From the #FatGirl that likes food

ComparisonTo those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me.  If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen.  Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program.  In April of this year I decided to do something for my health.  I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most.  A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it.  A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body.  Fast forward a bit.  I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer.  It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.

As of today I have lost about 92 lbs.  I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period.  Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.

Part of the reboot includes each of these things:

  • Daily workout
  • Meal prep to avoid eating out
  • Isagenix shakes and vitamins
  • Accountability group on Facebook
  • Daily accountability with my coach.

It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me.  I LOVE food.  I love food that is bad for me.  I love foods that are good for me.  I love potato chips even more.  So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food?  I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced.  I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.

The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts.  By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement.  The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.

Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl.  In January I am going to do a 5K again.  I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do.  My goal is to do it in an hour or less.  If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes.  I am going to start training for it and mean it this time.  I will finish the Color Vibe!


Posted on 13 October '15 by , under Eff Your Beauty Standards, FatGirl, Life, Looks. 4 Comments.

There you are

Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce.  Be yourself without apologies.  Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional.  Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.

Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y.  I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day.  Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals.  Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals.  I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time.  While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight.  I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.

Through affirmations I overcome the years of negative self-talk and abuse.

Through affirmations I overcome the years of negative self-talk and abuse.

One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there.  On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup.  On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup.  I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step.  That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.

The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world.  Guess what though?  No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there.  You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you.  It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.

So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit?  You start with affirmations.  Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful.  Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing.  Tell yourself everyday.  Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself?  They go away.  Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful?  Wear it.  Nails?  Paint them!  Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations.  Believe them and they will be.

I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉


Posted on 2 September '15 by , under Eff Your Beauty Standards, FatGirl, Life, Looks, Spirituality. No Comments.

I feel…pretty, oh so pretty…

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.

For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?

Full Definition of BEAUTY

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness

2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman

3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality

4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>

If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.

I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.

How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.

What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!

Posted on 28 May '15 by , under Life, Looks. No Comments.

It’s very elemental – Air

Air Elemental - art by Iriloth This image to me is both evocative and fully representative of what this exercise is like for me.

Air Elemental – art by Iriloth
This image to me is both evocative and fully representative of what this exercise is like for me.

There is something to be said for having an accountability partner in writing.  It is keeping me “honest” with writing everyday and working out subjects together can be quite awesome. 🙂  Do you want to see her writings too?  Be sure to visit her on her Witches Diary.  If you like, we’d love to have you join us! Want a witches diary as well?  Just contact me and I will set it up for you!

For the next several days we are going to be talking about the elements.  I’ve decided to start with air, as I would in calling a circle.

During my studies with Sacred Mists, in the first degree, we did a series of exercises called “Elemental Absorption”.  The goal of these exercises was that through meditation we completely absorb what it is to be “one with an element”.  This does several things, it helps us, as witches, become more balanced within the elements themselves and to find areas of imbalance or “weakness” and work within that particular element to find balance.

Today I focus on Air, I know that this is an element that I am strong in. The wind is my breath, the breeze my heartbeat.  To get the ball rolling I will first share the modified Absorption exercise.  Modified?  Yes, I took the original exercises and modified them slightly to work a little better for me.  This is that modified version.

Absorbing Air:
Close your eyes. See yourself sitting calmly. Nothing exists but you. Feel the weight of the air around you. See how the air moves with each breath you take. Breathe deeply, the air does not become diluted, but appears to be swirling gently around you. It is creating a circle of air around you. Know that you are safe in this circle of air. The Air cannot harm you, but is protecting you. Nothing exists but you and the circle of swirling air which has surrounded you.

Continue breathing deeply, with each breath you are being filled with the Element, you are breathing in the element itself. Slowly the Element begins filling your being. Count each breath in, Keep this count, see this as a bead, how many breaths does it take for Element to fill your being? Remember this number. The characteristics of Element have filled your being. Where does the Element not swirl evenly? Where does it become broken, where does it not exist or swirl too quickly? See these areas and what they correspond to. Mentally and emotionally allow the Element to help repair the damage and the Element will exist evenly and throughout.

Once your Element is swirling evenly and steadily, you are ready to project that element back out of your being.

Continue breathing evenly. With each breath you project a bead of Air. You will project the same number of beads of the element that you breathed in. With each exhalation of the element you remain balanced with this Element. Count again the number of beads, you must exhale exactly the same number of times you inhaled.

