Hi there folks! I realize that I’ve probably lost anyone who still followed my blog in my once again absence. To say that life caught up with me? Well that would be a gross understatement. We have arrived on the final day of August in 2016, it’s 10pm Pacific and I am sitting here with an amazing amount of thoughts rolling through my head.
In the last little while, I’ve been through so much and have really spiritually grown in new and fantastic ways. My path has deepened. My crystal healing work is continuing to grow in terms of knowledge and overall collection. I am content again. I am going to start working out again via BeachBody On Demand. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and really working on myself and the world around me.
I realized, not that long ago, that while I may not believe it, I do have value. I do deserve happiness. I deserve feeling and being beautiful. What does this all mean? Well I am doing new things. I am starting small with things like my hair, my wardrobe and working out at least 5 days a week to start. I am writing a lot, I am learning a lot. Above all, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am not for any of the qualifiers that people put on me. What do they know that I do not, about myself? Pretty much nothing.
Who am I? I am a witch. I am fat. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am loved. I love. I have some really fantastic friends, who when I was at my absolute lowest, they stood by me. These are the people that lift me up instead of tear me down. The friends who helped me when I fell, the ones who stood for me when I could not. Beautiful spirits, each one of them that stood by me when I could not stand by them because I was broken and struggling to regain myself. I lost a few friends along the way. People that I thought would stick by me, when I reached this low point. Guess I was fooled. That hurt a bit. I am not going to let it keep me down. Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for anyone other than myself and how I react to things. I won’t defend myself, I don’t need to. I will not justify myself or my absence, I don’t need to. I will stand and know that I have come through the gates of Tartarus and emerged stronger, smarter and a different person.
To everyone that I have EVER known, whether present in my life or not, I thank you so much for your contribution to my growth. It was through your season(s) of friendship that I have emerged on the other side of this a different person. To the folks who are still with me, I cannot say, words are so inadequate, how much you have meant to me as I navigated these dark corridors of my shadow workings. I love each of you…my friends past and present.
This morning, when I woke up, I had an old 80s jingle run through my head. You know the kind that brings up nostalgia from when you were growing up and take you back to that time? Let me just say that it was not the happy kind of nostalgia. It was not the way that I really wanted to start my daily thought process. Still, I woke up and stretched a bit then got out of bed. It was much later than normal of course but that is because I have been in bed sick for days now and I am so over it but not. Before I digress, I wake up with that jingle and start my day anyway. I get on the scale and yet again it’s gone down another few pounds. I am now at the 75lb mark. I have lost nearly one third of myself and have lost a small human child of fat, in under a year. Now some will applaud this and say way to go! Truly it is an amazing thing and it is for my health and well-being so it’s fantastic. Really it is. I’m going to share a story with you this fine Sunday from my early years.
In the early to mid 1980’s there was a dog food that was put out by Purina called Hi-Pro. I was 10 when the jingle came out and it followed me into high school then things got more cruel from there. The jingle can be found on YouTube The text that scared me is the first part of that commercial. There was a young blonde boy in my neighborhood, we’ll call him Thomas because that is the name he was given by his parents. He would see me various times during the day and sing “My dog’s name is xxx and she’s got the hi-pro glow”, when you are 10 being told you are a dog is unpleasant at best. This went on for years. Let’s compound that with that I was the first girl to need a bra (3rd grade), wear a D cup in 7th grade. The girls thought I was something I was not and the boys REALLY thought I was something I was not. Effectively, I shut myself down emotionally to friendships.
When I hit high school, I never really fit in any one group of people and had a very small group of real friends who I truly trusted. People who were close in elementary were no longer close, this is to be expected really. Now the barbs got more cruel. Girls (and boys) grew more bold in their comments about me. You would be really pretty if… you would be hot if… All those comments revolved around my weight OR my personal taste in clothing. I’m a bit odd and always have been and I was comfortable with that when I was younger but now it was in the way of me being happy. So I thought.
The thing is, when you are younger, it is everyone’s desire to fit in and be a part of the in crowd or whatever the hell that is. Well those people often said cruel things or in general excluded because I did not fit into their standards of popularity or fashion any longer. At the end my senior year, a casual friend’s brother said to me (while I was at work), “You know xyz would date you totally if you’d lose maybe 10lbs and then you’d be smokin’ hot”. There was that quantifier again. IF THEN. I’d be dateable IF, I’d be hot WHEN, I’d be pretty IF.
To my younger self that woke up crying this morning inside because of a jingle that a cruel child sang to me 30 years ago, I say I’m sorry we were not strong enough at the time to weather through that better. Now we are strong and now we stand tall. To Thomas, who sang that jingle to me so many times over the years, I say to you that with all sincerity I hope you do not have a daughter who has one millisecond of the emotional pain that you put me through when we were kids. I hope you are blessed with beautiful and perfect children so they have the best things in every way. That is not sarcasm but an honest blessing.
In the last six months I’ve lost 75lbs. I know I mentioned this earlier, but there is a reason for this. Losing this weight has not made me happier. Losing this weight has not made me prettier. Losing this weight has made me healthier. I am the same person inside that I was. I am still pretty. Yes, I am fat. Yes, I am pretty. These things are not dependent upon one another. I can (AND SO CAN YOU) be fat, happy and pretty all at the same time. Do you dance to the beat of your own drummer? Fantastic Dance on sister! I have placed weight goals on myself and my ultimate is about a hundred more pounds away. I may stop there or I may continue to lose. I will decide as I get closer what I wish to do and I ask my friends to respect my decision for whatever it is, it is right for me.
Fuck other people’s beauty standards. Fuck what other people think. Do you like it? Do you love it? That is the only opinion that matters. ROCK ON WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF AND WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.