Waxing Crescent Moon
Waxing Crescent Moon

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change

Concept of balance and harmony. White rocks zen on the sea with a chakra balance watermark demonstrating energetic balance.

Concept of balance and harmony. White rocks zen on the sea with a chakra balance watermark demonstrating energetic balance.

When you think of balance, what do you think of?  Does your mind take you to balanced perched rocks?  Perhaps then a spiritual aura balance of chakra energy?  Enough time in the day to do all the things you are expected to do?  For most of us, we will identify with one of these concepts of balance.  There are of course many others but for this, let’s focus on the most common that we feel.  Personally, I experience all of these and many others!  When you ask many people, what it is they seek in their life improvement, they will tell you that they would like a better balance on x, y, z.  Let’s examine what balance is defined as.  In the most basic definition, for this post, balance can be defined as a state in which different things occur in equal or proper amounts or importance in one’s life.  Our equilibrium is at optimum and we are in a perfect state of homeostasis.  This is the dream many of us have had over our years on this beautiful spinning home, we call Earth.  As I continue to walk my path and evolve as a person, I begin to truly see things differently.  I see things not only more precisely as well as more softly.  What is this nonsense I have written?

OK, let me break it down a little bit from my perspective.  The goals in my life have always revolved some sort of balance in my life.  I want a better work, life balance.  I want a better work, life, spirit balance.  I want a better balance of ALL THE THINGS!  Now, I just look at all of that and roll my eyes.  Balance, by it’s very nature is precarious.  If you pull just the right rock from that pile in the picture above, the entire structure will collapse and the balance, undone.  If you have a precise amount of time planned in your day for travel time to and from work.  Let’s say, you do not allow any “wiggle room”.  You must leave and arrive at the appointed time only.  You are driving to work and someone gets in an accident and now you are sitting in traffic and going to be late.  You cannot apply one analogy to the other, they are completely different concepts of balance but can tie together if it is time that you seek to bring your balance of life, work, spirit.

Do you see where this is going?  If one little thing shifts, the structure *can* fall.  Your homeostasis is false in that you think you are balanced but what you are doing is avoiding new experiences and possibilities in rigidity and therefore your homeostasis will disappear and you will again struggle to regain that position.  A grain of sand can shift the wind, the wind cannot shift the cliffside so easily.  I do not know but in my head, this makes sense.  I am leaving out things from my life, I am not experiencing things in order to work ever harder on this balance that is always out of reach.  It is the goal of many of us, to rise to challenges and to do better than we did the day before.  In this we are always seeking that balance because it’s never quite right and we can do better.

Is this process a futile practice?  Definitely, not.  I know I just said that it’s not attainable and as a result, would it not be understood that to waste energy in such endeavors would be ridiculous.  Except, that’s not what I really said.  That last part, we all read that.  I read it and sometimes I type it and believe it.  In working to achieve these balances, to better ourselves, we are in essence finding a balance of possibilities and experiencing new things.  I still do not believe balance is possible, if we were perfectly balanced we would cease to truly learn and grow as we would not seek out new experiences.  Why seek out these things when we have attained balance?  Interesting and random thoughts rolling around in my head at 11pm at night when I should be in bed, with getting up for work early tomorrow.

Hi there folks!  I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence.  To say that life caught up with me?  Well that would be a gross understatement.  We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.

In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways.  My path has deepened.  My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection.  I am content again.  I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand.  I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.

I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value.  I do deserve happiness.  I deserve feeling and being beautiful.  What does this all mean?  Well I am doing new things.  I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start.  I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot.  Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me.  What do they know that I do not, about myself?  Pretty much nothing.

Who am I?  I am a witch.  I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy.  I am loved.  I love.  I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me.  These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down.  The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not.  Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself.  I lost a few friends along the way.  People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point.  Guess I was fooled.  That hurt a bit.  I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for  anyone other than myself and how I react to things.  I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to.  I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.

To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth.  It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person.  To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings.  I love each of you…my friends past and present.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life.  I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life. I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing.  YAY!  With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.

chime-blessing-new-yearFor the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus.  I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer.  That’s to say really poorly.  With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last.  The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was.  Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.

As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉  True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further.  It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years.  Yes, things are changing.  I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement.  Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light.  My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.

ComparisonTo those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me.  If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen.  Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program.  In April of this year I decided to do something for my health.  I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most.  A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it.  A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body.  Fast forward a bit.  I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer.  It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.

As of today I have lost about 92 lbs.  I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period.  Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.

Part of the reboot includes each of these things:

  • Daily workout
  • Meal prep to avoid eating out
  • Isagenix shakes and vitamins
  • Accountability group on Facebook
  • Daily accountability with my coach.

