Archive for 'Death'

Changed Forever

It’s really been quite sometime since I have sat down to write.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  The holidays were lovely until just after Christmas.  The day after Christmas I got the call I’ve been dreading, Daddy’s health was failing and it was time to come  home for that.  I left the very next evening.  I still did not make it in time to see him before he passed.  In fact I was at the airport when he passed waiting for my first flight out of the two it would take to get me there.  Not an easy thing for me to deal with, especially in public.  I stayed with my mom for almost three weeks helping her through getting things done and such.  It was a time I would do again in a heartbeat.

That period for me was hard and well I finally had my good cry just recently and I can feel that the healing will truly happen for me now.  There is so much on my mind right now that I think what I will do is a blog post about each subject over the next several days.

I have days where I call mom and swear I can hear Dad laughing at some of the dumb jokes we crack and it’s a comfort to me to know he’s watching over us.

Now that the holidays are over and life is finally settling into a normal routine again I can look at myself and say that I am forever changed.  I am missing a small piece of my heart but it will grow again with the memories that I have stored in my spirit to take up that space that his physical presence once resided in my heart.

I’m healing and starting to come out from the dark at last and it’s glorious to see snippets of me.  I’ll share my progress along the way and the rituals I do to help me through the worst of the changes. 🙂

Posted on 20 February '15 by , under Death, Life. No Comments.

Memories…Past, Present, & Future

Dewy Morning Hike & the Leaf

To say that life is busy would be a huge understatement.  To say that I live a very full life, also an understatement.  I am truly thankful for the opportunities that I am afforded in this lifetime.

Now that the “disclaimer” has been stated, I’d like to get off the roller coaster for just a little while.  This year has been an INTENSE year.  There is no other word that encompasses what has happened other than intense.  Some of the highlights include wanting to move, coming to terms that I would be stuck in FL forever most likely, finding out my Dad has lung cancer, finding out my grandpa has Alzheimers and was sliding down that slope, coming to terms with smokers in my life that continue despite the health risks, realizing I cannot own another persons decision to continue doing things harmful for them, finding out we are moving after all (OMG), moving all the way across the country with my best friend (and love of my life) and a very dear friend (<3 you Jenn) and all our animals.  Now that the dust is settling and the move is done.  Routines are being drawn.

I’ve been sick twice since the move in August.  I am “wrapping up” the current cold in the next couple of days.  The lingering cough and congestion are annoying but I can taste food again and smell at last.   This year is the Year of the Dragon.  Dragon energy is about transformation and wisdom.  I’ve definitely seen the transformation happening all around me.  It’s hard to even know where to begin with the amount of transformation that I have personally witnessed.  From job changes, to family members passing, to a cross country move, to new traditions for my little family.  Everything changed this year.

Right now I am very introspective.  I recently lost my Aunt Lois unexpectedly and suddenly.  I was unable to fly out for her service.  I loved her very much (and still do!).  She has passed to the realm of angels and will look over her family until she is ready to be reborn.  Right now I am struggling very much between being sick and shedding this cold and the sadness that threatens to take over my heart.  My grandpa (Poppy) has alzheimer’s disease.  While the disease is devastating in of itself he’s also 86 and very tired.  So here I sit in California missing my grandpa, who in my head is a feisty and funny guy.  In my head I watch him and my Mammy kid around and joke it up and pick on us grandkids.  These are the memories that I will carry with me of him through all my days.  Right now he’s just tired.  I think he’s ready to move on.  I am sad that I may never see his smile and hear his laugh again but that is my loss, my feelings.  On the other hand I am very glad he is moving to the next stage of his life and growth as a spiritual being.  I hope this transition is easy for him.

So yes a huge year that has been non-stop busy and evolutionary for me as a spiritual being.  Twice a week quotes go in the Sacred Mists Shoppe Newsletter.  Today’s quote is something that I thought about and dug out of my heart and something I am working very hard at doing daily.   I wrote this for today:

The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid. ~Author Unknown

I’ve been working on what I call mindful speaking. To me this means that no word comes out of my mouth that has not been considered for choice. I endeavor to not blurt out everything that comes from my thoughts as some of the words are crass or foul and I could be better served by using the vocabulary I have at my disposal. My exercise for today is to not speak a “cuss” word and to speak from the heart and spirit in kindness and with love. Each person I speak to today will receive a compliment, a blessing or merely a smile in passing. Practicing kindness brings more kind and gentle emotions to the world as a whole around us. Will you lift spirits with me today?!

