Archive for February, 2013

Life, Spirit and Magick

My beautiful smoky quartz point sitting atop a light box.  You can see the fairy inside if you look closely enough. :)

My beautiful smoky quartz point sitting atop a light box. You can see the fairy inside if you look closely enough. ūüôā

I wanted to continue my train of thoughts from last November.  They felt incomplete and only a glance at what I do everyday and what it truly means to me.  To be able to live a meaningful life that is an embrace of my spirit is what this life is all about for me.

My struggles surround my inner critic that I am never good enough and that my abilities are never enough. ¬†While I always¬†strive¬†for improvement of myself I, it does not mean that I am inadequate. ¬†This last statement is always my hardest thing to get through. ¬†It seems to me that I am always struggling in some way with feeling “not enough” and I really am trying to work through it. ¬†I know the root cause of it and quite frankly it’s bullshit that I let something that happened decades ago still affect me. ¬†Yes it’s also true that, the event which triggered my feelings of inadequacy has been added to through jobs and careers that were not a good fit for me.

Over the years I have been told I am not good enough at X,Y or Z and that I should find something else that I may be good at. ¬†Well I am done with that thinking…really trying to be done with that thinking. ¬†It sounds easier than it really is.

Keith & I at Muir Overlook in 2012

Keith & I at Muir Overlook in 2012

I’m really not sure the exact moment that my spirit decided to turn things around, but I’d wager something in me really clicked and started changing once I got out of FL. ¬†I remember the moment that I looked in the mirror and recognized my divine spirit shining again as it emerged from the darkness. ¬†Nothing overly spectacular really…I was driving down 29 on my way to Napa to get to the store. ¬†I had the windows down in the car, radio turned up and listening to NIN. ¬†I caught a glance of my face in the mirror as I used it to change lanes and was astonished at what I saw. ¬†In it I saw a smile. ¬†In it I saw me for the first time in years.

My spirit began shining enough that I could see it each time I looked into the mirror for any reason and has continued to shine through all the twists and turns of life. ¬†Why now? ¬†What changed? ¬†I mean besides from the move ALL the way across the US. ūüėČ ¬†A lot has actually changed.

As you all may know this move has been truly transformational for me. ¬†With every decision we make, every day that passes I feel so much more. ¬†Not every decision has been “good” or “easy” but each infused with spirit and the magick of life. ¬†Not in many years, have I truly felt the peace that resides within my heart right now. ¬†My love, my joy continues to grow day after day. ¬†In general everything I do brings some joy to my life. ¬†My craft is filled with manifestation. ¬†My creativity is bursting at the seams wanting to be used and it shall be used! ¬†Every dish I cook filled with magick, love and joy. ¬†I cook so much more right now than I have in a great many years and I haven’t enjoyed it the way I do now in a really long time.

Right now, things are a little tough for me emotionally, as you may have read in my last blog post.  Even with this tough decision, I know it was the right thing and will continue to work on moving past it.  Each day I manifest something wonderful in my life.

Walking in Hann's park, early in the morning, I get to see and hear the world as it awakes and nature begins her day filled with the sounds of birds singing and even owls getting ready to turn in for the day.  Magick & Joy everywhere!

Walking in Hann’s park, early in the morning, I get to see and hear the world as it awakes and nature begins her day filled with the sounds of birds singing and even owls getting ready to turn in for the day. Magick & Joy everywhere!

How do you live with so much creativity and magick at your fingertips wanting to be used? ¬†Carefully, with intention, with joy and love. Sounds easy but it’s not, have to work for the highest good of everyone involved in any situation and sometimes that means letting go.

Everyday I work to let a little something go. ¬†It could be a thought, a feeling, a piece of hurt. ¬†One of the biggest things that is the hardest for me to “let go” is my feelings of being inadequate and not good enough for whatever reason it may be. ¬†At the end of the day I am a pretty awesome person with an awesome heart and a huge amount of love for the people in my life. ¬†I will make mistakes, I will forge on and make new mistakes. ¬†I may repeat some patterns, but eventually I will break those harmful patterns.

