Waxing Crescent Moon
Waxing Crescent Moon

The moon is currently in Leo
The moon is 2 days old

Dark Night

Hi there folks!  I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence.  To say that life caught up with me?  Well that would be a gross understatement.  We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.

In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways.  My path has deepened.  My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection.  I am content again.  I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand.  I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.

I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value.  I do deserve happiness.  I deserve feeling and being beautiful.  What does this all mean?  Well I am doing new things.  I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start.  I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot.  Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me.  What do they know that I do not, about myself?  Pretty much nothing.

Who am I?  I am a witch.  I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy.  I am loved.  I love.  I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me.  These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down.  The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not.  Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself.  I lost a few friends along the way.  People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point.  Guess I was fooled.  That hurt a bit.  I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for  anyone other than myself and how I react to things.  I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to.  I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.

To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth.  It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person.  To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings.  I love each of you…my friends past and present.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life.  I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life. I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

My huge Black Moonstone Sphere.

My huge Black Moonstone Sphere.

One of my favorite stones to work with right now is Black Moonstone.  Black Moonstone is the stone of the dark moon.  It is considered to be a powerful stone for shamanic work, shadow work, dark nights of the soul, new + dark moon magick.  There is a lot of “oomph” in this stone and one that I am finding brings a lot to the table for Priestesses.

Within this sphere, I find the ability to work through the deeper inner mysteries that are the heart of spiritual evolution.   In order to truly know yourself and evolve as a person and spiritually you must be willing to face your shadow and see what lies beneath the surface.  Diving into the dark can be quite scary.  The energies of black moonstone help you delve deeper with supporting gentle light.

Additionally this stone is ideal for perceiving what lies beyond the veil and during the dark times of the year as Samhain approaches this is a valued tool to the witch. In my own workings I am finding that I am able to feel the energies of others more acutely and intensely.  I am able to work within my own darkness to bring balance and peace to my life.

It’s a stone I cannot recommend enough if you are willing to do the hard work of truly piercing your darkness and shadow, embracing it and bringing balance to your life.

at Hann's Park under a Willow tree near the stream

at Hann’s Park under a Willow tree near the stream

So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.

This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:

  • I will blog three times a week
    • Monday’s will be weekend musings
    • Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
    • Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
  • Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
  • I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
  • Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.

Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up.  There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful.  I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.

I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month.  There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks.  I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.

All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends.  I’m digging it.

DSCN0072When your computer, phone, tablet and the like have problems, the first thing most people do is rebooting them to clear any lingering processes that aren’t quite closing right. Sometimes, you really just want to do that with life as well.

There comes a time that when stresses pile up, that you become totally overwhelmed and just don’t know where to start. When you are in that place, a lot of the time you just never start. Things pile up higher and higher and soon you feel buried, overwhelmed and just want to curl up for a long nap and a good cry.

When you get to this place, you cannot even truly tell you are in it but you know you are true and well, overwhelmed and feel buried beneath all the things you are responsible for. Things begin slipping through the cracks, work becomes less important, focus begins to wane and motivation, well that is gone too. I’ve been in this place lately and let me tell you, my friend that it’s not easy to overcome.

Walking through the wilderness of life you are confronted with many lessons and challenges that ultimately will enable and help you to grow to whatever may be next for you as a human or a spirit. We never know what these things will teach us, how we will react to them or what will happen on the other side. The darkness that we encounter through each is real and it can be all encompassing for a time. How do you confront that which you cannot see? How do you work through the dark night? How do you, differentiate challenge and lesson to just rotten luck? I don’t have any of the answers to these questions but I can tell you that I’ve asked myself these questions so many times to date that the answers of them, well they no longer matter to me.

The realizations that I have had have helped me get from one “nasty” spot to a place that is more beautiful by immeasurable numbers. Before I get into the grit of my experiences, I should warn you that these are simply my thoughts based on the situations that I have experienced in some form during my short life of 42 years. There comes a time in life when you just kick off your shoes and decide that you will not continue down a destructive path.

