Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.
This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:
- I will blog three times a week
- Monday’s will be weekend musings
- Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
- Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
- Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
- I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
- Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.
Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up. There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful. I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.
I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month. There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks. I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.
All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends. I’m digging it.
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.
There are a number of things that affect our daily lives, while most of them we can honestly do nothing about. There are things that we can control and they all surround your person. You can control your energy, your attitude, your confidence and light. The world around you can and will affect the things you can control. Someone cuts you off in traffic, cuts in line, acts rudely and so on; these things will enter your sphere of joy and pop it like a bubble. All of those things that happen to us are out of our control. Where we go from the moment something “happens to us” is where our control steps in.
One of the things in my life is that I am fat. I have been fat most of my life and it’s something I always have struggled with. During my struggles I have worked out to the extreme (swimming for an hour after an hour of cardio and/or weights). I was “fit” but not thin to some degree. I was thick. Recently I decided, to stop striving for thin, to stop comparing myself to other women’s bodies. I am my own, my body belongs to the spirit that is me. I will never be thin and you know what? GOOD! I don’t need to be, to be awesome or beautiful. All I need is health, love and happiness.
So now that I have made the decision to not try to be skinny, I define what health is for me. Health for me is being able to walk without extreme knee pain or extreme back pain. Health for me is being able to keep up with my pups, my family and my friends. Health is a complete state of being where my body is as content as my spirit.
The next question is how to get to that place. For me it’s a matter of finding balance in how I eat, what I eat and exercise. In general, I tend to dislike working out for the sake of working out so I do things like mopping, cleaning, walking the dogs to feel like I am “doing something”. This is proving to not be enough so I am going to start a workout routine a little something everyday.
I am not going to get all crazy about it, I am going to go with the flow. I need fluidity in my life and path. There is movement that goes in both directions. Not only in weight and health but in the spiritual as well. It begins small with daily meditations which include a moment of healing and strength sent to the world fur use in whatever fashion it is needed. It continues with kindness, smiling and yes teaching. In the quiet moments, I am able to sit, listen to the birds outside and find that space inside that whispers, flow with me.
Sometimes the voice is so soft that I can barely hear it over the din of my own thoughts which demand my attention. The act of stillness can be quite difficult to achieve sometimes but I keep trying to get there to go with the flow that life takes me…without compromising myself. This is where my path comes in and shares it’s light from within so that I can flow as a tide. Not every time will things go my way, hell even half the time they don’t! Just don’t give up. I live with depression everyday. I struggle in life, as do many others. Your path is your own and your journey your own. Take a moment to affirm that it is yours and that comparison does more harm than any good.
You are unique. Your path unique, your experiences, everything. Lean towards friends for support, when you need to vent remind them that you are not looking for answers but just an outlet and to please simply listen and provide hugs and empathy to their plight. When we go with the flow, we can flow together for the highest good of everyone. Yes I am babbly today, I apologize for that. A cohesive thought process was not meant to be for this. I simply went with the flow of the thoughts and yes I feel more peaceful. Write. Sing. Dance. Be Alive. You are beautiful and wonderful.
Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.
For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?
Full Definition of BEAUTY
1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness
2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman
3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality
4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>
If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.
I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.
How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.
What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!
There is something to be said for having an accountability partner in writing. It is keeping me “honest” with writing everyday and working out subjects together can be quite awesome. 🙂 Do you want to see her writings too? Be sure to visit her on her Witches Diary. If you like, we’d love to have you join us! Want a witches diary as well? Just contact me and I will set it up for you!
For the next several days we are going to be talking about the elements. I’ve decided to start with air, as I would in calling a circle.
During my studies with Sacred Mists, in the first degree, we did a series of exercises called “Elemental Absorption”. The goal of these exercises was that through meditation we completely absorb what it is to be “one with an element”. This does several things, it helps us, as witches, become more balanced within the elements themselves and to find areas of imbalance or “weakness” and work within that particular element to find balance.
Today I focus on Air, I know that this is an element that I am strong in. The wind is my breath, the breeze my heartbeat. To get the ball rolling I will first share the modified Absorption exercise. Modified? Yes, I took the original exercises and modified them slightly to work a little better for me. This is that modified version.
Close your eyes. See yourself sitting calmly. Nothing exists but you. Feel the weight of the air around you. See how the air moves with each breath you take. Breathe deeply, the air does not become diluted, but appears to be swirling gently around you. It is creating a circle of air around you. Know that you are safe in this circle of air. The Air cannot harm you, but is protecting you. Nothing exists but you and the circle of swirling air which has surrounded you.
