Archive for 'Dark Night'

Random ramblings and thanks…

On a cool afternoon recently, I laid in the grass and grounded then centered and balanced my chakras.  It was glorious.

On a cool afternoon recently, I laid in the grass and grounded then centered and balanced my chakras. It was glorious.

We are coming upon the time of the second harvest, Mabon.  Before going into my plans and talking a little more about Mabon, yes I know it’s not actually an old name, that it was made up to sound old and blah blah blah.  I will continue to use it, because it resonates and speaks to my original roots in Wicca and new age spirituality almost 20 years ago.

As I was saying, it’s time for the second harvest.  This is the Autumnal Equinox, opposite the Vernal Equinox for spring.  The two days where the day is evenly split between light and dark.  For me, I take this time welcome the harvest that I am reaping in this year’s magickal workings.  There, of course, has been a lot going on in my year.  I have seen huge changes and shifts in my own life that speak to a more peaceful and abundant future.  I am working at healing myself on every level so that I can ultimately find true happiness WITHIN as well as out.  It’s a lot of work.

As my shifting perspective moves from summer into fall, I come to several conclusions about the year thus far.  It has been hell on wheels.  It has been transformative.  It has been amazing.  It has been sad.  It has been angry.  My goals are simple, I want to be healthier, I wanted my friends to stick by me as I went through some personally trying and dark stuff.  I needed people to understand that I am not going to always be right there and ready or willing to do things or even talk all the time.  I have to be able to do this self-healing work.  I’m sorry that my healing affected my friends.  That was never my intention.  I am a different person than I was even two months ago.

Every morning, I wake up and breathe deeply, thankful that I have made it to another day.  Each morning, I give my family all the love I have and then I give the same amount to friends that cross my path in that day.  It will not always be the same people but everyday I am sending a little more love into the world.  You see, the more I love myself, the more I have to share with the world.  My mind is expanding, it’s perceiving things differently and I am more balanced than I have been in years.  Not there yet, but it’s happening.

This Mabon, I am going to make my red wine Mabon Pot Roast, I am going to share that with friends and family.  What is left, I might just package up to give to some homeless folks.  I am thankful to still be here.  I am thankful to have friends who truly care about me.  I am thankful to the family that loves me.  I am thankful to my Coven.  I am thankful to my Circle.  I am thankful to my Tribe.

What are you thankful for this Mabon?

Posted on 21 September '16 by , under Circle, Community, Dark Night, Depression + Spiritual Counseling, Growth, Holidays, Kitchen Witchery, ritual, Spirituality, Wicca. No Comments.

Time flies…when you are down.

Hi there folks!  I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence.  To say that life caught up with me?  Well that would be a gross understatement.  We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.

In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways.  My path has deepened.  My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection.  I am content again.  I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand.  I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.

I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value.  I do deserve happiness.  I deserve feeling and being beautiful.  What does this all mean?  Well I am doing new things.  I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start.  I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot.  Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me.  What do they know that I do not, about myself?  Pretty much nothing.

Who am I?  I am a witch.  I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy.  I am loved.  I love.  I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me.  These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down.  The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not.  Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself.  I lost a few friends along the way.  People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point.  Guess I was fooled.  That hurt a bit.  I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for  anyone other than myself and how I react to things.  I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to.  I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.

To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth.  It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person.  To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings.  I love each of you…my friends past and present.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life.  I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

In this moment, I thank everyone who has ever been in my life. I offer you my love and genuine thanks in this blessed moment as I transition to what comes next.

Posted on 31 August '16 by , under Beauty, Community, Dark Night, FatGirl, Growth, Life, shadow quest, Spirituality. No Comments.

A weekend of healing…

Today at long last, I am starting to really feel human again. The herbal supplements my sister-in-law sent me are really adding some nice bits of symptom relief and healing.  YAY!  With that in mind I am back on board with life, writing and so much more.

chime-blessing-new-yearFor the last week, going on two I have been fighting (and losing) the battle with a nasty virus.  I have been feeling like hammered crap on a tin roof in the middle of a hot and humid summer.  That’s to say really poorly.  With the addition of the naturopathic supplements to the rest, fluids and time needed to get through this I am feeling significantly better at last.  The last week and a half have been absolutely miserable as I waded through dizziness, coughing, sneezing, headaches, congestion, and much more, often not realizing what time or even day it was.  Now from the other side of the worst of it, I can see that I truly need to do some serious work on improving my immune system.

