Archive for August, 2010

So the cycle continues…

I found out a few hours ago that my Grandmother passed into the Summerland today.

It was discovered this morning that she and her doctor have been keeping a very large secret…she had Congestive Heart Failure.

At the end of the day she decided that she did not want to continue on.  She was tired and hurting and just wanted to “go home” as she kept saying today.  I respect her decision and understand the reasoning behind it; however, I think it makes it harder for me and maybe my family to deal with it as it seems very sudden.

Sometime ago she became very ill and ended up needing to live in a Fulltime Care Facility as my parents cannot provide her the physical care she needed as they are both physically partially disabled (back and neck injuries).

She was a pretty healthy gal and full of “spit and vinegar” for quite sometime.  My mom told me earlier this week that she had another episode with her sodium dropping (which is what landed her in the facility in the first place).  She was recovering well when I talked to my mom just Thursday.

Today I was at lunch (I needed a little break) when I got back to the car to turn on my ringer, I saw I had a text.  It was from my Mom, thinking it was my daily “I love you” text I read it and my heart stopped. “Call home 911”.

Not one to beat around the bush “What’s going on Mom?” and she replied with “Grandma passed on this afternoon at about 4:20″…I could not speak, I could barely breathe, I was devastated in the space of 2 seconds.  I listened and cried while she explained what happened and that she had hidden from us all that she was really very sick.  Her room was filled with friends and family when she asked the Doctor to remove her Oxygen.  After explaining what would happen to her, she said she knew and that it was what she wanted.  She was tired and hurt and “wanted to go home”.  Towards the end of it she was in so much pain they gave her a Morphine shot to allow her to not hurt so much and slip away from this world.  She went peacefully after that.

On one hand I understand why she would want to conceal her illness but the suddenness of it is so sharp.

Tell your loved ones EVERY DAY that you love them and treasure them.  You never know when they will no longer be there.

Right now I am torn up inside and grieving for MY LOSS of my grandmother and very proud of her for making a choice of what she needed to do for herself.

I am so very thankful for the support I am getting from Lady Raven and her family while I am here visiting at the Covenstead.  I wish I was able to have my husband here with me but I know that right now it is impossible right now.  I don’t know when the Memorial is yet, I am going to try to make it back out to Ohio for it but don’t know if it is going to be possible but I’d really like to.

May my grandmother be blessed as she passes through the domain of the dead into the Summerlands.  May her God be kind to her and cradle her with love.  May the Goddess grant her peace and serenity and perhaps we will meet again in another lifetime.  She was a one of a kind wonderful woman.

Posted on 22 August '10 by , under Death, Growth, Life. 4 Comments.

In the Twilight…

The last few weeks have have been pretty stressful as I have mentioned previously.  It has been chaotic to the extreme.  Each day is spent in a flurry of activity and running from one task to another.

Tonight we got off at a decent hour, which was truly a delight and a rarity.  I am hoping that if we can meet our weekend goal tomorrow we might get a full day off on Sunday.  This would be a true blessing as we are all working extremely hard to bring the store up and we have one week to do it as we open on the 27th.

This opening is the culmination of nearly two months of work since I have arrived in Napa.  The work has been long and difficult and often lonely as I do miss my husband terribly.  In the last nearly two months I have learned a great deal about myself and my own goals and path.

My Great Work is one of teaching, learning, counseling and healing.  I am devoted to Sacred Mists and Lady Raven.  She has been an amazing teacher and mentor over the last eight and a half years.  There are several of my fellow students who also have inspired me to reach higher and grow in ways that I have never imagined.  I am a very different and significantly less angry person than I was eight years ago.

It has been humbling and blessed to have my friends, old and new travel this path with me.  They inspire me, they challenge me and they provide me their shoulders when I need them.  Though I have had many challenges over the years that test and try my ability to trust and just be myself, I find that as I emerge in the time of Dawn, that so long as I am true to my instincts, I cannot be led wrong.

Yes I may not listen, yes I may get hurt.  Through it all I learn and grow.  That is what my path is all about.

Last night before bed I sat with my Amethyst point and free-form meditated and in that meditation I found moments of ah-ha and peace.  I will repeat the actions tonight and tomorrow, while I will be LOW on sleep, peace will be found and the day will be filled with laughter and light.  Even if I become frustrated I will simply bring myself back to center, re-anchor and keep on moving.  Like a surfer catching a wave, I will stay ahead of the darkness and allow the blessings of the Goddess to enter into my life.

Afterall, I have many reasons to feel blessed.  I have a family that loves and supports me, it has gotten bigger since I came to California.  It is lovely to be surrounded by a family that is wonderful, loving and supportive yet at the same time will tell you when you are being stupid and trying too hard or doing too much.

Today my affirmation will be:
I am surrounded by family, love and the blessings of the Goddess.

I will draw on the Goddesses I have worked with over the years once more to regain that which is lost, that which is hidden and to live with love and joy.

For you, I wish for you to be surrounded by joy and laughter today and all days.  Be blessed and well.