Continue breathing deeply, with each breath you are being filled with the Element, you are breathing in the element itself. Slowly the Element begins filling your being. Count each breath in, Keep this count, see this as a bead, how many breaths does it take for Element to fill your being? Remember this number. The characteristics of Element have filled your being. Where does the Element not swirl evenly? Where does it become broken, where does it not exist or swirl too quickly? See these areas and what they correspond to. Mentally and emotionally allow the Element to help repair the damage and the Element will exist evenly and throughout.
Once your Element is swirling evenly and steadily, you are ready to project that element back out of your being.
Continue breathing evenly. With each breath you project a bead of Air. You will project the same number of beads of the element that you breathed in. With each exhalation of the element you remain balanced with this Element. Count again the number of beads, you must exhale exactly the same number of times you inhaled.
The modifications I made to this exercise help me find the exact spots within my body that are, essentially, deficient in the element of air. This exercise does not take very long generally and it’s one that I try to remember to do at least once a month. Granted, lately it has been longer in between doing them and I can certainly tell that is the case. When I did this today I found a great many places that the air did not move freely through my body. Most prominently was within my “root chakra” area that area that controls safety and security as well as my “sacral chakra” which when imbalanced can lead to feelings of insecurity and helplessness. Yes, this makes sense to me. So I spent a few minutes focusing on the air in those areas and freed up some of the movement. I should do this exercise at least once a week for the time being.
In addition to this exercise I did pull my Conscious Spirit Oracle Card and a card from the Chrysalis Tarot. Today’s reading is representative entirely of where I am in my life and day and makes sense. My Oracle Card is “Balance” with affirmation “I understand and embrace the opposing forces in life that bring about balance” This absolutely makes sense to me as I work to regain balance in my life from being knocked about and over consistently. My Tarot card is the Ten of Scrolls which depicts a regal tiger surrounded by the scrolls. This is about restriction and finding oneself surrounded by the trials of life. The strength and will of the tiger will aid in getting through these issues.
I had wanted to start my re-entry into blogging with something positive and uplifting. I am not sure this qualifies but it is relevant and what is happening right now.
Last weekend I went to Mare Island to participate in The Color Vibe 5K. This is the second time I have done this particular 5K though it was in a different location this year. The group I was to be walking with dwindled from 6 to 3 as folks dropped out for one reason or another. I was mentally prepared for this. Physically I would have been fine if not for the Sciatic attack the day previous that was still bugging me that morning. I hoped with lots of stretching I would be ok. It was not to be the case. At approximately the 2nd of the 3.1 miles of the walk/run I had to stop. I had been compensating to relieve pressure from my right side to my left and my knee had enough of that. I was, to say the least, disappointed.
I felt defeated and like I had failed. I have been carrying this around since Saturday and today is Thursday. At no point have I stopped walking in the time since. Yes I have been kind to my body so that I could recover but I have continued forcing myself up and about to get through the physical pains and strains. I have not; however, always been kind to myself emotionally in the last week. I have decided that under no circumstances can this defeating self-talk continue.
It started with the words from Jennifer that were to me to be kind to myself and to walk that talk. Change the negative to positive. It continued with Lorien saying “fuck em” to anyone who decided to be cruel to me and let it roll off my back. I am resolved to make this happen. For the next 30 days. Everyday I will say nice things to myself. At the end of 30 days, I will feel differently. I will have made my new habits and will walk my way from the dark. Once again I will live in the light and joy of my life. Hello Sunshine, it’s nice to see you again.
It’s been…quite busy in my life. I’ve had to deal with so much change in a short amount of time that it’s quite daunting. So much crazy, so much change that my daily posts were put on hold and I just could not allow that focus to come to be as it was needed elsewhere.
As I mentioned back in November, I lost my beloved furry friend Seth. In early April, barely five months had passed and we lost our lovely C’nedra, our princess wonkadoodle. A very vocal family member. I went deeper into depression and mourning. After a while change needed to be made, Keith sought out a new job and started working at a new place on the 6th of May.
