One of my favorite stones to work with right now is Black Moonstone. Black Moonstone is the stone of the dark moon. It is considered to be a powerful stone for shamanic work, shadow work, dark nights of the soul, new + dark moon magick. There is a lot of “oomph” in this stone and one that I am finding brings a lot to the table for Priestesses.
Within this sphere, I find the ability to work through the deeper inner mysteries that are the heart of spiritual evolution. In order to truly know yourself and evolve as a person and spiritually you must be willing to face your shadow and see what lies beneath the surface. Diving into the dark can be quite scary. The energies of black moonstone help you delve deeper with supporting gentle light.
Additionally this stone is ideal for perceiving what lies beyond the veil and during the dark times of the year as Samhain approaches this is a valued tool to the witch. In my own workings I am finding that I am able to feel the energies of others more acutely and intensely. I am able to work within my own darkness to bring balance and peace to my life.
It’s a stone I cannot recommend enough if you are willing to do the hard work of truly piercing your darkness and shadow, embracing it and bringing balance to your life.
To those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me. If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen. Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program. In April of this year I decided to do something for my health. I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most. A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it. A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body. Fast forward a bit. I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer. It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.
As of today I have lost about 92 lbs. I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period. Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.
Part of the reboot includes each of these things:
- Daily workout
- Meal prep to avoid eating out
- Isagenix shakes and vitamins
- Accountability group on Facebook
- Daily accountability with my coach.
It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me. I LOVE food. I love food that is bad for me. I love foods that are good for me. I love potato chips even more. So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food? I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced. I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.
The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts. By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement. The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.
Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl. In January I am going to do a 5K again. I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do. My goal is to do it in an hour or less. If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes. I am going to start training for it and mean it this time. I will finish the Color Vibe!
So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.
This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:
- I will blog three times a week
- Monday’s will be weekend musings
- Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
- Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
- Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
- I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
- Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.
Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up. There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful. I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.
I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month. There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks. I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.
All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends. I’m digging it.
Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce. Be yourself without apologies. Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional. Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.
Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y. I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day. Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals. Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals. I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time. While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight. I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.
One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there. On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup. On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup. I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step. That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.
The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world. Guess what though? No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there. You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you. It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.
So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit? You start with affirmations. Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful. Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing. Tell yourself everyday. Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself? They go away. Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful? Wear it. Nails? Paint them! Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations. Believe them and they will be.
I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.
There are a number of things that affect our daily lives, while most of them we can honestly do nothing about. There are things that we can control and they all surround your person. You can control your energy, your attitude, your confidence and light. The world around you can and will affect the things you can control. Someone cuts you off in traffic, cuts in line, acts rudely and so on; these things will enter your sphere of joy and pop it like a bubble. All of those things that happen to us are out of our control. Where we go from the moment something “happens to us” is where our control steps in.
One of the things in my life is that I am fat. I have been fat most of my life and it’s something I always have struggled with. During my struggles I have worked out to the extreme (swimming for an hour after an hour of cardio and/or weights). I was “fit” but not thin to some degree. I was thick. Recently I decided, to stop striving for thin, to stop comparing myself to other women’s bodies. I am my own, my body belongs to the spirit that is me. I will never be thin and you know what? GOOD! I don’t need to be, to be awesome or beautiful. All I need is health, love and happiness.
So now that I have made the decision to not try to be skinny, I define what health is for me. Health for me is being able to walk without extreme knee pain or extreme back pain. Health for me is being able to keep up with my pups, my family and my friends. Health is a complete state of being where my body is as content as my spirit.
The next question is how to get to that place. For me it’s a matter of finding balance in how I eat, what I eat and exercise. In general, I tend to dislike working out for the sake of working out so I do things like mopping, cleaning, walking the dogs to feel like I am “doing something”. This is proving to not be enough so I am going to start a workout routine a little something everyday.
