Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing. YAY! With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.
For the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus. I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer. That’s to say really poorly. With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last. The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was. Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.
As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉 True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further. It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years. Yes, things are changing. I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement. Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light. My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.
To those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me. If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen. Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program. In April of this year I decided to do something for my health. I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most. A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it. A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body. Fast forward a bit. I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer. It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.
As of today I have lost about 92 lbs. I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period. Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.
Part of the reboot includes each of these things:
- Daily workout
- Meal prep to avoid eating out
- Isagenix shakes and vitamins
- Accountability group on Facebook
- Daily accountability with my coach.
It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me. I LOVE food. I love food that is bad for me. I love foods that are good for me. I love potato chips even more. So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food? I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced. I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.
The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts. By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement. The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.
Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl. In January I am going to do a 5K again. I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do. My goal is to do it in an hour or less. If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes. I am going to start training for it and mean it this time. I will finish the Color Vibe!
Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce. Be yourself without apologies. Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional. Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.
Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y. I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day. Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals. Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals. I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time. While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight. I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.
One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there. On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup. On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup. I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step. That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.
The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world. Guess what though? No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there. You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you. It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.
So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit? You start with affirmations. Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful. Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing. Tell yourself everyday. Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself? They go away. Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful? Wear it. Nails? Paint them! Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations. Believe them and they will be.
I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.
There are a number of things that affect our daily lives, while most of them we can honestly do nothing about. There are things that we can control and they all surround your person. You can control your energy, your attitude, your confidence and light. The world around you can and will affect the things you can control. Someone cuts you off in traffic, cuts in line, acts rudely and so on; these things will enter your sphere of joy and pop it like a bubble. All of those things that happen to us are out of our control. Where we go from the moment something “happens to us” is where our control steps in.
One of the things in my life is that I am fat. I have been fat most of my life and it’s something I always have struggled with. During my struggles I have worked out to the extreme (swimming for an hour after an hour of cardio and/or weights). I was “fit” but not thin to some degree. I was thick. Recently I decided, to stop striving for thin, to stop comparing myself to other women’s bodies. I am my own, my body belongs to the spirit that is me. I will never be thin and you know what? GOOD! I don’t need to be, to be awesome or beautiful. All I need is health, love and happiness.
So now that I have made the decision to not try to be skinny, I define what health is for me. Health for me is being able to walk without extreme knee pain or extreme back pain. Health for me is being able to keep up with my pups, my family and my friends. Health is a complete state of being where my body is as content as my spirit.
The next question is how to get to that place. For me it’s a matter of finding balance in how I eat, what I eat and exercise. In general, I tend to dislike working out for the sake of working out so I do things like mopping, cleaning, walking the dogs to feel like I am “doing something”. This is proving to not be enough so I am going to start a workout routine a little something everyday.
I am not going to get all crazy about it, I am going to go with the flow. I need fluidity in my life and path. There is movement that goes in both directions. Not only in weight and health but in the spiritual as well. It begins small with daily meditations which include a moment of healing and strength sent to the world fur use in whatever fashion it is needed. It continues with kindness, smiling and yes teaching. In the quiet moments, I am able to sit, listen to the birds outside and find that space inside that whispers, flow with me.
Sometimes the voice is so soft that I can barely hear it over the din of my own thoughts which demand my attention. The act of stillness can be quite difficult to achieve sometimes but I keep trying to get there to go with the flow that life takes me…without compromising myself. This is where my path comes in and shares it’s light from within so that I can flow as a tide. Not every time will things go my way, hell even half the time they don’t! Just don’t give up. I live with depression everyday. I struggle in life, as do many others. Your path is your own and your journey your own. Take a moment to affirm that it is yours and that comparison does more harm than any good.
You are unique. Your path unique, your experiences, everything. Lean towards friends for support, when you need to vent remind them that you are not looking for answers but just an outlet and to please simply listen and provide hugs and empathy to their plight. When we go with the flow, we can flow together for the highest good of everyone. Yes I am babbly today, I apologize for that. A cohesive thought process was not meant to be for this. I simply went with the flow of the thoughts and yes I feel more peaceful. Write. Sing. Dance. Be Alive. You are beautiful and wonderful.
Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.
For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?
Full Definition of BEAUTY
1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness
2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman
3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality
4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>
If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.
I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.
How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.
What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!
This is a scary thing for me to admit and it’s something not many people know but here it is.
I have had depression for most of my life, dating back to high school. Then it was considered hormones as I grew into my adult life, then it was considered “all in my head” where no one wanted to treat me. I eventually broke down several years ago and made my doctor listen, his response was “I don’t think you have depression and it’s all in your head. Here are some mild anti-depressants take them as long as you want or not at all and stop whenever you want”, never once did he ask me about it again. They did not help…they turned me into a zombie with zero emotions going through life with no joy or anything at all. I stopped taking them.