My quest for living a spirit filled life has led me to live in the most beautiful place I could imagine with friends nearby and opportunities to make new friends.  I try to learn from the examples those who have gone before me set, to learn from my own mistakes and to learn from the students I interact with each day.  A little piece of me fits back into place and the jig saw puzzle that was my heart and my magick is slowly fitting together into a beautiful picture.  I guess in some ways the last year or so of my life has been a very long Dark Night and I am emerging into the light and finding great promise, beauty and opportunity at every turn.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

Me on 2-27-2013 as I was working in my living room before I left for Napa for work stuff.

It truly is helpful that I get to do things I love to do for work. ¬†It helps that I try to find a silver lining in every situation now. ¬†It helps that I have a few very close friends (to my heart not necessarily in distance) that are always there when I fall down and help me back up. ¬†Spring is upon us and I feel great growth and¬†manifestation¬†coming. ¬†In a month and a half I turn the wheel of my life and hit a major milestone. ¬†I am looking forward to this amazing growth. ¬†I guess I am just babbling a bit today and I will call this entry done for now and leave you with a smile, a blessing from the heart and a wish of joy. ¬†May your day be filled with love, laughter, joy and magick. ¬†May you find peace and prosperity, May your life be full. ūüôā

 

Posted on 28 February '13 by , under Growth, Life, Spirituality. No Comments.

When tough decisions are made…

It’s hard to say really what is worse, knowing you are going to be faced with a hard decision or actually MAKING that decision or even still living with the decision. ¬†Over the last several months it’s been increasingly obvious that Tyr (our lovely tortie female – yes I know Tyr is a male name but it fit her perfectly) was absolutely unhappy with her life with us.

Tyr when we first brought her home...She was about 3 years old and very small (she did not stay that way).  At 5 and a half now, She's positively cute and slightly plump and super sweet.  I hope she's ok.

Tyr when we first brought her home…She was about 3 years old and very small (she did not stay that way). At 5 and a half now, She’s positively cute and slightly plump and super sweet. I hope she’s ok.

How could I tell? ¬†Since we’ve moved she has had more “outbreaks” than she has had in the last two years…seemingly once every two weeks and sometimes more frequently. ¬†While there were times that she would be perfectly fine and social, other times she would hide for days…barely coming out for us to see her eat. ¬†Even with the prozac keeping her more even it was simply not enough. ¬†She would take to peeing on the carpet in the office…and really nothing is harder to get out of carpet than cat urine.

We kept working with her trying harder and harder to help her feel comfortable and content. ¬†As time wore on the episodes of happy Tyr became fewer and fewer. ¬†Ultimately, for the last month, I’ve been cleaning the carpet by hand every other day to keep it from soaking in. ¬†A decision had to be made and we could not put it off any longer. ¬†I really could not keep up with the level of cleaning required and it was making all of us miserable, not just her.

I began contacting various local rescues…all were full and could not offer much in the way of advice, a couple never even got back to me. ¬†By the time this past weekend rolled around I was so unhappy and was cleaning daily. It was clear she was positively miserable…not even coming out if we were in the room anymore…not even for food.

I think I cried a whole lot on Thursday night and got really drunk to try and just relax enough to sleep. ¬†Friday was super busy as I was in Napa…came home to a mess in the office including poo on the carpet. ¬†Called a couple other places. ¬†We were positively miserable on Saturday waiting for our first appointment in Vacaville for the SPCA to assess her to see if she would work in their environment. ¬†After the assessment I felt defeated and totally deflated. ¬†We made a couple stops at different Petco’s to talk to some rescues (that had not returned my calls or emails). ¬†One offered to let me sit with them on Sunday to try and adopt her out since their fosters were full. ¬†The other offered assistance and for me to try something first.

The advice was sound. ¬†Tyr was a feral cat when we got her…maybe she’d be happier with us as an outdoor cat. ¬†I was against the idea as she never really seemed to want to go outside for any reason at all but was willing to try it. If she did not like it they would take her and get her a good home.