I am not going to get all crazy about it, I am going to go with the flow. I need fluidity in my life and path. There is movement that goes in both directions. Not only in weight and health but in the spiritual as well. It begins small with daily meditations which include a moment of healing and strength sent to the world fur use in whatever fashion it is needed. It continues with kindness, smiling and yes teaching. In the quiet moments, I am able to sit, listen to the birds outside and find that space inside that whispers, flow with me.
Sometimes the voice is so soft that I can barely hear it over the din of my own thoughts which demand my attention. The act of stillness can be quite difficult to achieve sometimes but I keep trying to get there to go with the flow that life takes me…without compromising myself. This is where my path comes in and shares it’s light from within so that I can flow as a tide. Not every time will things go my way, hell even half the time they don’t! Just don’t give up. I live with depression everyday. I struggle in life, as do many others. Your path is your own and your journey your own. Take a moment to affirm that it is yours and that comparison does more harm than any good.
You are unique. Your path unique, your experiences, everything. Lean towards friends for support, when you need to vent remind them that you are not looking for answers but just an outlet and to please simply listen and provide hugs and empathy to their plight. When we go with the flow, we can flow together for the highest good of everyone. Yes I am babbly today, I apologize for that. A cohesive thought process was not meant to be for this. I simply went with the flow of the thoughts and yes I feel more peaceful. Write. Sing. Dance. Be Alive. You are beautiful and wonderful.
Let me start by stating I am using the word fat as a descriptor not an insult to myself. Can fat be used that way? Most definitely, I have been on the receiving side of that more times than I can possibly even recount. For far many more years than I care to admit, I let the words of others define me. Perhaps not define exactly but let it color who I was. Statements like “You’d be beautiful if you lost a few pounds”, “Are you sure you should be drinking soda and not water?”, “Maybe you should skip dessert or not eat that bread”; these things hurt and eventually seep into how we see ourselves and eventually we believe these statements to be fact.
As I have moved through my life, descriptors have come and gone, a constant is that I identify as a Witch. I practice witchcraft and Wicca. I worship the Gods of ancient times. Nature is my church, my home is my temple and everything about me is meant to be a part of that sacred nature of life. I cast spells, I perform rituals, I offer grieving services, rites of passage in many forms and I also do laundry, clean kitty litter, do dishes and clean up after my dogs.
Each of the things I “do” is a facet of my greater whole. I do all this PLUS I have a job I adore at Sacred Mists, I spend time with my husband, I play video games, I exercise, I take my dogs to the dog park. You get it. I am, in short, a human on this beautiful blue and green planet we call Earth. Also a facet of my greater whole is that I like food. Yes I do get up and exercise, I walk, I drink water more than soda (now), I don’t eat sweets. I do have a weakness for tortillas and salsa. So added to the sacredness of the life I try to lead, I am also “Fat”. This is considered a dirty word. I don’t know why but it is. I’ve considered it a horrible word that can damage the self-esteem of many wonderful people.
A month ago I started working with some very good friends on an “I Feel Pretty” challenge on Facebook. It was supposed to be a few friends and I where we do little challenges to help bring our self esteem back up and stop tearing ourselves down so much. It went from a few people to over a dozen and it might grow even more, who knows for sure. The difference I am seeing, in myself is AMAZING. A month ago, I would have argued with you if you told me I was beautiful. Now I say thank you. As I shop and walk, I keep my head up more often than not. In this last instance, I have seen a difference in the way people treat me. I’ve had people come to my assistance more in stores than before and treat me like a valuable human being and not just “another fat girl trying to be pretty”. You know what? I am a fat girl. I am also pretty. I can rock a pair of leggings with a cute top like no one’s business. I can also rock a new hair cut and color like I was born to have it.
I’ve begun to see the changes in the world surrounding me and in my interactions. My confidence is becoming better again. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not worthy. Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you are not pretty. Also do not let ANYONE ELSE define who you are. Only YOU can define who you are. You are beautiful You are worthy. You deserve love. Hold your head high no matter what others tell you and know your own worth. You have something someone else does not.
Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.
For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?
Full Definition of BEAUTY
1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness
2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman
3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality
4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>
If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.
I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.
How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.
What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!
