When you think of balance, what do you think of? Does your mind take you to balanced perched rocks? Perhaps then a spiritual aura balance of chakra energy? Enough time in the day to do all the things you are expected to do? For most of us, we will identify with one of these concepts of balance. There are of course many others but for this, let’s focus on the most common that we feel. Personally, I experience all of these and many others! When you ask many people, what it is they seek in their life improvement, they will tell you that they would like a better balance on x, y, z. Let’s examine what balance is defined as. In the most basic definition, for this post, balance can be defined as a state in which different things occur in equal or proper amounts or importance in one’s life. Our equilibrium is at optimum and we are in a perfect state of homeostasis. This is the dream many of us have had over our years on this beautiful spinning home, we call Earth. As I continue to walk my path and evolve as a person, I begin to truly see things differently. I see things not only more precisely as well as more softly. What is this nonsense I have written?
OK, let me break it down a little bit from my perspective. The goals in my life have always revolved some sort of balance in my life. I want a better work, life balance. I want a better work, life, spirit balance. I want a better balance of ALL THE THINGS! Now, I just look at all of that and roll my eyes. Balance, by it’s very nature is precarious. If you pull just the right rock from that pile in the picture above, the entire structure will collapse and the balance, undone. If you have a precise amount of time planned in your day for travel time to and from work. Let’s say, you do not allow any “wiggle room”. You must leave and arrive at the appointed time only. You are driving to work and someone gets in an accident and now you are sitting in traffic and going to be late. You cannot apply one analogy to the other, they are completely different concepts of balance but can tie together if it is time that you seek to bring your balance of life, work, spirit.
Do you see where this is going? If one little thing shifts, the structure *can* fall. Your homeostasis is false in that you think you are balanced but what you are doing is avoiding new experiences and possibilities in rigidity and therefore your homeostasis will disappear and you will again struggle to regain that position. A grain of sand can shift the wind, the wind cannot shift the cliffside so easily. I do not know but in my head, this makes sense. I am leaving out things from my life, I am not experiencing things in order to work ever harder on this balance that is always out of reach. It is the goal of many of us, to rise to challenges and to do better than we did the day before. In this we are always seeking that balance because it’s never quite right and we can do better.
Is this process a futile practice? Definitely, not. I know I just said that it’s not attainable and as a result, would it not be understood that to waste energy in such endeavors would be ridiculous. Except, that’s not what I really said. That last part, we all read that. I read it and sometimes I type it and believe it. In working to achieve these balances, to better ourselves, we are in essence finding a balance of possibilities and experiencing new things. I still do not believe balance is possible, if we were perfectly balanced we would cease to truly learn and grow as we would not seek out new experiences. Why seek out these things when we have attained balance? Interesting and random thoughts rolling around in my head at 11pm at night when I should be in bed, with getting up for work early tomorrow.
We are coming upon the time of the second harvest, Mabon. Before going into my plans and talking a little more about Mabon, yes I know it’s not actually an old name, that it was made up to sound old and blah blah blah. I will continue to use it, because it resonates and speaks to my original roots in Wicca and new age spirituality almost 20 years ago.
As I was saying, it’s time for the second harvest. This is the Autumnal Equinox, opposite the Vernal Equinox for spring. The two days where the day is evenly split between light and dark. For me, I take this time welcome the harvest that I am reaping in this year’s magickal workings. There, of course, has been a lot going on in my year. I have seen huge changes and shifts in my own life that speak to a more peaceful and abundant future. I am working at healing myself on every level so that I can ultimately find true happiness WITHIN as well as out. It’s a lot of work.
As my shifting perspective moves from summer into fall, I come to several conclusions about the year thus far. It has been hell on wheels. It has been transformative. It has been amazing. It has been sad. It has been angry. My goals are simple, I want to be healthier, I wanted my friends to stick by me as I went through some personally trying and dark stuff. I needed people to understand that I am not going to always be right there and ready or willing to do things or even talk all the time. I have to be able to do this self-healing work. I’m sorry that my healing affected my friends. That was never my intention. I am a different person than I was even two months ago.