I wrote that for the Sacred Mists Shoppe Newsletter on Dec 7.  I had a wonderful day, got called into the shop due to illness and worked pretty hard all day.  It was good but lively and filled with wonderful people coming in and out of the store.

It’s been almost a week and things have not really slowed down for me.  Holiday times are always the busiest and when you throw in Christmas along-side Yule well, you get the idea. 😉

*subject change*

Yesterday was my normal day in the store and it was steady with people coming in to talk all day, which I absolutely adore.  Only one thing marred the otherwise wonderful day.  I got *the call* from my Mom.  My Poppy passed yesterday.  It was a hard afternoon for me to keep it together so I stuffed it all into a box to the point of numbness and carried on.

Now that I’ve had some quiet time to myself, I’ve been able to deal with the grief of losing his presence on this plane and move past it.  I said a little prayer for him on the way home.  “A brave warrior has fallen, not on the battlefield in war but at the ripe old age of 86.  He’s battled Alzheimer’s valiantly and need not battle the pain any longer.  May his soul be forever young in Valhalla.  I will see you again Poppy.  I love you.”  It was hard for me to get to this point and I could not say it without tears and even typing it I get a little misty.

He is in a better place, I will see him again and we will have other lives as family.  I lift my chalice to you in memory of all you have done for the family over the years.  Your laugh echoes my mind and heart always.

I’ll keep on working and getting things caught up.  I will share where I can and what I can.  May your day be blessed.

Posted on 13 December '12 by , under Death, Growth, Life. 4 Comments.

So the cycle continues…

I found out a few hours ago that my Grandmother passed into the Summerland today.

It was discovered this morning that she and her doctor have been keeping a very large secret…she had Congestive Heart Failure.

At the end of the day she decided that she did not want to continue on.  She was tired and hurting and just wanted to “go home” as she kept saying today.  I respect her decision and understand the reasoning behind it; however, I think it makes it harder for me and maybe my family to deal with it as it seems very sudden.

Sometime ago she became very ill and ended up needing to live in a Fulltime Care Facility as my parents cannot provide her the physical care she needed as they are both physically partially disabled (back and neck injuries).

She was a pretty healthy gal and full of “spit and vinegar” for quite sometime.  My mom told me earlier this week that she had another episode with her sodium dropping (which is what landed her in the facility in the first place).  She was recovering well when I talked to my mom just Thursday.

Today I was at lunch (I needed a little break) when I got back to the car to turn on my ringer, I saw I had a text.  It was from my Mom, thinking it was my daily “I love you” text I read it and my heart stopped. “Call home 911”.

Not one to beat around the bush “What’s going on Mom?” and she replied with “Grandma passed on this afternoon at about 4:20″…I could not speak, I could barely breathe, I was devastated in the space of 2 seconds.  I listened and cried while she explained what happened and that she had hidden from us all that she was really very sick.  Her room was filled with friends and family when she asked the Doctor to remove her Oxygen.  After explaining what would happen to her, she said she knew and that it was what she wanted.  She was tired and hurt and “wanted to go home”.  Towards the end of it she was in so much pain they gave her a Morphine shot to allow her to not hurt so much and slip away from this world.  She went peacefully after that.

On one hand I understand why she would want to conceal her illness but the suddenness of it is so sharp.

Tell your loved ones EVERY DAY that you love them and treasure them.  You never know when they will no longer be there.

Right now I am torn up inside and grieving for MY LOSS of my grandmother and very proud of her for making a choice of what she needed to do for herself.

I am so very thankful for the support I am getting from Lady Raven and her family while I am here visiting at the Covenstead.  I wish I was able to have my husband here with me but I know that right now it is impossible right now.  I don’t know when the Memorial is yet, I am going to try to make it back out to Ohio for it but don’t know if it is going to be possible but I’d really like to.

May my grandmother be blessed as she passes through the domain of the dead into the Summerlands.  May her God be kind to her and cradle her with love.  May the Goddess grant her peace and serenity and perhaps we will meet again in another lifetime.  She was a one of a kind wonderful woman.

Posted on 22 August '10 by , under Death, Growth, Life. 4 Comments.