Conscious Spirit Oracle Card and Chrysalis Tarot Card for 10/24/2014

Conscious Spirit Oracle Card and Chrysalis Tarot Card for 10/24/2014

The modifications I made to this exercise help me find the exact spots within my body that are, essentially, deficient in the element of air.  This exercise does not take very long generally and it’s one that I try to remember to do at least once a month.  Granted, lately it has been longer in between doing them and I can certainly tell that is the case.  When I did this today I found a great many places that the air did not move freely through my body.  Most prominently was within my “root chakra” area that area that controls safety and security as well as my “sacral chakra” which when imbalanced can lead to feelings of insecurity and helplessness.  Yes, this makes sense to me.  So I spent a few minutes focusing on the air in those areas and freed up some of the movement.  I should do this exercise at least once a week for the time being.

In addition to this exercise I did pull my Conscious Spirit Oracle Card and a card from the Chrysalis Tarot.  Today’s reading is representative entirely of where I am in my life and day and makes sense.  My Oracle Card is “Balance” with affirmation “I understand and embrace the opposing forces in life that bring about balance”  This absolutely makes sense to me as I work to regain balance in my life from being knocked about and over consistently.  My Tarot card is the Ten of Scrolls which depicts a regal tiger surrounded by the scrolls. This is about restriction and finding oneself surrounded by the trials of life.  The strength and will of the tiger will aid in getting through these issues.

Posted on 24 October '14 by , under Affirmations, Elements, Life, Spirituality, Tarot. No Comments.

Beginning anew

It’s been quite sometime since I’ve sat down to write.  The thing is, I get started and do really well for a while then I just stop.  The full stop is not due to any one reason I just seem to stop for no reason and don’t pick it up again for a while.  I know writing is good for me and I know that it helps me stay balanced.  Today I begin anew my daily writing.  This time I am bringing a partner with me to help keep me accountable and I will help keep her accountable as well.  Wynter is a cool chic, check out her Witches Diary Wynterwonders.  Part of our accountability is that we write within an hour of getting up.  I am a little bit more than that so that might have to be adjusted for  weekday mornings when I take Keith to the ferry for work.

To work on getting back into the writing habit I thought I’d pull a card from my two go to decks currently, The Conscious Spirit Oracle and The Chrysalis Tarot.  The oracle deck provides me some visually stunning imagery combined with elemental, chakra energies AND an affirmation.  The Chrysalis Tarot is just absolutely stunning and I connected to it much easier than I anticipated from the pictures I was initially hesitant but WOW love the deck.

Chrysalis + Conscious Spirit Reading as I begin writing anew! October 23, 2014

Chrysalis + Conscious Spirit Reading as I begin writing anew! October 23, 2014

My reading today is pretty interesting.  I wanted to do a reading that sets my day up and what kinds of energies I can expect to be key in my day.

My Conscious Spirit card today is Crystal Ascension with affirmation “I am attuned to the universal wisdom and energy of the crystal kingdom.”  Rather awesome for me since I work with crystals, gemstones + minerals everyday.  Often the energies of stones will guide me in the day to keep me even and balanced.  So very nice to see that for my affirmation today.  It will be a spirit filled day for sure!

My Chrysalis Card today is The Lovers.  Visually this card is just vibrant and filled with such amazing depth.  In it you see the lovers gazing into one another’s eyes with such deep feeling.  Behind them appears a tree, possibly the Tree of Life in the way it is depicted with the sun on one side the crescent moon on the other.  In front of the lovers are a pair of white doves for peace and unity, a horned stag, a horse, an owl, a rabbit, a sheep, an orange tabby cat and the wise old magician.  There is a lot going on here with the animals and their energies combining gives me the amazing sense of intuitive unity between spirit and life.  There is some knowledge at hand that will lift my spirit and personal evolution.  It brings with it the desire to bite into the forbidden fruit, furthering knowledge, wisdom and my path.

The day ahead of me promises to be one filled with some bumps as knowledge and wisdom comes at a price; however, I have the energies of the animals to lean upon and help me through it.  Not a bad start to getting the writing going again and I see this lasting long.

Posted on 23 October '14 by , under Affirmations, Growth, Spirituality, Tarot, Wicca. No Comments.

Back to life, back to reality.

Hann's Park Feb. 2013.  Good morning Sunshine!