Every morning, I wake up and breathe deeply, thankful that I have made it to another day. Each morning, I give my family all the love I have and then I give the same amount to friends that cross my path in that day. It will not always be the same people but everyday I am sending a little more love into the world. You see, the more I love myself, the more I have to share with the world. My mind is expanding, it’s perceiving things differently and I am more balanced than I have been in years. Not there yet, but it’s happening.
This Mabon, I am going to make my red wine Mabon Pot Roast, I am going to share that with friends and family. What is left, I might just package up to give to some homeless folks. I am thankful to still be here. I am thankful to have friends who truly care about me. I am thankful to the family that loves me. I am thankful to my Coven. I am thankful to my Circle. I am thankful to my Tribe.
What are you thankful for this Mabon?
Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
I started writing this a few days ago and did not get around to finishing it…late nights working and a ton of things to do in general, aside from all that I wanted to learn a little more about the stone I am focusing on this week and that included a couple nights of meditation and sleep with it as well as lots of reading. The more I worked with the freeform Shungite piece I have the more it showed me that I needed to use it in a grid not just as a single stone of focused energy work.
To start I will share about each of the stones on the grid I am using for it right now. The Shungite is the focal piece with four jet and four lapis lazuli atop a grey agate slice. Let me tell you a little about the stones that I am using here…
What can I say about this stone? Not enough as I am still learning to work with it. For Yule this year I was gifted this lovely piece of Shungite, it’s quite an amazing energy and a large stone. The first time I touched this stone I received this amazing zing that went straight up my arm, through every cell in my body and out through the skin at the top of my head, after it filled me with this amazing light energy clearing out ALL the gunky energy that has been holding onto my light bodies. Shungite, is considered by some to be a shaman’s stone for it’s amazing energetic balancing and attraction to drawing in the light and freeing one from negative patterns at every level, down to the very molecules of who we are. This seemingly molecular alignment helps us to clear the patterns that manifest in ourselves in ways such as emotional difficulties, disease and negativity. If you are ungrounded, shungite will aid you to better connect with the earth. Looking further into the work of shungite, you can see it’s deep connection to universal energy and provides us with an aura of psychic protection. It is a stone of truth, many find themselves uncomfortable when holding, wearing or actively using shungite to lie or create falseness. Through active workings with shungite you are able to begin to let go of deeply seated feelings of shame, guilt, fear or anything which holds you back through harmful/negative influences within yourself.
Lapis is most often called “The stone of Queens”, it is known for being used in ancient Egypt as a stone of royalty. It was worn by and decorated the tombs of Pharaohs of Ancient Egypt. Lapis Lazuli carries the vibrations to awaken your path to self-knowledge to discovering truth and connection to Deity.
It is known for activating the higher mind and psychic abilities, the combination of minerals can assist in acting in accordance with your highest ideals and visions. Traditionally, it has been used to assist in connecting with the Gods and invoking divine inspiration and is also used to help with seeking knowledge and understanding. Further, it is known for use in past life exploration through gaining access to the Akashic Records. It’s a true stone of self-knowledge and reflection.
Jet is a stone for purification and protection, similar to selenite, jet absorbs energy and processes it into clear and helpful energy. Through this absorption process you can see how it is both purification and protecting as it will inhibit harmful energy for reaching in the same manner but transforms it into something usable.
Additionally, jet can be used to help discover the place where your potential and power lie. It can help you see beyond the “negative” and find the lesson of a situation and then integrate that lesson into manifestation of something “better”. Jet clears your energetic field of patterns and attachments of the negative experiences, through the clearing of the attachment you turn the experiences into the lessons (mentioned above) in order for you to perceive your self more completely and help you develop to your fullest potential.
Let’s look at the combined energy of this grid and the supporting stones I’ve added, clear quartz, smokey, pink and clear lemurians, aqua aura quartz to really get in there and support the energy of the grid. This grid is all about clearing out the inner clutter and really healing the harmful patterns that I have adopted over the years. I am retaking my sacred self. I am filling my heart with things that bring me joy and ridding the clutter, abuses of the past and making the way for the re-awakening of my entire body and spirit. Oh it’s coming and I can’t wait to share it all with you along the way.
