Balance in All things

I profess a deep respect for balance in everything.  I also state that I feel balance between Shadow and Light, God and Goddess are required for me to have a balanced and centered life.  Why is it that time and time again then that I struggle with connecting and actually having a Patron God?

My Coven, Sacred Mists, has a Patron God & Goddess in Cerridwen and Cerrunos; however, the Goddesses which call and are starting to demand my attention are Hecate, Hera and Persephone.  It has continually plagued me for several years now.  I search, I call and yet Gods seem to simply shrug at me as if they know I am here and just simply aren’t interested in me.

I finally broke down and talked to my High Priestess, Lady Raven Moonshadow, today about it.  Our path has a balance of Male & Female energies, at least that is what we strive to do.  It’s bothered me to the point that I have been feeling rather like an imposter giving lip service to the balance.

In talking with her a couple of very valid points were brought to the forefront of my mind.

It is perhaps not that they aren’t interested in working with me but that they do not have anything to teach me at this time.  In talking to LRM, she theorized that my youth  set this stage on many levels.  Let me try and explain this so that when I come back to this later, I will remember more clearly.

Growing up, I was a tomboy for many years.  I always had more friends that were boys than girls.  I was ‘one of the guys’ for a VERY long time.  Even into puberty this remained the same, even if some of the boys attitudes changed a little about me.  I got in fights, I hung out with the guys and had a general good time.  Girls were catty and mean.  As far as the Men in my life, I had my step-father whom I have never considered a step father but a Father.  My birth father, was nothing more than a Sperm Donor for most of my youth and even into my adulthood.   He never wanted to be a part of my life, despite me crying out for his attention on a regular basis every single summer when I visited.  He always chose my step sister over me, his first born child.  I never asked him to make this choice, for the record he did this of his own free will.   This often left me pained with the feeling of being unloved & unwanted in his family.

Throughout my adult years I have fought this tooth and nail, trying to be involved in his life only to be left out in the cold time and time again.  I finally gave up and am in a happy place without him in my life now.  I accept that his lack of involvement has nothing to do with me but everything to do with him.

Continuing on.  I am very in touch with my own masculine side.  Logic tends to rule and fight constantly with emotion.  It stinks being an emotional Aries and being able to logically see that the emotions are exactly what they are and yet being unable to stop them or reason with them.

Balance *is* good in all things.  Dark/Light, Shadow/Bright, Masculine/Feminine  Why do I continue to get stuck?  Why do I continue to PUSH it?

Working with Goddess energies and Goddesses just seems right to me.  Getting in touch with both sides of my Feminine feels right.  Perhaps this is where I need to focus now and I should stop trying to force something out of myself that simply will not be forced.  I know where my masculine lines are and know how to use them.  It seems like in this time, in this place I need to focus on my feminine lines & learn how to live and love them.

I am going to take Lady Raven Moonshadow’s advice and let up on myself.  I am going to stop forcing it.  I am going to experience all the wonders that these Goddesses who are ‘breaking my doors down’  wish to share with me.  I am going to allow those wonders to unfold and envelope my life.

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Posted on 12 August '08 by , under Feminine, Goddesses, Gods, Training, Wicca.