As I walked the land of dreams and in between when I was not fully physically present in my body due to the virus, I discovered a great many things about myself with the help of my therapist. 😉  True healing is happening finally and I can say without doubt that the layers of pain are beginning to close up and make that wound a scar that will not open any further.  It’s knitting back together as spirit and body work together for the first time in years.  Yes, things are changing.  I am releasing to the wind fear, anxiety and judgement.  Blowing into my life I call courage, confidence and light.  My health and spirit are in transition to growth and concretion of that sacred space within.

Posted on 18 January '16 by , under Dark Night, Growth, Life. 2 Comments.

Musings on the weekend + the new moon

at Hann's Park under a Willow tree near the stream

at Hann’s Park under a Willow tree near the stream

So this weekend was a pretty busy one…then again they all seem to be busy. I have started to really work with gemstones and some very personal workings that I started earlier this year. I am feeling a real difference.

This weekend I made a few decisions that I can share with you:

  • I will blog three times a week
    • Monday’s will be weekend musings
    • Wednesday will be Gemstones + Magick
    • Friday will be freeform whatever comes to mind.
  • Starting with the new moon tonight I am digging in deeper to some much needed shadow workings.
  • I wrote the ritual for tonight and it’s great. LOL
  • Daily House of Night Oracle draws are back on.

Aside from all of these decisions I am starting to feel the fog of an ongoing Dark Night of the Soul begin to lift up.  There is still work to be done but the fog is not as thick as it once was and for that I am grateful.  I am feeling some real joy in life and the world around me as the depression that has hung on in this dark night starts to alleviate some of its stranglehold.

I started preparing for guests arriving at the end of this month.  There is not a TON to do but there is enough that I want to do it in small chunks.  I got a lot of old dog toys tossed out, started going through some of the excess that is in the front room and will be doing some serious cleaning in the room that used to be the office.

All in all there is a lot of progress going on in both life and spirituality that seems to get kicked up on the weekends.  I’m digging it.

Posted on 12 October '15 by , under Dark Night, Growth, Life, meditation, New Moon, ritual, shadow quest, Spirituality, Wicca. No Comments.

Never alone…

Wallpaper found on Wallisty

Wallpaper found on Wallisty

Even in our darkest hours we are never truly alone.  If you open your heart, you will feel the support surrounding you.  I have a vision, it’s a simple one but mine nevertheless.  I want to share my experiences, I want to learn more and help those who have walked the path in the dark, thinking they were alone for far too long and offer them support and more.

This is my vision: In my this work I will combine my Priestesshood with the counseling of those who have depression or similar disorders. For years we fight alone and without the support that can be garnered by community and our Priesthood. As a result of this solitude, we often encounter fear, self-loathing and the impression we are weak. None of this is the case. I plan to bring counseling and tools to the Sacred Mists community to help my brothers and sisters, which suffer from the multitude of depressive disorders. This will be done through community, counseling and helping to provide quality information and tools to work within spirit and with both western and eastern medicinal traditions for healing. I will accomplish this through research, training and outreach.

I am in the infant phases of this at the present.  I am doing the exploration right now to determine the need and desire for this very thing.  In this exploration I see potential services to be offered:

  • Community Support via closed forum for privacy
  • IM support/counseling
  • Phone support/counseling
  • Spell work support with counseling
  • Reiki, Spell work, Meditation support with counseling

Some of these services will be free of charge, others will carry a moderate fee for time and materials (where applicable).  This of course will be offered on a sliding scale for folks who need the support but just cannot afford it.  I am also considering doing this with a pay it forward aspect to it so that if you cannot afford it, with an agreement to make a love donation in the future for someone who needs it but cannot afford it, I will do the work free of charge.  I’m still working out the logistics in my head and exploring the coursework that I will be taking to make this a realization.  There will be a lot of research on my end as well as some psychology coursework.

In the end I think this can be great.  Does this sound interesting to you?  Please comment here on the blog with your thoughts and any questions.  Do not reply on facebook please! 🙂

Posted on 26 February '15 by , under Dark Night, Depression + Spiritual Counseling, Growth, Sacred Mists, Training, Wicca. 2 Comments.