For sometime now, I have been actively working on my “issues” that have been recurring situations in my life. Things like never feeling like I am enough, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am not this or that. As a way to combat this type of behavior in myself I am starting a jar that I will put those bottled up harmful self-speak emotions in. Once a month I am going to burn those papers until the jar has fewer and fewer instances then none at all. I am feeling that I am truly on the right path for healing.
One of the things that I do is work with my gemstones and grids frequently. This is an amazing bit of healing as they lend their energies to me so that I can work things out in a real manner and not just buried or bottled up. I have a lovely grid in the bedroom that has a red lemurian star with amethyst points and some blue chalcedony. The focus of this grid is peaceful rest with dream recall. Amethyst provides a healing, peaceful energies, while the blue chalcedony adds calming + balancing energies to bring me to center. The lemurian seed crystals used to create the star are there for divine connection, and have been programmed to instill restful sleep. With the energies combining on this grid you get an amazing bit of energy for true soul healing while connected to the divine all while sleeping.
In my workspace, I reset my grid every two weeks (at the new moon and full moon). As a result I have reset this grid today. I’ve used smokey lemurian seed crystals, red lemurian seed crystals, zoisite with ruby, bronzite, iolite-sunstone, angelite, carnelian heart, blue onyx. The grid is then surrounded with more lemurian seed crystals in red and smokey, a candle quartz and a red hematoid quartz. Zoisite with Ruby can help you with growth, healing, alleviates grief, anger and hopelessness. It’s a powerful healer to the emotional body. Bronzite can dispel negative energies, help harness self-esteem and raise it, inspires courtesy while alleviating indecision and doubt. Iolite-Sunstone helps enhancing intuitive abilities giving a sense of determination for manifestation and creation. It’s wonderful for confidence and self-assurance. Angelite helps us communicate in a clear and concise way. It’s very soothing to allow peace and
benevolence of spirit + heart. Onyx promotes vigor and stamina, as well as self-confidence, self-control and stimulates the power to make wise decisions. Blue onyx helps with our spiritual strength to get through the rigors of difficult situations. My activation stone here is a carnelian heart, once in place the whole grid becomes entwined energetically. Alone, the carnelian is in place for manifestation of highest goals and dreams. It helps overcome the fear of success and embracing of change. The energies here mix for strength, confidence, peace and healing with grounding and negativity cleansing. This grid provides me the energy to continue to work with myself and with great peace at work. I am enabled to be positive and joyful in my actions, I am confident in my abilities, I remain balanced and grounded.
In each of my grids, I feel the energy filling me up and truly helping me focus on the healing process from years of self-talk that was not healthy and to find the true me below all the masks I wear.
Cherry Quartz is an amazing + beautiful stone. There is a lot of discourse in the various gemstone and pagan communities about this stone as it is an infusion of stone and mineral that is ultimately, made by man. As this is the case with most “gemstones” that are made by man in a lab or studio setting, the dissenting opinion is that it loses it’s “magick + voice” from the natural order of the stones/minerals from which it is derived.
These are magnificent stones which are made through the fusion natural stone and mineral in what becomes a modern alchemical process, manifesting into a new stone that holds truly unique and beneficial qualities for your practice, spirit and life.
Cherry Quartz is crafted utilizing natural reconstituted quartz and cinnabar; remnants of the cutting and shaping of these two metaphysically powerful gifts of the earth. The resulting material is then melted and given its beautiful, energetic flashes of rich red in the clear quartz. The flashes of cinnabar in the quartz create striations, feathers, vortex and cloud formations. These formations within can add to the magick of the gem when looking at the shape. In the pictured point I see many feathers adding the lightness of the bird kingdom as well as fire faerie races.
Through this alchemy, a stunning and truly powerful new stone is brought to life, yielding both quartz AND cinnabar properties.