My shoes are now kicked off; I’ve had enough of the drama. There is only one-way for me and that is forward. I’m sure along the way forward I will fall flat on my face and that some things, simply will not work out the way I intend or hope. I refuse to let this slow me down or get me down.

It begins now with a health reboot. I put on my big girl panties and decided I would stop self-sabotaging my health. I am back on my bandwagon and will continue to move forward. I am continuing some very deep work to complete the righting of my “self” and spirit. Through meditation and journaling I will be working towards a healthy spirit, through diet and exercise I will be working towards a healthy body. My practices will be evolving into a new lifestyle that will serve me better.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I begin this day with affirmations. I am healthy; I am filled with spirit and light. I feel love and receive love. I am a beautiful person.

 

Wallpaper found on Wallisty

Wallpaper found on Wallisty

Even in our darkest hours we are never truly alone.  If you open your heart, you will feel the support surrounding you.  I have a vision, it’s a simple one but mine nevertheless.  I want to share my experiences, I want to learn more and help those who have walked the path in the dark, thinking they were alone for far too long and offer them support and more.

This is my vision: In my this work I will combine my Priestesshood with the counseling of those who have depression or similar disorders. For years we fight alone and without the support that can be garnered by community and our Priesthood. As a result of this solitude, we often encounter fear, self-loathing and the impression we are weak. None of this is the case. I plan to bring counseling and tools to the Sacred Mists community to help my brothers and sisters, which suffer from the multitude of depressive disorders. This will be done through community, counseling and helping to provide quality information and tools to work within spirit and with both western and eastern medicinal traditions for healing. I will accomplish this through research, training and outreach.

I am in the infant phases of this at the present.  I am doing the exploration right now to determine the need and desire for this very thing.  In this exploration I see potential services to be offered:

  • Community Support via closed forum for privacy
  • IM support/counseling
  • Phone support/counseling
  • Spell work support with counseling
  • Reiki, Spell work, Meditation support with counseling

Some of these services will be free of charge, others will carry a moderate fee for time and materials (where applicable).  This of course will be offered on a sliding scale for folks who need the support but just cannot afford it.  I am also considering doing this with a pay it forward aspect to it so that if you cannot afford it, with an agreement to make a love donation in the future for someone who needs it but cannot afford it, I will do the work free of charge.  I’m still working out the logistics in my head and exploring the coursework that I will be taking to make this a realization.  There will be a lot of research on my end as well as some psychology coursework.

In the end I think this can be great.  Does this sound interesting to you?  Please comment here on the blog with your thoughts and any questions.  Do not reply on facebook please! 🙂

Shining light into the darkness and shadows...River in the campground we stayed at...a beautiful time to be in nature.

Shining light into the darkness and shadows…River in the campground we stayed at…a beautiful time to be in nature.

This is a scary thing for me to admit and it’s something not many people know but here it is.

I have had depression for most of my life, dating back to high school.  Then it was considered hormones as I grew into my adult life, then it was considered “all in my head” where no one wanted to treat me.  I eventually broke down several years ago and made my doctor listen, his response was “I don’t think you have depression and it’s all in your head.  Here are some mild anti-depressants take them as long as you want or not at all and stop whenever you want”, never once did he ask me about it again.  They did not help…they turned me into a zombie with zero emotions going through life with no joy or anything at all.  I stopped taking them.

At some point I have tried many different herbal remedies and ultimately had some successes for brief periods with them.  They never lasted long.  For years I struggled and became a shell of myself though I am easily able to hide it by turning myself “on” when I am out in the world.  Only an empath might be able to tell the difference.  I was very good at hiding except when I was at home.  Many years passed and thoughts became darker and darker until I decided that if I did not do something about it, those dark thoughts would win eventually.  I searched for a new doctor, it would be my first attempt since we moved to California.  I was a wreck right up to the appointment with panic attacks and fear of a repeat performance of the last time I tried (which now was about ten years).  I sat in the examination room and when the doctor walked in, I felt a sigh of relief within my spirit.  Something told me THIS doctor would listen.  I spoke to her about many of the things I was experiencing.  She listened to my horror stories of past doctors.  Ultimately, she diagnosed severe depression with social anxiety.  Thank the Gods!  Someone finally listened and I can get some help.  We worked on a treatment plan and since that day in December I have been back in the office several times for evaluations.  By taking a chance I saved my life with her help.