It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me.  I LOVE food.  I love food that is bad for me.  I love foods that are good for me.  I love potato chips even more.  So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food?  I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced.  I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.

The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts.  By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement.  The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.

Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl.  In January I am going to do a 5K again.  I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do.  My goal is to do it in an hour or less.  If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes.  I am going to start training for it and mean it this time.  I will finish the Color Vibe!

 

Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce.  Be yourself without apologies.  Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional.  Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.

Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y.  I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day.  Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals.  Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals.  I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time.  While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight.  I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.

Through affirmations I overcome the years of negative self-talk and abuse.

Through affirmations I overcome the years of negative self-talk and abuse.

One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there.  On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup.  On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup.  I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step.  That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.

The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world.  Guess what though?  No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there.  You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you.  It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.

So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit?  You start with affirmations.  Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful.  Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing.  Tell yourself everyday.  Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself?  They go away.  Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful?  Wear it.  Nails?  Paint them!  Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations.  Believe them and they will be.

I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉

 

Earth Elemental by D_emo

Earth Elemental by D_emo

This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time?  Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia.  It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process.  Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed.  It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not.  Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway.  I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds.  I am now at the 75lb mark.  I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year.  Now some will applaud this and say way to go!  Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic.  Really it is.  I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.

In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro.  I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there.  The jingle can be found on YouTube  The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial.  There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents.  He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best.  This went on for years.  Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade.  The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not.  Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.

I don't remember if this was an 89 or 90 dance but this is my best friend Joy and I.  Obviously I am thicker than she is but I'm not "Fat"  The dress I am wearing is loose and swinging.

I don’t remember if this was an 89 or 90 dance but this is my best friend Joy and I. Obviously I am thicker than she is but I’m not “Fat” The dress I am wearing is loose and swinging.

When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted.  People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really.  Now the barbs got more cruel.  Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me.  You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if…    All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing.  I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy.  So I thought.

The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is.  Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer.  At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”.  There was that quantifier again.  IF THEN.  I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.

To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better.  Now we are strong and now we stand tall.  To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids.  I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way.  That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.

So today I say #effyourbeautystandards

So today I say #effyourbeautystandards

In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs.  I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this.  Losing this weight has not made me happier.  Losing this weight has not made me prettier.  Losing this weight has made me healthier.  I am the same person inside that I was.  I am still pretty.  Yes, I am fat.  Yes, I am pretty.  These things are not dependent upon one another.  I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time.  Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer?  Fantastic Dance on sister!  I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away.  I may stop there or I may continue to lose.  I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.

Fuck other people’s beauty standards.  Fuck what other people think.  Do you like it? Do you love it?  That is the only opinion that matters.  ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.

For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?

Full Definition of BEAUTY

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness

2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman

3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality

4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>

If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.

I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.

How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.

What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!

DSCN0072When your computer, phone, tablet and the like have problems, the first thing most people do is rebooting them to clear any lingering processes that aren’t quite closing right. Sometimes, you really just want to do that with life as well.

There comes a time that when stresses pile up, that you become totally overwhelmed and just don’t know where to start. When you are in that place, a lot of the time you just never start. Things pile up higher and higher and soon you feel buried, overwhelmed and just want to curl up for a long nap and a good cry.

When you get to this place, you cannot even truly tell you are in it but you know you are true and well, overwhelmed and feel buried beneath all the things you are responsible for. Things begin slipping through the cracks, work becomes less important, focus begins to wane and motivation, well that is gone too. I’ve been in this place lately and let me tell you, my friend that it’s not easy to overcome.

Walking through the wilderness of life you are confronted with many lessons and challenges that ultimately will enable and help you to grow to whatever may be next for you as a human or a spirit. We never know what these things will teach us, how we will react to them or what will happen on the other side. The darkness that we encounter through each is real and it can be all encompassing for a time. How do you confront that which you cannot see? How do you work through the dark night? How do you, differentiate challenge and lesson to just rotten luck? I don’t have any of the answers to these questions but I can tell you that I’ve asked myself these questions so many times to date that the answers of them, well they no longer matter to me.

The realizations that I have had have helped me get from one “nasty” spot to a place that is more beautiful by immeasurable numbers. Before I get into the grit of my experiences, I should warn you that these are simply my thoughts based on the situations that I have experienced in some form during my short life of 42 years. There comes a time in life when you just kick off your shoes and decide that you will not continue down a destructive path.

My shoes are now kicked off; I’ve had enough of the drama. There is only one-way for me and that is forward. I’m sure along the way forward I will fall flat on my face and that some things, simply will not work out the way I intend or hope. I refuse to let this slow me down or get me down.

