.
Continue breathing evenly. With each breath you project a bead of spirit. You will project the same number of beads of the element that you breathed in. With each exhalation of the element you remain balanced within this element.
Today marks the final day in the elemental work we’ve been doing and I must say that I feel much more balanced than I did when I started this little project out. Today I feel light hearted, free and filled with joy. There is a lot to do (like any day) but even the crankiest thing will not affect me. This process will be one that I do monthly going forward and perhaps more than one element a day not sure but it will be ongoing. I definitely feel different.
Have you been following along? Have you been joining me in these exercises? How do you feel?
It seems at times that perhaps I will be able to catch my breath and recover a little bit from the continual reeling and beating that life is offering me. Every time I feel a little bit of relief, I seemingly get kicked again. This has been an on-going struggle now for many months and one that is cyclical in my path. For each step I take backwards I will take two steps forward. The path and journey I have chosen for this lifetime is not one that is easy but of immense value to me.
Many of the things I have said and done over the years, sound the same or similar and at the very essence of them, they are similar. The thing is, I am always growing and evolving and working on being “better”. This is a journey that has no destination. When I am dead, this journey will be over but not until then. With each “thing” there is a growth period. This period can manifest in the way of a Dark Night of the Soul or in the way of something truly celebratory.
Lately I have been working on a great many things including emerging from the depression that has plagued me for sometime now. Please do not misunderstand, my depression is situational, I had a series of events crop up back to back to back that really just tore me down emotionally and left me raw. When I am feeling raw, I tend to stay in and lick my wounds. As the healing process progresses, I become more and more like “myself” leading towards a happy me. It’s just something that must be done and experienced for personal and spiritual growth.
Some of my greatest joys in life are spending time with family, my animals, friends and even occasionally not doing anything at all aside from reading. I am not a true extrovert nor am I a complete introvert. I sort of straddle the fence between the two in any given situation.
What does all this have to do with anything? Well, to put it bluntly it’s how I live life. I vacilitate from one color to the next and experience the full gamut that life has to offer. Every breath I take, is a blessing. Every pain, also a blessing. Behind each action is something that I am striving to achieve, something I need to feel or be a part of.
This extends to every facet of my life. My job is a blessing. Where else will I get to work and train students from around the world in a spiritual pathway that I absolutely adore? I contribute to the community that helped me grow to be the Priestess I am today, which will be a whole other post in of itself when I get the words right. My home life is peaceful and in general not something overly complicated. I consider myself blessed to love and be loved in return.
Where does that leave me? Continuing on this quest for evolution of my own spirit and person. I will always be growing, learning and working on being healthy. Life is not stagnant so I will not treat it as such. I guess this is just me having a day to babble. May you be blessed and be loved in all you are and all you do.
7/3/2014 Shadowscapes Daily Insight
Ace of Wands
A truly vibrant + beautiful card! Three foxes of apparent varied age surround a tall wand that has been planted in the earth. Behind them the sun burns brightly and illuminates the crystal of the wand. On the ground, surrounding them are fallen leaves and among the leaves and rocks are sylphs + faery. These beautiful beings are hidden by normal daylight but in this illuminated world they are seen and watch on while enjoying the radiance of creation. The eldest appearing fox bears the mark of the sacred spiral.
In this card, I see the Triple Goddess calling me out from the shadows of introspection and personal work. I feel the warmth + vibrancy of life, creativity and manifestation.
This card is a beacon of light, calling forth a challenge to step forward with confidence and self-awareness. Foxes are beings (guardians) of fire, intellect + wit. With their sleek + fast bodies they charge forward blazing a trail behind them. They are calling for creativity, excitement + adventure. The message is clear, “Let the fire catch + blaze forward with creative and adventuring spirit!”