Onward + Upward

This is  my path, my manifestation, by my will so mote it be.

This is my path, my manifestation, by my will so mote it be.

Yesterday, I shared a very intimate part of my life…my ongoing battle with depression.  The thing about depression is that we always think we are alone and we are the only ones that are suffering when this is actually far from the truth.

I look back on the years of self-seclusion and realize that I could have been getting better support all along if I had simply opened up.  That is not as easy as it sounds of course.  We are always our worst critics and sometimes even enemies when it comes to things like this especially.

As a result of this I am going to spend time to focus on this within my own spiritual community and try to meet the needs of said community to help us all grow together.  This of course will not be something that I can accomplish overnight as it will require a great deal of time, study and hard work, which I am not afraid of.

This just FEELS right to me and it circles back with what I wanted to do in high school in some ways.  Yes this is the way.

Posted on 25 February '15 by , under Dark Night, Growth, Life, Sacred Mists, Spirituality, Wicca. No Comments.

A Witch & Depression

Shining light into the darkness and shadows...River in the campground we stayed at...a beautiful time to be in nature.

Shining light into the darkness and shadows…River in the campground we stayed at…a beautiful time to be in nature.

This is a scary thing for me to admit and it’s something not many people know but here it is.

I have had depression for most of my life, dating back to high school.  Then it was considered hormones as I grew into my adult life, then it was considered “all in my head” where no one wanted to treat me.  I eventually broke down several years ago and made my doctor listen, his response was “I don’t think you have depression and it’s all in your head.  Here are some mild anti-depressants take them as long as you want or not at all and stop whenever you want”, never once did he ask me about it again.  They did not help…they turned me into a zombie with zero emotions going through life with no joy or anything at all.  I stopped taking them.

At some point I have tried many different herbal remedies and ultimately had some successes for brief periods with them.  They never lasted long.  For years I struggled and became a shell of myself though I am easily able to hide it by turning myself “on” when I am out in the world.  Only an empath might be able to tell the difference.  I was very good at hiding except when I was at home.  Many years passed and thoughts became darker and darker until I decided that if I did not do something about it, those dark thoughts would win eventually.  I searched for a new doctor, it would be my first attempt since we moved to California.  I was a wreck right up to the appointment with panic attacks and fear of a repeat performance of the last time I tried (which now was about ten years).  I sat in the examination room and when the doctor walked in, I felt a sigh of relief within my spirit.  Something told me THIS doctor would listen.  I spoke to her about many of the things I was experiencing.  She listened to my horror stories of past doctors.  Ultimately, she diagnosed severe depression with social anxiety.  Thank the Gods!  Someone finally listened and I can get some help.  We worked on a treatment plan and since that day in December I have been back in the office several times for evaluations.  By taking a chance I saved my life with her help.

Now a lot of people have always said those that are on medications that alter their chemical composition should not practice witchcraft.  I have never understood this.  Having depression and getting treated does not mean you are incapable of connecting with deity and spirit.  I have found quite the opposite.  I have worked with deity to help me through the worst spots and even now when I have a bad day, and yes I do still have them but they are much better, I turn to spirit to help me through it.  My mental processes are much more clear and positive than they have been in years.  I truly feel other emotions now than just sadness, anger and depression, the others are returning to me and I have found as my chemical balance is restored that I can connect much better to spirit, to deity and to other people through my gift of empathy.

Am I alright?  Not yet but I can see a light in the tunnel at long last and the feels are real.  Working with spirit helped save my life before it got too bad, working with my doctor saved my life when it was too bad for me to make it on my own any more.  I feel no shame in having done these things, though I am aware that people will look at me differently now that the “truth” is out there. It is but once facet of who I am.

I am a living, breathing, healing witch.  I walk my path everyday and with every breath I feel better, with every interaction I smile and with every smile, hug and laugh…I know I am on the right road.

Posted on 24 February '15 by , under Dark Night, Growth, Life, Spirituality. 2 Comments.

Back to life, back to reality.

Hann's Park Feb. 2013.  Good morning Sunshine!

Hann’s Park Feb. 2013. Good morning Sunshine!

I had wanted to start my re-entry into blogging with something positive and uplifting.  I am not sure this qualifies but it is relevant and what is happening right now.