We set out to give her a safe haven in the back yard (fenced) with places to be warm (electric cat bed), blankets, enclosure and hidey hole.  Then we took her out to them.  She stayed in the warm enclosure for two days.  Then she left.

It’s been three days now and we’ve not seen her at all. I can only hope that we did the right thing and that she has found what she needed from someone nearby. ¬†We’ve left places in the yard for her in case she comes back. ¬†This was the hardest decision we’ve had to make for the family in years. ¬†The other cats seem more chill and happier without the stress of my beautiful Tortie. ¬†Tyr I hope you found a loving home that will take superior care of you for years to come.

Posted on 27 February '13 by , under Life. 2 Comments.

Fat Girl…Hiking?!

A lovely shot of me and Ariyana as we round down one of the bends heading back.

A lovely shot of me and Ariyana as we round down one of the bends heading back.

In my continued quest for health, we have taken up hiking. ¬†We love being outside so much and have enjoyed, what I now dub “mini-hikes” in Hann’s (Vallejo) and Alston (Napa) so much that we wanted to branch out and try new places and things. ¬†This sense of adventure led us to a place that many months ago we visited and knew we would want to come back…Muir Beach.

Now, make no mistake I am a fat girl with knees that ache and a complex the size of the state I live in. ¬†My “complex” involves a lot of internal bickering regarding what I am capable of and what I am going to do. ¬†On one side we have the nay-sayer girl who likes to remind me that I have two bad knees, backaches and foot pain everyday. ¬†The nay-sayer girl will tell me over and over again that with my physical problems, it is¬†understandable¬†and OK if I give up early and at anytime because it’s expected that I cannot do these things. ¬†Then you have the Goddess Girl, this girl is the one that reminds me that ¬†I can indeed do anything I put my mind to and why look at what you’ve already done so far today girl, you are pretty awesome let’s see what’s up ahead.

On one of the incline breaks I stopped to snap a few pictures.  It's just beautiful

On one of the incline breaks I stopped to snap a few pictures. It’s just beautiful

As I make my way through the early part of this trek along the Coastal Trail I was feeling overly confident as the ridge was fairly close to the ones I’ve walked before at Hann’s and Alston. ¬†We rounded through a couple switch backs and while I needed to stop¬†occasionally¬†it was not more so than normal or any different than a normal time at Alston, for example. ¬†Then I saw it. ¬†The first steep incline. ¬†OK I can do this I thought, it’s like the one last week at Alston Park in Napa. ¬†I got this! ¬†We get to the ‘flat’ point and I stop to look around as I rest for a moment leaning on Lariah (my hiking staff) and am in awe of the beauty around me. ¬†I mean I’m hiking small mountains along the coast of the Pacific Ocean. ¬†It is just absolutely perfect. ¬†I have always felt balanced the most when I am near the water and to be near the Pacific while in the mountains, it just boggles my Florida trained mind. ¬†I mean you can’t have mountains and ocean together…Florida is so FLAT and boring. ūüėõ

Ariyana and I looking at the Ocean on one of my breaks.

Ariyana and I looking at the Ocean on one of my breaks.

I think it was by the third incline that I really started to have problems. ¬†They were not so much as physical problems but emotional problems. ¬†Remember the NSG (nay-sayer girl) I mentioned earlier? She was up to her tricks, whispering in my ears that I could stop anytime that really there was NO way I’d be able to do this. ¬†I was near tears with those whispers, I really wanted to keep going in my heart. ¬†The GG (Goddess Girl) was whispering a titch louder and told me to turn around. ¬†LOOK at how far we’d already come and we could absolutely make this hike and own it.