Hann’s Park Feb. 2013. Good morning Sunshine!

I had wanted to start my re-entry into blogging with something positive and uplifting.  I am not sure this qualifies but it is relevant and what is happening right now.

Last weekend I went to Mare Island to participate in The Color Vibe 5K.  This is the second time I have done this particular 5K though it was in a different location this year.  The group I was to be walking with dwindled from 6 to 3 as folks dropped out for one reason or another.  I was mentally prepared for this.  Physically I would have been fine if not for the Sciatic attack the day previous that was still bugging me that morning.  I hoped with lots of stretching I would be ok.  It was not to be the case.  At approximately the 2nd of the 3.1 miles of the walk/run I had to stop.  I had been compensating to relieve pressure from my right side to my left and my knee had enough of that. I was, to say the least, disappointed.

I felt defeated and like I had failed.  I have been carrying this around since Saturday and today is Thursday.  At no point have I stopped walking in the time since.  Yes I have been kind to my body so that I could recover but I have continued forcing myself up and about to get through the physical pains and strains.  I have not; however, always been kind to myself emotionally in the last week.  I have decided that under no circumstances can this defeating self-talk continue.

It started with the words from Jennifer that were to me to be kind to myself and to walk that talk.  Change the negative to positive.  It continued with Lorien saying “fuck em” to anyone who decided to be cruel to me and let it roll off my back.  I am resolved to make this happen.  For the next 30 days.  Everyday I will say nice things to myself.  At the end of 30 days, I will feel differently.  I will have made my new habits and will walk my way from the dark.  Once again I will live in the light and joy of my life.  Hello Sunshine, it’s nice to see you again.

Posted on 26 June '14 by , under Affirmations, Community, Dark Night, Growth, Life, Looks, Spirituality. No Comments.

Change on the horizon

mielikkiMy weekend was pretty rough.  I did not get a chance to do my Goddess 365 work at all.  I was either too busy or too tired from being too busy.  I will have to figure out how to make it work on weekends. *laugh*

Today’s goddess is Mielikki, a Finnish goddess of game, hunting and the forest.  She protects our resources during the remaining cold season by keeping our pantry filled.  As the Goddess of Abundant Grain, she also encourages the return of fertility to Earth.  Additional research shows that she is also quite adept at healing.  While her domain is that of the woodlands and nature, she is quite willing to help humans, who know enough to ask for her aid.

Her themes are providence and change with the symbols of the bear, grain and woodland plants.  Today Ms. Telesco gives us an exercise to encourage resource blessings & preservation.

Go into your kitchen and get a small handful of any grain-based cereal.  Take this outside and release a pinch of it to the Earth, saying,

“Mielikki, see this grain and bless, return to Earth in fruitfulness.
Hear the prayer that fills my heart; to my home providence impart.”

Take the remaining pinch back into the house and store it in an airtight container, symbolically preserving your resources.

Star-Aff-CardI think rather than doing this what I will do is take a handful of bread bits and rice krispies (it’s the only cereal in the house).  I will take this outside and add it to the compost area in our backyard to feed the birds and bless my yard with fertility.  I will take a pinch of this and store it until Imbolc in a baggie, I will take another pinch of it and consume it.  The blessing I will recite: “Mielikki,  I call to you in times of change and cold, Of my home and hearth I ask for healing and providence.  May your wisdom guide us.”

Today’s affirmation card is the Star.  Aptly drawn this morning with some challenges that popped up over the weekend and with the guidance of Mielikki I may preserve the situation.  The affirmation is “I am always growing with wisdom and spiritual knowledge”.  I’ve many challenges to overcome today so I am modifying this to “My wisdom grows and through it I share my knowledge with others”.   It is not quite right but it will serve for today.

Posted on 13 January '14 by , under Affirmations, Goddesses, Spirituality, Tarot. No Comments.

Peace & Reconciliation


Today’s Goddess focus is Irene.  She is a Greek Goddess of Peace, Cooperation and Reconciliation with the symbols of a peace sign, gates & entryways and the color white for it’s purity and peaceful intentions.  Irene is daughter of Zeus and one of the three who preside together over matters of peace, order and justice.  The Horae guarded the gates of Mt. Olympus to ensure that all who passed had good-intentioned hearts.  Offerings to Irene were always bloodless, in honor of her amicable energy.
Peace is something that we can all use a little more of and it begins in our own hearts, homes and backyards.  Ms. Telesco offers a simple charm for welcoming the harmony and peace into your heart and hearth.  On a piece of white paper draw a peace sign, folded three times saying “Order – never cease, Justice – release, let there be peace”.  Place this somewhere safe in your home so Irene’s gentle warmth can fill your words and actions all year.  Today wear white as a reminder to approach each situation with peace in your heart and to practice mindfulness in your actions and words.