Last weekend I went to Mare Island to participate in The Color Vibe 5K.  This is the second time I have done this particular 5K though it was in a different location this year.  The group I was to be walking with dwindled from 6 to 3 as folks dropped out for one reason or another.  I was mentally prepared for this.  Physically I would have been fine if not for the Sciatic attack the day previous that was still bugging me that morning.  I hoped with lots of stretching I would be ok.  It was not to be the case.  At approximately the 2nd of the 3.1 miles of the walk/run I had to stop.  I had been compensating to relieve pressure from my right side to my left and my knee had enough of that. I was, to say the least, disappointed.

I felt defeated and like I had failed.  I have been carrying this around since Saturday and today is Thursday.  At no point have I stopped walking in the time since.  Yes I have been kind to my body so that I could recover but I have continued forcing myself up and about to get through the physical pains and strains.  I have not; however, always been kind to myself emotionally in the last week.  I have decided that under no circumstances can this defeating self-talk continue.

It started with the words from Jennifer that were to me to be kind to myself and to walk that talk.  Change the negative to positive.  It continued with Lorien saying “fuck em” to anyone who decided to be cruel to me and let it roll off my back.  I am resolved to make this happen.  For the next 30 days.  Everyday I will say nice things to myself.  At the end of 30 days, I will feel differently.  I will have made my new habits and will walk my way from the dark.  Once again I will live in the light and joy of my life.  Hello Sunshine, it’s nice to see you again.

Posted on 26 June '14 by , under Affirmations, Community, Dark Night, Growth, Life, Looks, Spirituality. No Comments.

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Posted on 7 April '14 by , under Dark Night, Life. 2 Comments.

A harvesting time

Today was an interesting beginning to my morning reading.  The Eight of Wands appeared again so I chose two more cards for a more complete message for today.  Next I received the Eight of Swords and finally the Seven of Pentacles.

The Eight of Wands, as previously discovered, signifies the beginning.  A desire whispered to the winds, a decision sent to the universe to be made manifest.  We see a great undertaking which has been started.  To me this shows the beginning of when we decided to move from Florida and begin to find ways to make it to California.  The desire, whispered on the winds, the decision to definitely make it happen made.  The universe began to place things in our path to make this happen for us.

The next card pulled was the Eight of Swords.  This card filled me with so much emotion looking upon it.  The first thing that is drawn to the eye is a swan that is struggling with brambles and stuck.  Pain is being inflicted.  Looking closer at the card you see the background which resembles to me, the Dark Goddess.  The swan has begun a walk on the path of shadow, a Dark Night of the Soul is taking place.  During the dark night you are faced with challenges which will either force you forward through will and aid or you will falter and fall into the brambles to be added to the discarded remains of those before you, that have undergone this journey.  As you struggle, you take more damage to spirit and body.  Becoming frantic only makes matters worse and the pain increases.  You want to give up and walk away from the pain when you notice it.  Just above you a light, a messenger in the form of a hummingbird.  At the insistence of the hummingbird, the swan stops struggling.  The hummingbird is representative of the light ahead.  You have struggled for so long, you are about to be rewarded with the completion of this Dark Night.

The next card pulled was the Seven of Pentacles, a card of completion, accomplishment and relaxation.  The seeds which you whispered on the wind so long ago have grown and blossomed.  They have been fortified for strength through the Dark Night, they have been given the gift of light and fertilized with hope and joy.  This is a time for harvest.  Appreciate the growth that has come as you began this journey.  The time for work on this has passed, your seeds have grown to fruition.  It is a time for calm moments, consideration and the alternatives of a new path which now lays ahead of you.

What an amazing reading today that signifies everything that we have been going through as this phase truly comes to a close.  In two weeks time I will be making my way westward.  There is much mundane work to be done between now and then for packing, loading and various visits with friends and family as we prepare to leave the East Coast.  This is all a part of the harvest.  We are ready to gather up that which we have created this year as Lughnasadh approaches quickly and in this time of the first Harvest we will be granted our desires and a prosperous new journey to undertake.  I look forward to new challenges and a new direction for life.  I foresee a healthier and happier time ahead filled with new spiritual and mundane challenges which I eagerly plan to gobble up.

Posted on 19 July '12 by , under Dark Night, Growth, Life, Spirituality, Tarot. No Comments.