When your computer, phone, tablet and the like have problems, the first thing most people do is rebooting them to clear any lingering processes that aren’t quite closing right. Sometimes, you really just want to do that with life as well.
There comes a time that when stresses pile up, that you become totally overwhelmed and just don’t know where to start. When you are in that place, a lot of the time you just never start. Things pile up higher and higher and soon you feel buried, overwhelmed and just want to curl up for a long nap and a good cry.
When you get to this place, you cannot even truly tell you are in it but you know you are true and well, overwhelmed and feel buried beneath all the things you are responsible for. Things begin slipping through the cracks, work becomes less important, focus begins to wane and motivation, well that is gone too. I’ve been in this place lately and let me tell you, my friend that it’s not easy to overcome.
Walking through the wilderness of life you are confronted with many lessons and challenges that ultimately will enable and help you to grow to whatever may be next for you as a human or a spirit. We never know what these things will teach us, how we will react to them or what will happen on the other side. The darkness that we encounter through each is real and it can be all encompassing for a time. How do you confront that which you cannot see? How do you work through the dark night? How do you, differentiate challenge and lesson to just rotten luck? I don’t have any of the answers to these questions but I can tell you that I’ve asked myself these questions so many times to date that the answers of them, well they no longer matter to me.
The realizations that I have had have helped me get from one “nasty” spot to a place that is more beautiful by immeasurable numbers. Before I get into the grit of my experiences, I should warn you that these are simply my thoughts based on the situations that I have experienced in some form during my short life of 42 years. There comes a time in life when you just kick off your shoes and decide that you will not continue down a destructive path.
My shoes are now kicked off; I’ve had enough of the drama. There is only one-way for me and that is forward. I’m sure along the way forward I will fall flat on my face and that some things, simply will not work out the way I intend or hope. I refuse to let this slow me down or get me down.
It begins now with a health reboot. I put on my big girl panties and decided I would stop self-sabotaging my health. I am back on my bandwagon and will continue to move forward. I am continuing some very deep work to complete the righting of my “self” and spirit. Through meditation and journaling I will be working towards a healthy spirit, through diet and exercise I will be working towards a healthy body. My practices will be evolving into a new lifestyle that will serve me better.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I begin this day with affirmations. I am healthy; I am filled with spirit and light. I feel love and receive love. I am a beautiful person.
Even in our darkest hours we are never truly alone. If you open your heart, you will feel the support surrounding you. I have a vision, it’s a simple one but mine nevertheless. I want to share my experiences, I want to learn more and help those who have walked the path in the dark, thinking they were alone for far too long and offer them support and more.
This is my vision: In my this work I will combine my Priestesshood with the counseling of those who have depression or similar disorders. For years we fight alone and without the support that can be garnered by community and our Priesthood. As a result of this solitude, we often encounter fear, self-loathing and the impression we are weak. None of this is the case. I plan to bring counseling and tools to the Sacred Mists community to help my brothers and sisters, which suffer from the multitude of depressive disorders. This will be done through community, counseling and helping to provide quality information and tools to work within spirit and with both western and eastern medicinal traditions for healing. I will accomplish this through research, training and outreach.
I am in the infant phases of this at the present. I am doing the exploration right now to determine the need and desire for this very thing. In this exploration I see potential services to be offered:
- Community Support via closed forum for privacy
- IM support/counseling
- Phone support/counseling
- Spell work support with counseling
- Reiki, Spell work, Meditation support with counseling
Some of these services will be free of charge, others will carry a moderate fee for time and materials (where applicable). This of course will be offered on a sliding scale for folks who need the support but just cannot afford it. I am also considering doing this with a pay it forward aspect to it so that if you cannot afford it, with an agreement to make a love donation in the future for someone who needs it but cannot afford it, I will do the work free of charge. I’m still working out the logistics in my head and exploring the coursework that I will be taking to make this a realization. There will be a lot of research on my end as well as some psychology coursework.
In the end I think this can be great. Does this sound interesting to you? Please comment here on the blog with your thoughts and any questions. Do not reply on facebook please! 🙂