Now a lot of people have always said those that are on medications that alter their chemical composition should not practice witchcraft.  I have never understood this.  Having depression and getting treated does not mean you are incapable of connecting with deity and spirit.  I have found quite the opposite.  I have worked with deity to help me through the worst spots and even now when I have a bad day, and yes I do still have them but they are much better, I turn to spirit to help me through it.  My mental processes are much more clear and positive than they have been in years.  I truly feel other emotions now than just sadness, anger and depression, the others are returning to me and I have found as my chemical balance is restored that I can connect much better to spirit, to deity and to other people through my gift of empathy.

Am I alright?  Not yet but I can see a light in the tunnel at long last and the feels are real.  Working with spirit helped save my life before it got too bad, working with my doctor saved my life when it was too bad for me to make it on my own any more.  I feel no shame in having done these things, though I am aware that people will look at me differently now that the “truth” is out there. It is but once facet of who I am.

I am a living, breathing, healing witch.  I walk my path everyday and with every breath I feel better, with every interaction I smile and with every smile, hug and laugh…I know I am on the right road.

Hann's Park Feb. 2013.  Good morning Sunshine!

Hann’s Park Feb. 2013. Good morning Sunshine!

It’s been several days since I’ve written and I can feel that.  I try to write everyday but sometimes it’s just hard.  Life gets in the way of writing and when that happens I have to remember to be gentle with myself about it.  I’ve been sick for the last 4 or 5 days.  It’s a head cold so nothing that a doctor can do anything about, it just needs to run it’s course and be gone.  I’ve tried to be kind to myself while I need the extra rest and not overdo it.  It’s hard, when you are used to GOING on weekends and getting stuff done to realize that the nap in the middle of the day is absolutely necessary.  Being in bed by 8 also necessary.  I just could not stay awake even when I was taking dayquil so I tried to not fight it.

This morning dawned early, as with all weekdays.  We get up at 5:30 and get the day started so that by 6:30 we can leave the house to take my husband to the ferry so he can be to work by 8:30 at the latest.  It’s a long day but one that is routine for us.  By 9am I start work (at the latest) and then go through everything that needs to be done.  At 5pm I am done and start working on dinner and feeding the fur-kids and any chores left undone from the morning.  Leave to pick up K by 5:55 then we are home by 6:30p and then it’s dinner for us and winding down from the day.

This is a glance at the daily routine for us.  Let’s throw in being sick and then you can see a thick layer of fog descending into place.  It’s hard to see through.  You become unsteady and need extra breaks from the simplest things.  Slowly the fog lifts and you regain health.  I am able to start seeing through the fog of this head cold finally so there is progress on it.  My goals for today are simple.  Don’t nap. Get as much work done as possible and do so with a smile.

It seems that it’s been a while since I was able to smile all day long and more than anything I would love to find that happy place again.  Hopeful that it is on the other side of this fog I move on.  No more anger and “flying off the handle” over silly things.  Finding balance is going to be key.  Fall is finally here so perhaps that will help me get there.  Slowly I move through the fog and look for the sunshine that is hidden somewhere within.

Hann's Park Feb. 2013.  Good morning Sunshine!

Hann’s Park Feb. 2013. Good morning Sunshine!

I had wanted to start my re-entry into blogging with something positive and uplifting.  I am not sure this qualifies but it is relevant and what is happening right now.

Last weekend I went to Mare Island to participate in The Color Vibe 5K.  This is the second time I have done this particular 5K though it was in a different location this year.  The group I was to be walking with dwindled from 6 to 3 as folks dropped out for one reason or another.  I was mentally prepared for this.  Physically I would have been fine if not for the Sciatic attack the day previous that was still bugging me that morning.  I hoped with lots of stretching I would be ok.  It was not to be the case.  At approximately the 2nd of the 3.1 miles of the walk/run I had to stop.  I had been compensating to relieve pressure from my right side to my left and my knee had enough of that. I was, to say the least, disappointed.

