Archive for 'Looks'

From the #FatGirl that likes food

ComparisonTo those of you, that have been with me on this journey for a long time, I thank you for the love and support you have given me.  If you are just joining…strap in, it’s a rockity ride and anything can happen.  Let me summarize for those of you just joining the program.  In April of this year I decided to do something for my health.  I weighed 369+ and could barely walk without lower back + knee pain so severe that I would have to stop after a couple dozen steps at most.  A part of that decision was to begin Isagenix 30 day programs to help me maintain my loss and a support of vitamins that would go along with it.  A little while later, a good friend of mine Katie, started sharing with me her workouts she was doing with Beach Body.  Fast forward a bit.  I added in my own beach body workouts in the way of the 10 minute trainer.  It doesn’t take a lot of time and pushes me beyond the limits that I have.

As of today I have lost about 92 lbs.  I decided to reboot Isagenix as I had to stop workouts and the shakes due to being totally ill for weeks multiple times in a two month period.  Reboot started…I have pains again because I have not been caring for my physical movements the way I should.

Part of the reboot includes each of these things:

  • Daily workout
  • Meal prep to avoid eating out
  • Isagenix shakes and vitamins
  • Accountability group on Facebook
  • Daily accountability with my coach.

It’s a lot of things but the meal prep is the most important for me.  I LOVE food.  I love food that is bad for me.  I love foods that are good for me.  I love potato chips even more.  So where does this leave the #fatgirl that likes food?  I cook my meals so that they are portioned and balanced.  I eat slow cooker roasted chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, yellow rice, potatoes on occasion and pastas (whole wheat or organic) with spaghetti sauce.

The thing is, I love food so much that I will eat until I am so full that I can’t move and it hurts.  By portioning this #fatgirl actually gets the right portions of food to go along with her movement.  The most important thing for progress is eat better, drink water (need to work on that) and move.

Now for the ultra exciting thing for this #fatgirl.  In January I am going to do a 5K again.  I’ve completed it once and it took me WAY too long to do.  My goal is to do it in an hour or less.  If I can do that I can beat my worst time of an hour and forty minutes.  I am going to start training for it and mean it this time.  I will finish the Color Vibe!


Posted on 13 October '15 by , under Eff Your Beauty Standards, FatGirl, Life, Looks. 4 Comments.

There you are

Continuing on my quest for accepting myself and going against the grain of traditional beauty standards, I say to you gentle reader, be bold and fierce.  Be yourself without apologies.  Granted, that is much easier to say than follow through on sometimes but I shall continue to buck the conventional.  Some of my most recent experiences are quite contrasting in actions and reactions.

Since this whole movement towards health started for me, I have been berating myself for not doing x or y.  I have been religiously using my fitbit to the point that I feel badly if I don’t make my goals for a given day.  Even when I am sick I push myself to complete my self-inflicted goals.  Sometimes they are more like shackles than goals.  I have lost a lot of weight, and my clothes fit me so much better than they have in a long time.  While this may be true, I still have a long road ahead of me with my weight.  I don’t believe I will ever be thin but I’d like to have one less chin.

Through affirmations I overcome the years of negative self-talk and abuse.

Through affirmations I overcome the years of negative self-talk and abuse.

One of the things I have noticed, well one of the many really, is that no matter what I am wearing, feeling or participating in, I am always there.  On a good day, I might dress a little more nicely and put on some makeup.  On a bad day, well I’m in my comfies with my hair pulled up and no makeup.  I don’t wear makeup often but when I do, it adds a little something to my step.  That something is confidence, a little more “me” that I am regaining from long ago in a galaxy far away.

The thing is, that this is not easy and it’s a labor of peeling back layers and years of negative self-talk and abuse from others out in the world.  Guess what though?  No matter what is said by you or to you, at the end of the day you are the only person that will always be there.  You will always find a way to make it through and yes there may be support systems for you to help you.  It’s up to you to make the changes for yourself.

So how do you change what is ingrained into your very spirit?  You start with affirmations.  Affirm that YOU ARE good, beautiful, smart, successful.  Whatever it is you want to be, tell yourself you are that very thing.  Tell yourself everyday.  Eventually the negative and harmful thoughts about yourself?  They go away.  Does wearing makeup make you feel beautiful?  Wear it.  Nails?  Paint them!  Make sure you look in a mirror for your affirmations.  Believe them and they will be.

I’m sure there will be more about this later but this is enough of a start for now. 😉


Posted on 2 September '15 by , under Eff Your Beauty Standards, FatGirl, Life, Looks, Spirituality. No Comments.