Clear Quartz is one of the most versatile and abundant stones available. Three of it’s most used and key attributes are energy amplification, program-ability and memory. Unlike other stones, which carry certain relatively fixed properties, clear quartz can be “programmed” by focused intention to help achieve a goal or purpose.
As a stone of Light, it can bring heightened spiritual awareness to whomever uses, carries or wears clear quartz. It provides a clear pathway for higher vibrational frequencies to be transmitted. Sleeping with clear quartz can enhance the vividness of dreams. Quartz can encourage clarity, enhance communication with guides, amplify psychic abilities and stimulate all chakras.
Cinnabar has associations, even before this processing with spiritual alchemy. It is said to have been used to attract abundance in wealth and support of altruistic businesses. Cinnabar assists the spiritual alchemist by stimulating psychic transformation and aids in the manifestation of spiritual energy. It also enhances spiritual perception.
Together you get a beautiful + unique gemstone with powerful magick + meaning.
Cherry Quartz brings new hope, acts as an anti-depressant, relief from anxiety, and tension. It is further considered to be used as an energy stone and a powerful healing stone for the spirit. You may find that you have increased vitality, confidence and vision in seeing things in the “bigger picture”.
Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing. YAY! With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.
For the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus. I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer. That’s to say really poorly. With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last. The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was. Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.
As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉 True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further. It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years. Yes, things are changing. I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement. Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light. My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.
A lot of things have been floating in and out of my head lately. Some of them about life and weight and health while others are about how I can, energetically and spiritually get through this dark night and continue my personal evolution. Each thought that comes to me I try to acknowledge it so that I can hopefully remember it. Right now the magick of the moment is daily practice of my path and finding health together.
What is daily practice? As with all things, it’s a matter of perspective. Each of us will find something different that is vital to our spiritual growth and well being. For me my daily practice is simple, elegant in a manner and meaningful to me.
I have a friend who has not had “sacred space” readily available for about three years. That’s not to say she’s stopped practicing just she’s been doing it on the fly and nothing of permanence has been set up for her in her own home. I took some time today to help her do some cleaning and I set up some sacred pieces for her then smudged. The house definitely felt different after the fact and I can tell that things will start to improve for her. I see things getting better. She just needed someone to come in and help her get it started after a move.
Anyway, I digressed greatly. Magick and Practice does not have to be these big grand gestures. They do not have to follow a formula or a specific set of correspondences. Do you FEEL something different? Then go with it. Spirit calls to us in different ways. Why do we have to follow the “old rules” when life changes and evolves?
Do the Gods appear differently to you? That’s ok. Is your altar set up in the North? That’s ok. Do you prefer a crystal for a wand and an antler for an athame? That’s ok too. Spirit is fluid. Some of my own personal practices go against the grain. I do sacred showers instead of baths for ritual cleansing. I use stones at the directions to correspond. I do candle magick daily and with simple candles and intentions.
Gemstones are a huge part of my practice and I ALWAYS have them nearby so that I can draw on their wisdom and energies to keep my stresses lower and my light brighter. Right now on my altar is Black Moonstone. Aqua Obsidian, Skeletal Quartz, Chlorite Phantom Quartz, Clear Quartz, Red Hematoid Quartz, Pink Lemurian Quartz. Tibetan Lemurian Quartz, Selenite, Kambaba Quartz and finally Opal Aura Amethyst. Each of these lend me their energies throughout the day for various purposes and healing. If I am feeling stressed…I just take a moment and grab the piece that calls to me and breathe with my eyes closed. It’s amazing.
If you are a fire person keep a jar candle in your sacred space and light that up every day. Jar candles such as Yankee, Ashland, and Village have amazing scents and the jars can be reused once they are finished with. Candles don’t have to be magically poured to work for intention. YOU set the intention and the purpose for it.
Now go out there and do your own wonderful, amazing and beautiful magick!
So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.
This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:
- I will blog three times a week
- Monday’s will be weekend musings
- Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
- Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
- Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
- I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
- Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.
Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up. There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful. I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.
I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month. There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks. I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.
All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends. I’m digging it.
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.