My card for today is the Devil with the affirmation “Facing my inner demons brings me closer to my authentic Self”.  I think with today’s focus on Irene this can be re-worded a bit to continue the theme.  “I face my inner demons with mindfulness, I learn and grow more peaceful and harmonic with my highest good”

Posted on 10 January '14 by , under Affirmations, Goddesses, Spirituality, Tarot, Training. No Comments.

Perception & Awareness

Working within the 365 Goddess book has been interesting thus far and today’s Goddess is Jana.  Her theme’s are Lunar Energy and Perception with her symbols being the Moon, Silver or shiny items.  Jana is a Roman goddess, whose name means “luminous sky,” as we continue working in Goddess energy this year we are extending our insight and awareness and move ahead.  She is strongly associated with Juno & Diana.  Her traditional offerings include wine, incense and barley.

To get her attention and assistance today wear a piece of silver jewelry (or silver-toned) or silver colored clothing.  Ms. Telesco offers this working in her book:

For increased discernment to guide your actions in the months ahead, go outside with a silver-toned coin.  Hold this coin to the moon, saying:

Jana, through the darkness and through the day,
Light my path and guide my way.

Carry this token with you, touch it, recite the incantation anytime you feel your judgement wavering.

moonI pulled, fascinatingly the Moon card for my affirmation card today which reads “I use my intuition & intelligence to guide me at all times”.  Today, as the moon waxes to full I will invoke lunar energies throughout the day.  It’s overcast here today so the sky is filled with gray.  I am wearing light gray pants today for my silver clothing and will wear a silver necklace or ring as well.  My goals for today’s working will be simple and hopefully felt across through to my friends.  Tonight into the fire a gray piece of paper will be tossed.  I will write and weave in a web format (I’ve found that working with spells in this way is most fascinating and will have to write about it later) a blessing of peace and healing by the light of the moon with a weaving of awareness to events and blessings in our every day lives.  The wording will be figured into the web itself.  Once it’s completed I will visualize with a cone of Arabian Jasmine Incense burning then throw the paper into the fireplace.

To further facilitate the energies that Jana offers, I will work with my intuition throughout the day and weave peaceful lunar energies into every keystroke and phone call.  May you find the blessings of Jana in your day and the light of the moon comforting.

Posted on 9 January '14 by , under Affirmations, Goddesses, Spirituality, Tarot. No Comments.

A goddess of birth called to a childfree ~ Eieithyia

Depiction Eileithyia aiding in the birth of Athena

Depiction Eileithyia aiding in the birth of Athena

Today’s Goddess is going to be a bit of a challenge for me.  Today we work with Eieithyia, who is a Goddess of Birth.    Her symbols are birth, children, creativity and fertility with symbols of a torch and white flowers.

According to some myth, she was the midwife of the gods and even birthed EOS, the creative force behind all things.  When her hands were closed, birth was delayed.  When she opened her body, a child arrived effortlessly.

As a childfree woman this is going to take a bit of creativity (ha!  see what I did there) to work with her.  Historically I have never been able to really connect much with the energy of a Goddess of Birth, mother energy and mother goddesses sure but specific to birth has always been difficult for me.  In order to work with her and welcome her energies, I am going to reach for her creativity and birthing of a new idea or goal.  The goal I have in mind, will remain mine alone but will be worked into a bit of magick today.  I have some white lotus incense and some white mums that I can use for the spell work.Tarot_Lovers_Affirmationsfortheeverdaygoddess

My affirmation card for today is the Lovers.  The affirmation is “I see the Divine in myself reflected in another”.  Decidedly this affirmation does not work for me so I shall re-write it.  “I am connected through the Divine to those around me and honor them through sharing my light and love” .  Not my best affirmation but it gets across what I am hoping for today.

Posted on 8 January '14 by , under Affirmations, Goddesses, Sacred Mists, Spirituality, Tarot, Training. No Comments.