If, and, when…

Earth Elemental by D_emo

Earth Elemental by D_emo

This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time?  Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia.  It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process.  Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed.  It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not.  Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway.  I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds.  I am now at the 75lb mark.  I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year.  Now some will applaud this and say way to go!  Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic.  Really it is.  I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.

In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro.  I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there.  The jingle can be found on YouTube  The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial.  There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents.  He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best.  This went on for years.  Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade.  The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not.  Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.

I don't remember if this was an 89 or 90 dance but this is my best friend Joy and I.  Obviously I am thicker than she is but I'm not "Fat"  The dress I am wearing is loose and swinging.

I don’t remember if this was an 89 or 90 dance but this is my best friend Joy and I. Obviously I am thicker than she is but I’m not “Fat” The dress I am wearing is loose and swinging.

When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted.  People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really.  Now the barbs got more cruel.  Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me.  You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if…    All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing.  I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy.  So I thought.

The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is.  Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer.  At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”.  There was that quantifier again.  IF THEN.  I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.

To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better.  Now we are strong and now we stand tall.  To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids.  I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way.  That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.

So today I say #effyourbeautystandards

So today I say #effyourbeautystandards

In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs.  I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this.  Losing this weight has not made me happier.  Losing this weight has not made me prettier.  Losing this weight has made me healthier.  I am the same person inside that I was.  I am still pretty.  Yes, I am fat.  Yes, I am pretty.  These things are not dependent upon one another.  I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time.  Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer?  Fantastic Dance on sister!  I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away.  I may stop there or I may continue to lose.  I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.

Fuck other people’s beauty standards.  Fuck what other people think.  Do you like it? Do you love it?  That is the only opinion that matters.  ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.

Posted on 16 August '15 by , under Beauty, Eff Your Beauty Standards, FatGirl, Growth, Life, Looks. No Comments.

Confessions of a Fat Witch


Me with my new haircut and color. I love the red and the shorter cut.

Let me start by stating I am using the word fat as a descriptor not an insult to myself.  Can fat be used that way?  Most definitely, I have been on the receiving side of that more times than I can possibly even recount.  For far many more years than I care to admit, I let the words of others define me.  Perhaps not define exactly but let it color who I was.  Statements like “You’d be beautiful if you lost a few pounds”, “Are you sure you should be drinking soda and not water?”, “Maybe you should skip dessert or not eat that bread”; these things hurt and eventually seep into how we see ourselves and eventually we believe these statements to be fact.

As I have moved through my life, descriptors have come and gone, a constant is that I identify as a Witch.  I practice witchcraft and Wicca.  I worship the Gods of ancient times.  Nature is my church, my home is my temple and everything about me is meant to be a part of that sacred nature of life.  I cast spells, I perform rituals, I offer grieving services, rites of passage in many forms and I also do laundry, clean kitty litter, do dishes and clean up after my dogs.

Each of the things I “do” is a facet of my greater whole.  I do all this PLUS I have a job I adore at Sacred Mists, I spend time with my husband, I play video games, I exercise, I take my dogs to the dog park.  You get it.  I am, in short, a human on this beautiful blue and green planet we call Earth.  Also a facet of my greater whole is that I like food.  Yes I do get up and exercise, I walk, I drink water more than soda (now), I don’t eat sweets.  I do have a weakness for tortillas and salsa.  So added to the sacredness of the life I try to lead, I am also “Fat”.  This is considered a dirty word.  I don’t know why but it is.  I’ve considered it a horrible word that can damage the self-esteem of many wonderful people.

Door Knockers from Labyrinth that says above, Don't you know it's rude to stare.  LOVE this shirt.

Door Knockers from Labyrinth that says above, Don’t you know it’s rude to stare. LOVE this shirt.

A month ago I started working with some very good friends on an “I Feel Pretty” challenge on Facebook.  It was supposed to be a few friends and I where we do little challenges to help bring our self esteem back up and stop tearing ourselves down so much.  It went from a few people to over a dozen and it might grow even more, who knows for sure.  The difference I am seeing, in myself is AMAZING.  A month ago, I would have argued with you if you told me I was beautiful.  Now I say thank you.  As I shop and walk, I keep my head up more often than not.  In this last instance, I have seen a difference in the way people treat me.  I’ve had people come to my assistance more in stores than before and treat me like a valuable human being and not just “another fat girl trying to be pretty”.  You know what?  I am a fat girl.  I am also pretty.  I can rock a pair of leggings with a cute top like no one’s business.  I can also rock a new hair cut and color like I was born to have it.