For the most part, the depression is lifting. I am doing another 5K and actually working on training for this one so I can accomplish it in less time than the last. This is where I run into some of my most difficult moments. As a fat girl I have issues with my physical body that sometimes prevent me from doing what my mind wants to do and is geared and ready to do. When my body says STOP and my mind/motivation say keep going, I end up in more pain than I am content with. Example, the other week, I was walking along the path behind the dog park with my husband and dogs. We went about halfway between the dog park and Hann’s park. On the way back I was in a bit of pain but kept trudging on, albeit slower than I started when my body said NOPE not going another step and sat down. At this point I was beside myself emotionally and feeling like a failure because I could not complete a simple walk. It’s heartbreaking sometimes when I WANT to do something and cannot. Logically I know I WILL be able to do it…eventually.
I get into the headspace that pulls me down and here I am again fighting depression more. I had a lovely lunch this past Monday with my friend Jennifer and this is something we talked about. There were a lot of great ideas and among them was when we find ourselves giving into the despair to recognize it and force ourselves out of the house to do something…anything. In order to be able to do the things I want to be able to do, I have to keep moving. Movement is the important piece here. So I’ve resolved to not have a day with less than 2000 steps in it. Working from home, that’s difficult to some degree. So far this week, I’ve made it everyday. Most days I’ve made it drastically over that and yesterday over by 47 steps…Progress is good.
there is a lot more on my mind but this is a good start to getting back into updates and more often.
On Friday, February 14, I left my home and headed down to San Carlos to pick up my good friend Victoria. After a pick up and load of the rental, we traveled a little further into San Jose for Pantheacon. This was to be something extraordinarily memorable for me, you see this was the first “pcon” that I would be able to make it to. When I lived in Florida there wasn’t time or funds for me to fly to the opposing coast for just a few days. Last year I could not make it as we still had boxes and hadn’t been in CA long enough to even settle.
Going into the weekend I did not know what to expect. I’ve attended various events in the past ranging from public circles, workshops, Pagan Pride and the Goddess Festival (2010 from Z Budapest) and none of them could have even remotely prepared me for what I would encounter this weekend. Not that this was in anyway a bad thing, just something that had to be experienced in order to truly understand.
First I would like to start out by saying that everyone there helped create an energetic and safe place for pagans to gather, exchange ideas, have ritual and more together. Victoria and I arrived early afternoon on Friday and went through the check-in process both with the hotel and the festival/conference. After check-in we ran into some of her friends who own Xcentricities Corsets and work with them when they are in town. We were minionized to help hold doors and such, which was fun. The first workshop we attended was at 1:30 and for Fiber Magick. It was definitely more thought provoking than I thought it would be. My working with fiber is very limited as I am not a spinner, crocheter, knitter, etc but it definitely gave me some ideas on working with fabrics, threads and even hair. Following this we attended Pagan Theurgy surrounding ceremonial magick and the use of neo-platonic philosophy and the bits that go along with it. Absolutely fascinating and something I am going to look more into. That evening we attended a Ritual of Calling the Guardians from Thorn Coyle.
As the first day drew to a close we met up with Victoria’s friends (and wonderful people she generally rooms with yearly) Ben and Rebecca. I must say that meeting these wonderful people, this family that included so many amazing people that have come together as a family was altering for me. It is one thing to attend such a large conference and experience workshop and ritual and quite another thing to befriend some amazing people. Ben, Rebecca, Shirley, Sandy, Kay, Dan, Ynhared, Kevin, Nathania, Tony, Richard and many more whom I may be forgetting at the moment…simply beautiful and amazing people with warm hearts, wit and many senses of humor that simply had me laughing and laughing.
The weekend came fully to life on Saturday as many more people joined the conference for workshops such as Rethinking Community for the Solitary Pagan and many others. Saturday I needed a break in the afternoon so I napped to rid myself of a headache. We hung out a bit more and had so much fun! It was amazing how many more people showed up on Saturday and Sunday than had been present on Friday. Sunday brought the ADF Ritual for Community Service and work, a non-stop chanting workshop with Margot Adler, a workshop on The Woman Magician with Brandy Williams (who also ran the Theurgy workshop we attended earlier in pcon). Much more schmoozing and having a good time Sunday evening as everything started to wind down for the weekend.
On our last morning we attended a workshop on Pop Culture Magick then packed up said our good byes and head home. All in all the weekend was amazing for me. I will be writing one more post on how some of the events/workshops/rituals I attended, affected me. This includes the effects these new friends have had on me as I move forward in my path this lifetime. Would I do this again? Most definitely.