I picked my head up, tapped Lariah twice on the ground for Blessed Be and hit the next incline. ¬†The struggle was completely internal for the next two slopes to much the same results. ¬†Two taps and onward. ¬†As we made our way through the trail I kept the GG in the front and two taps kept me moving. ¬†All told I think there were like 6 or so steep points that I pep talked my way through each ‘landing point’ and eventually we came to the “fork” in the trail. ¬†One way went up towards Coyote something or other and the other onwards towards Pirate’s Cove. ¬†By now, you can imagine, I was spent and starting to hurt physically. ¬†I’ve walked a mile with lots of uphill steep slopes to conquer. ¬†Each one seemed a little steeper than the last and here at the fork I can either keep going or I can turn around.

We sit for a bit and have a bar and some water.  Soaking up the environment.

We sit for a bit and have a bar and some water. Soaking up the environment.

I walk ahead a little to get a look at what the next half mile is going to be like and it involved steps. ¬†STEEP STEPS. ¬†OK time to sit down and have a LunaBar. ¬†We sit for about fifteen minutes or so and it’s just so lovely out. The sun is really getting high in the sky finally and I’m feeling the sun bore into me. LOL

When it’s time to get up, I walk over to where the steps are (about 50 yards or so away) and look down. ¬†Test my knees and realize that it would be wise to stop now. ¬†So we turn around. ¬†There is a little hill to the left that has a nice steep incline but promises to have an amazing view. ¬†Not quite ready to give up we tackle the little incline here. ¬†I make it up with only one stop and then a brief pause for some water. ¬†Once we get to the top, yes it is absolutely amazing. ¬†I am so very glad we decided to stop here for a few moments and just watch the surf and the waves far out in the Pacific roll. ¬†There’s a bird calling somewhere nearby. ¬†It’s not a caw so it can’t be a crow, it’s a different call, and I look and it looks like a lone Raven from the distance. ¬†It lands on a rock down the slope from where we are sitting so I snap a shot of him. ¬†Beautiful bird.

A raven, maybe lands on the  rocks below where we are on our "extra" incline stop.

A raven, maybe lands on the rocks below where we are on our “extra” incline stop.

Time to move on. ¬†The way back is a lot faster and I have to be a lot more careful since on the way down I am really working my quadriceps which is pulling on my knees. ¬†Yes there will be pain later but it is so worth it to me. ¬†On one of the VERY FEW stops on the way out, I asked Keith to take a picture of me. ¬†That’s the one up top. ¬†It came out kinda nice. ¬†The camelback straps make me look like I don’t know several balls of dough stacked on top of each other or something. LOL ¬†Whatever, I don’t really care how I look because I am doing something I want to do for my health.

I took a lot of pictures and have not even started “cropping” or sizing them for the web yet. ¬†The pictures in this post are exactly as I took them with my Nikon CoolPix camera on the hike just shrunk for size. ¬†If you click the image it will take you to the full version of the picture unaltered.

Keith and Ariyana on one of the early incline breaks (the sun is not all the way up yet)  She really enjoyed chasing the ball uphill

Keith and Ariyana on one of the early incline breaks (the sun is not all the way up yet) She really enjoyed chasing the ball uphill

One of the fun things we did at a couple of the stops was take Ariyana off her leash and throw her ball uphill.  She really enjoyed this and would chase it and run back to us.  It was a great time for her I think.  She was so tired when we got home she really did not want to move much but to eat.

Once we were home and had some lunch (it was only about noon by the time we got home), I sat in a bath tub of hot water and worked on my knees some.  After that I felt much better and it was time to relax for the day.  We played Borderlands 2 for a couple hours and then went to bed really early since we got up at 4am to get the day started.

A look towards Muir Beach on our way back.

A look towards Muir Beach on our way back.

Would I do this again?  Oh hell yes I would without question do it again.  I am thinking we might like to make this a weekend thing and do it every weekend.  It was so amazing and only maybe an hour away.

I am sure eventually the NSG will shut her whisperings only to leave the GG in charge of our hiking. ¬†It will be a struggle to shut the NSG down but I will overcome the years of programming I have put on myself to be healthier and really, that’s what this is all about.

Posted on 11 February '13 by , under Life. 4 Comments.