I felt defeated and like I had failed.  I have been carrying this around since Saturday and today is Thursday.  At no point have I stopped walking in the time since.  Yes I have been kind to my body so that I could recover but I have continued forcing myself up and about to get through the physical pains and strains.  I have not; however, always been kind to myself emotionally in the last week.  I have decided that under no circumstances can this defeating self-talk continue.

It started with the words from Jennifer that were to me to be kind to myself and to walk that talk.  Change the negative to positive.  It continued with Lorien saying “fuck em” to anyone who decided to be cruel to me and let it roll off my back.  I am resolved to make this happen.  For the next 30 days.  Everyday I will say nice things to myself.  At the end of 30 days, I will feel differently.  I will have made my new habits and will walk my way from the dark.  Once again I will live in the light and joy of my life.  Hello Sunshine, it’s nice to see you again.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

It is interesting what a new year ticking over can do. We are a month and change into the new year and I have been emotionally wrung out once, had a head cold and am coming back to life again.

If this is any indication of what 2014 has in store for me, it’s easy to see that it’s going to be a year of transformation and growth.  For the time being, I have placed my Goddess 365 blogging on hold.  The training and upkeep of a very young puppy is taking up quite a bit of time and I would much rather focus on bringing up a healthy pup than well just about anything else.

Live is a wicked thing and if we aren’t careful we might miss it in the “daily grind”.  For the last nearly two months I have been inundated with daily life and grind.  Work has been busy as I, basically, reorganize the way that I do pretty much everything.  By the time the weekend comes I am exhausted.  Not just from work but from trying to raise up a good pup.  Having a young pup is a lot of work and with that a lot of things have drifted to the wayside.  I kept up with my daily blogging for a couple weeks but it’s been too hard and too much like work.

This morning, I wanted nothing more than to sleep in but when Keith gets up the pup gets up and rather than try to sleep through the whining when he leaves the room, I got up.  Today.  I  saw him off and then fed the kiddos.  Lilie still devours her food like it’s been a week since she ate and not just since dinner…or even 4 hours ago if we are talking about lunch.  We are developing new habits thanks to the pup trainer that we did not have previously and while I understand some of them I don’t like all of them.  I despise the “5 minute rule” for example.  If we are leaving the house we are not allowed to give attention to the dogs for 5 minutes before leaving and then 5 minutes after getting home.  When they calm down and start ignoring us again, after returning home, we can call them to us and give them attention.  This is in part to help establish the pack order and to teach them manners for when people come over.  Makes sense.  I don’t like it but am doing it anyway.

Once he was off, the kiddos fed and I could “do something else”, instead of going back to bed I got out the vacuum and did the floors.  Continued onto mopping the front room, kitchen area and hallway.  I am not even going to bother mopping the living room with the backyard so muddy right now.  With how much rain we’ve had over the last few days it’s going to be super sloshy and muddy.  That’s a lot of tracked in dirt and mud so I will just keep the floors vacuumed and swiffered in the living room until it’s dried out some.

After all this was done, I had some breakfast and got out my cast iron teapot and filled it up with a pairing of green teas and finalized some website work I was working on for a friend.  I’ve managed to find myself mostly centered this morning and quite a bit chilly, oddly enough.  What will today hold?  No doubt more trials than I’d like but I will greet them with a smile and work my way through them.  Eventually things have to settle into a normal routine.  I am not looking for a boring type of thing just some semblance of normalcy that I am missing these last few months.  I want to wake up with a smile on my face not dread and feeling stressed.

Tonight I will begin painting on a beautiful Goddess with Offering bowl that I made and hope has found her home.  I am painting her in specific colors for my friend Phoenix Indigo Ember.  I hope she likes what I do with her and decides to bring her home.  I also have an antler talking stick to paint.  Maybe I will grab my paint drawer and bring it out tonight and work on it.  There are a lot of little things I want to do this week before Pantheacon on Friday.  I will of course be working from there. 🙂