I’ve begun to see the changes in the world surrounding me and in my interactions.  My confidence is becoming better again.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not worthy.  Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you are not pretty.  Also do not let ANYONE ELSE define who you are.  Only YOU can define who you are.  You are beautiful  You are worthy.  You deserve love.  Hold your head high no matter what others tell you and know your own worth.  You have something someone else does not.

Posted on 8 July '15 by , under Life, Looks. 5 Comments.

I feel…pretty, oh so pretty…

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately and it’s something that I’ve been noticing, not only in myself but also in others that I am close to. This “thing” is self-deprecating talk. Harmful and negative self-talk seems to be abundant and a never-ending stream of, pardon the expression, smoke we blow up our own asses. Granted, not all of us have this problem but those of us that do; we are all nodding together thinking, YES. We know what we are doing is harmful to our spirit, yet we persist because we do not know how to stop.

For a moment, I am going to define what beauty is, to me. What is beauty? Beauty is the laughter of friends, family and loved ones. Beauty is the catch I get in my breath when I am talking to my husband or when he kisses me. Beauty is in the wag and smiles of my dogs. I see it everywhere I look in nature and feel it in the way the sun or wind caresses my skin. It is in kindness, compassion, joy and love. It is not always something you can see but something felt. How does the dictionary define beauty?

Full Definition of BEAUTY

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit: loveliness

2: a beautiful person or thing; especially: a beautiful woman

3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality

4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance <that mistake was a beauty>

If you are looking at the first definition, you can see that in my answer, yet when you ask any person they will lean towards number two…loveliness in something, something, well pretty. How does this fall into anything? When I was younger, I did things that made me feel beautiful. I would do my hair, I would dress flatteringly, I would do make up. Over time I have become to feel un-attractive. I feel that it is a waste of effort to go through any of the steps that would previously be something I would consider beautiful. I mean why bother? I am fat, not beautiful so any effort is wasted.

I cannot pin down when my attitude changed but I am pissed right now. How did this happen? I used to feel beautiful, desirable and even when I was fatter than I currently am, attractive. In some ways, this comes from years of untreated depression. Now, I am moving forward and SEEING these habits that I have fallen into. I refuse to let them get any worse.

How do I bring back to the front, the woman hiding inside me? I’m going to start with being more active, getting healthy (physically) again. I am going to do daily affirmations and I am going to keep my nails pretty and start doing make up…even if I am not leaving the house.

What makes you feel beautiful? Why did you stop doing it? Do you want to join me in a challenge of thirty days to a new habit of bringing your inner fierce woman back out? Let me know here or on Facebook and I’ll get the group up and going. Challenges, pictures and sharing will be a part and who knows what else I might think up. C’mon you know you want to!

Posted on 28 May '15 by , under Life, Looks. No Comments.

Back to life, back to reality.

Hann's Park Feb. 2013.  Good morning Sunshine!

Hann’s Park Feb. 2013. Good morning Sunshine!

I had wanted to start my re-entry into blogging with something positive and uplifting.  I am not sure this qualifies but it is relevant and what is happening right now.

Last weekend I went to Mare Island to participate in The Color Vibe 5K.  This is the second time I have done this particular 5K though it was in a different location this year.  The group I was to be walking with dwindled from 6 to 3 as folks dropped out for one reason or another.  I was mentally prepared for this.  Physically I would have been fine if not for the Sciatic attack the day previous that was still bugging me that morning.  I hoped with lots of stretching I would be ok.  It was not to be the case.  At approximately the 2nd of the 3.1 miles of the walk/run I had to stop.  I had been compensating to relieve pressure from my right side to my left and my knee had enough of that. I was, to say the least, disappointed.

I felt defeated and like I had failed.  I have been carrying this around since Saturday and today is Thursday.  At no point have I stopped walking in the time since.  Yes I have been kind to my body so that I could recover but I have continued forcing myself up and about to get through the physical pains and strains.  I have not; however, always been kind to myself emotionally in the last week.  I have decided that under no circumstances can this defeating self-talk continue.

It started with the words from Jennifer that were to me to be kind to myself and to walk that talk.  Change the negative to positive.  It continued with Lorien saying “fuck em” to anyone who decided to be cruel to me and let it roll off my back.  I am resolved to make this happen.  For the next 30 days.  Everyday I will say nice things to myself.  At the end of 30 days, I will feel differently.  I will have made my new habits and will walk my way from the dark.  Once again I will live in the light and joy of my life.  Hello Sunshine, it’s nice to see you again.

Posted on 26 June '14 by , under Affirmations, Community, Dark Night, Growth, Life, Looks, Spirituality. No Comments.