It begins now with a health reboot. I put on my big girl panties and decided I would stop self-sabotaging my health. I am back on my bandwagon and will continue to move forward. I am continuing some very deep work to complete the righting of my “self” and spirit. Through meditation and journaling I will be working towards a healthy spirit, through diet and exercise I will be working towards a healthy body. My practices will be evolving into a new lifestyle that will serve me better.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I begin this day with affirmations. I am healthy; I am filled with spirit and light. I feel love and receive love. I am a beautiful person.

 

It’s really been quite sometime since I have sat down to write.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  The holidays were lovely until just after Christmas.  The day after Christmas I got the call I’ve been dreading, Daddy’s health was failing and it was time to come  home for that.  I left the very next evening.  I still did not make it in time to see him before he passed.  In fact I was at the airport when he passed waiting for my first flight out of the two it would take to get me there.  Not an easy thing for me to deal with, especially in public.  I stayed with my mom for almost three weeks helping her through getting things done and such.  It was a time I would do again in a heartbeat.

That period for me was hard and well I finally had my good cry just recently and I can feel that the healing will truly happen for me now.  There is so much on my mind right now that I think what I will do is a blog post about each subject over the next several days.

I have days where I call mom and swear I can hear Dad laughing at some of the dumb jokes we crack and it’s a comfort to me to know he’s watching over us.

Now that the holidays are over and life is finally settling into a normal routine again I can look at myself and say that I am forever changed.  I am missing a small piece of my heart but it will grow again with the memories that I have stored in my spirit to take up that space that his physical presence once resided in my heart.

I’m healing and starting to come out from the dark at last and it’s glorious to see snippets of me.  I’ll share my progress along the way and the rituals I do to help me through the worst of the changes. 🙂

Earth Elemental by D_emo

Earth Elemental by D_emo

There is something to be said for having an accountability partner in writing.  It is keeping me “honest” with writing everyday and working out subjects together can be quite awesome. 🙂  Do you want to see her writings too?  Be sure to visit her on her Witches Diary.  If you like, we’d love to have you join us! Want a witches diary as well?  Just contact me and I will set it up for you!

I’ve gotten “caught” up in my posts so that none are missing, despite the one being a day late for yesterday’s Water post.  Today I am working with Earth.  Earth, happens to be my weakest element.  There is something very smothering about it in many ways and so controlling.  I have never been able to “completely let go” and soar because Earth seems to just hold on.

What is the element Earth?  Aside from being our bodies, our home and filled with wonder?  Earth grounds us, protects us and shelters us.  Earth is a great provider.  Our food is of the earth, we are enriched by it’s beauty, we are in awe of the destructive forces it can unleash upon us.

Absorbing Earth:

Close your eyes. See yourself sitting calmly in nature (someplace where you can touch the ground such as a forest, cave or meadow). Nothing exists but you Earth around you. Feel the texture and weight of the Earth around you. See how the Earth moves with each breath you take. Breathe deeply, Earth does not become agitated , but appears to be swirling gently around you. It is creating a circle around you. Know that you are safe in this circle of earth. The earth cannot harm you, but is protecting you. Nothing exists but you and the circle of earth which has surrounded you.

Continue breathing deeply, with each breath you are being filled with the Element, you are breathing in the element itself. Slowly the Element begins filling your being. Count each breath in, Keep this count, see this as a bead, how many breaths does it take for Element to fill your being? Remember this number. The characteristics of Element have filled your being. What does it feel like to be filled with earth? Where does the earth not move cleanly through you Where does it become broken, where does it not exist or move too quickly? See these areas and what they correspond to. Mentally and emotionally allow the Element to help repair the damage and the Element will exist evenly and throughout.

Once your Element is flowing evenly and steadily, you are ready to project that element back out of your being.

Continue breathing evenly. With each breath you project a bead of Earth. You will project the same number of beads of the element that you breathed in. With each exhalation of the element you remain balanced with this Element.

This exercise is always difficult for me.  I always feel as if I am being suffocated.  As a result of that it takes me considerably longer to “fill” myself as I have to take it slowly in order to keep the panic of suffocation at bay.  One of the changes I did with this exercise is instead of the “movement” I decided to fill myself and look for cracks or fissures in the earth that has filled me.  I looked and began focusing on the energy centers of my body that exhibited a less than full amount of earth and began working to fill that by adding soil to the whole and shifting it around until the fissures closed.

I think with time this exercise will become easier as the more I work with the earth element the more comfortable I will become with it.  Maybe a few more times and I won’t have a near panic attack. *laugh*