At some point I have tried many different herbal remedies and ultimately had some successes for brief periods with them. They never lasted long. For years I struggled and became a shell of myself though I am easily able to hide it by turning myself “on” when I am out in the world. Only an empath might be able to tell the difference. I was very good at hiding except when I was at home. Many years passed and thoughts became darker and darker until I decided that if I did not do something about it, those dark thoughts would win eventually. I searched for a new doctor, it would be my first attempt since we moved to California. I was a wreck right up to the appointment with panic attacks and fear of a repeat performance of the last time I tried (which now was about ten years). I sat in the examination room and when the doctor walked in, I felt a sigh of relief within my spirit. Something told me THIS doctor would listen. I spoke to her about many of the things I was experiencing. She listened to my horror stories of past doctors. Ultimately, she diagnosed severe depression with social anxiety. Thank the Gods! Someone finally listened and I can get some help. We worked on a treatment plan and since that day in December I have been back in the office several times for evaluations. By taking a chance I saved my life with her help.
Now a lot of people have always said those that are on medications that alter their chemical composition should not practice witchcraft. I have never understood this. Having depression and getting treated does not mean you are incapable of connecting with deity and spirit. I have found quite the opposite. I have worked with deity to help me through the worst spots and even now when I have a bad day, and yes I do still have them but they are much better, I turn to spirit to help me through it. My mental processes are much more clear and positive than they have been in years. I truly feel other emotions now than just sadness, anger and depression, the others are returning to me and I have found as my chemical balance is restored that I can connect much better to spirit, to deity and to other people through my gift of empathy.
Am I alright? Not yet but I can see a light in the tunnel at long last and the feels are real. Working with spirit helped save my life before it got too bad, working with my doctor saved my life when it was too bad for me to make it on my own any more. I feel no shame in having done these things, though I am aware that people will look at me differently now that the “truth” is out there. It is but once facet of who I am.
I am a living, breathing, healing witch. I walk my path everyday and with every breath I feel better, with every interaction I smile and with every smile, hug and laugh…I know I am on the right road.
It’s been several days since I’ve written and I can feel that. I try to write everyday but sometimes it’s just hard. Life gets in the way of writing and when that happens I have to remember to be gentle with myself about it. I’ve been sick for the last 4 or 5 days. It’s a head cold so nothing that a doctor can do anything about, it just needs to run it’s course and be gone. I’ve tried to be kind to myself while I need the extra rest and not overdo it. It’s hard, when you are used to GOING on weekends and getting stuff done to realize that the nap in the middle of the day is absolutely necessary. Being in bed by 8 also necessary. I just could not stay awake even when I was taking dayquil so I tried to not fight it.
This morning dawned early, as with all weekdays. We get up at 5:30 and get the day started so that by 6:30 we can leave the house to take my husband to the ferry so he can be to work by 8:30 at the latest. It’s a long day but one that is routine for us. By 9am I start work (at the latest) and then go through everything that needs to be done. At 5pm I am done and start working on dinner and feeding the fur-kids and any chores left undone from the morning. Leave to pick up K by 5:55 then we are home by 6:30p and then it’s dinner for us and winding down from the day.
This is a glance at the daily routine for us. Let’s throw in being sick and then you can see a thick layer of fog descending into place. It’s hard to see through. You become unsteady and need extra breaks from the simplest things. Slowly the fog lifts and you regain health. I am able to start seeing through the fog of this head cold finally so there is progress on it. My goals for today are simple. Don’t nap. Get as much work done as possible and do so with a smile.
It seems that it’s been a while since I was able to smile all day long and more than anything I would love to find that happy place again. Hopeful that it is on the other side of this fog I move on. No more anger and “flying off the handle” over silly things. Finding balance is going to be key. Fall is finally here so perhaps that will help me get there. Slowly I move through the fog and look for the sunshine that is hidden somewhere within.
Sometimes you just get the crap in life that sticks in your head and throat. I’m talking about getting a head cold of course. Yesterday, I did not write. I was not well and writing a spiritual post when I was feeling so horribly was simply not in the cards for me. Today I feel no better but need to at least try to write something.
I try to lead a spirit driven life. In my life I prefer to make informed decisions that do not go against what my heart says. Sometimes this is not going to happen and I accept that. Right now I am sitting in bed with my laptop. I have been off and on working and laying down all morning. It’s now noon. I’ve had a bowl of fabulous homemade chicken noodle soup, taken some more medication for symptom relief and waiting. I am moving through emails at a snails pace. I need to get a few things done. I will it will just take me longer.
Sometimes your body tells you to SLOW DOWN. You are doing too much. You are not taking care of yourself the way you need to. So, I slow down. I breathe as well as my sinus’ allow me to and I close my eyes frequently. Sometimes I drift off to sleep and other times I drift away in a meditative like state. All of these are seemingly necessary. My goal today is to be like smoke. Smoke flows and moves through roaring flames, through cracks and crevices finding a way to move and simply be. It is a visible reminder that in order to live at some point you have to clear that which no longer serves you. Right now, being busy and harried no longer serves me. I rest. I recuperate. I am smoke.