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

There are a great many things in life that I simply do not understand.  I’ve come to a place in my life where understanding is simply not required for all situations.  I can continue to walk my path with my head held high.  I know I make mistakes, I know I fall on my face sometimes.  And yes sometimes I take on too much, things will fall through the cracks.  I will get everything picked up and have everything running smoothly but you’d be lucky to find me interacting.  I get so busy with keeping things running in the backend that my frontend is forgotten all about.

One of the things that I have learned over the years is that I must go with the ebb and flow of my life.  There are periods of much activity in the forefront or public and periods of activity behind the scenes.  Rarely are the two periods ever in any kind of balance.  It’s either rain or shine it seems.

At some point recently I decided that it was time to begin working on changing that.  To begin working both in the rain and the shine so to speak.  I want to maintain a presence in the front and in the back.  This is going to be one of my biggest personal challenges to myself in a while.  I have to schedule time to sit and be present in forums, attend chats, visit with friends, while at the same time getting my work done, attending to my home, my family and other duties. Hmm…this should be interesting to see how it all works out.  I want to make it a habit.  Something that I can do well and continue to improve upon.  This is the emotional aspect of my healthy improvements I’ve been making for sometime.  Physically I am working on stamina, endurance and overall health.  Weight loss is a ‘bonus’ in this adventure.  My spiritual and emotional sides must also be nurtured though this.

Can’t, Don’t, Quit, Walk away…are words and concepts that are foreign to me.  I continue on no matter what.  I will make mistakes.  I will fall on my face during this.  I will also learn and improve as I go along.  This should be enlightening, terrifying and wonderful.

Posted on 23 June '11 by , under Growth, Life, Looks, Sacred Mists, Spirituality. No Comments.

In the Eyes of the Beholder…

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  This is very true for no two people perceive beauty the same and if perception dictates your reality then well beauty in your world will be very different than beauty in my world.

I find beauty in nearly all forms of life.  The ones you call ugly I will find a spot of beauty in them as everyone deserves to be beautiful and loved.

This weekend past I attended a party at a dear friends home.  This was a smaller version of the party that usually happens.  It is a fun and interesting time for sure.  I got to see some friends I have not seen in 4 years.  That is simply too long.   I digress.  The rooms are filled with people who hold beauty in their eyes and may not (and some do not at all) find me at all remotely beautiful or one of my other friends who is also a large girl.

I find this interesting.  I find beauty in all shapes and sizes.  My one friend has the most beautiful long hair and the sweetest personality and she is a big girl.  Another girl who is normal sized has the most awesome disposition and sweetness and is quite pretty too.

Everyone deserves to be adored by someone.  I am adored by my husband.  I am a Willendorf girl in shape but pretty.

You might be thin and quite pretty.  How you treat others shines more beauty through your skin than ever your looks could.  Do you treat others kindly and gently or judge them and scorn them when they are not like you?

If you treat others with gentle kindness you will find you have less stress in your life and in general attract more friendships and conversations in the world.

What am I saying?  Be kind and you will find kindness.  Pay it forward.

I’m babbling, if you made it through this babble congratulations.  I appreciate you reading!


Posted on 15 December '09 by , under Growth, Life, Looks. 1 Comment.

Hair, Appearance and Spirituality??

I wonder if sometimes personal appearance and spirituality are linked when people first meet us and sort of go “ooooh”.

Within the last couple months I have finally after many years of desiring it, put Amethyst/Violet colored highlights in my hair.  Now I must say that I absolutely LOVE LOVE the purple in my hair.  I just got it done again on Saturday and could not be any happier with how it has turned out.  The color on it is so vibrant it’s just simply stunning.  I am certain I will get a few odd stares as a “freak” but you know what?  I really don’t care.

All in all, at the end of the day I am quite happy with myself as a person and that is what matters the most.   Sure I am a big girl, sure I have adult acne,  and tattoos.  So what.  How does this all play into my spiritual life?  I do not let the preconceived notion of how I should be influence what it is that I truly am.

I walk the Spiritual Path I choose, I dress the way I choose, I look the way I choose (for the most part – though I could stand to lose some weight it’s not a driving force for me).  Every act that I do is Sacred to me.  Each lovely movement, each caress, each word, each breath, all Sacred.  I strive to be more.  I give of myself and ask only for kindness and light in return. 

So what do I look like with purple in my hair?   Super awesome!  A spring has been added to my step a lightness to my heart as I smile at each person.  I am sure I will keep this thoughtline going for a few days as right now I feel the need to clean up my desk and get it set for the coming of Fall 🙂

Posted on 14 September '09 by , under Growth, Life, Looks, Spirituality. No Comments.