Posted on 21 August '10 by , under Goddesses, Growth, Lady Raven, Life, meditation, Sacred Mists, Spirituality, Training. 2 Comments.

Transformations

As I mentioned in my last posting, I have been undergoing an intense amount of personal transformation as I work on finding my footing in a new environment.

At work I have many new things I am learning many new systems trying very hard to get it all down and understood so I can document and train everyone else on the how’s of doing things.  I am also learning how to do more on the shipping and receiving side so that when I am here I can pick, pack and such to help out there if it is needed.

Opening day is approaching extremely quickly.  I am still in catch up mode.  I end up working on some tasks in what I call catch up spurts so that every other day I grab some tasks and to do’s and work through them steadily until they are done and then I move on.  In a way it’s not entirely the most pro-active way to handle things but with all the extra tasks on top of my job it simply must be done until we actually open.

I have been undergoing a great many changes since I left home 1 month and 18 days ago.  One of the most important realizations that I have seen is that I cannot (CANNOT) leave home for this long ever again.  I miss my husband more than I can ever elaborate.  I am extremely thankful for the support that my boss has given me through the tough times I have been through since getting here.  Her support and love has seen me through some rough spots that I could not have handled easily alone.

When one loses a friend there is a great deal of sadness that envelopes the heart.  Things may happen and people may grow apart but nothing to me is more shocking than to suddenly lose a friend that I considered one of my best friends.  I have not reached out to her regarding the situation.  Frankly I am a little afraid to do so.  I do not know that what I would say would be heard and taken to heart.  Everything I have ever done is from my heart.  I give and I take.  It’s mutual.  I cannot do one without the other.

I recently purchased a new App for my iPod that allows me to read a daily inspiration card for both Power Animal Oracle by Steven Farmer and a card from the Legacy of the Divine.  I think the time has come that I being to walk the Fool’s journey and truly take in it’s lessons in a manner that is not so traumatic.  I feel like The Fool of the Tarot as I walk through this Journey of life.  Growing and encountering people who make lasting impressions on my life.  Each impression becomes a part of my spirit and thus they become a part of me…regardless of the outcome of the friendship.

I know I am not perfect, far from it.  I act and react like any human being can and often does.  I try to rise above pettiness, jealousy, anger yet sometimes find myself smack dab in the middle of each of those things and from those experiences I grow and become a better person and a better friend to those that remain.

Where is my path taking me?  What lies ahead as I near the end of my third degree with but a small thing left?  I truly do not know.  Perhaps it is to take the Fools Journey and re-kindle my love of working with herbs.    The one thing I see for certain is that in my journey and through this path I am very much the Fool with a spark of the Magicican as i stumble and work my way through each experience with my friends and fellow Covenmates.

perhaps my road should be traveled in part alone.  perhaps I trust too easily.  Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…I do not know the answers as to what direction my journey will take up next but I do know that I will not be alone in it.  Each of you are a piece of my heart and spirit and I carry you there.

No matter what happens, it will always be this way.

I have taken a vow of spirit in this lifetime that leads me towards my own evolution and towards a place where I can find myself and truly be.

No matter where my vows take me, I will remain a steadfast and forward person.  I will be where I am wanted and needed and in the end that is all i can truly do.  It is at this part of my journey that I let thjings go.  I release them and see what lies next on this path.  No more doubt, no more sadness, no more pain, from here on out I walk with my head high and with love in my heart.  I will watch my moods, I will be mindful of the words I choose and the energy I release.

The amethyst point on my bed is vying for my attention and wishes for me to turn off the light so I can meditate a bit with her.  Perhaps a Journey is in store for me this night.

I will make an effort to write more often and be a better friend.  Like the amethyst geode which awaits the violence of discovery, I have been discovered and now I will work on being pure to myself, to my path and to my friends.

May peace find your hearts and fill your spirit.

Posted on 20 August '10 by , under Growth, Life, Spirituality, Training, Wicca. 3 Comments.

A Rose by any other name

Lately I have been feeling wilty not at all soft and velvety the way a rose should feel.  This stems from many places and please forgive me if this post is a little all over the place.

About two weeks ago my life was thrown for a terrible and ugly loop.  Something I had faith in and counted on was stripped out from under my feet.  This was a true shock to my system and one I have not fully recovered from yet, though I continue to try to do so.

I tend to freely trust people until they prove to me that they are no longer worthy of my trust.  I have spent the last two weeks looking at why I need to change this policy.  Even when you know someone it seems you cannot really know them.

The sting of discovering someone is not what they appeared, said they were or even that they were your ‘sister’ or friend for life, to find that emotions and vows mean so little to people truly makes me sad and even angry in some ways.

If you have a problem with me COME TO ME don’t commiserate with people about it.  Even if you think you can’t and that I might take it wrong.  Come to me and we can talk about it and work it out.  I am not unreasonable.  Yes I have high standards, yes I expect people to live up to them if I let them in my life.  This is not an easy place to be and sometimes when I am repeating myself multiple times I do get frustrated but it’s just part of being a human.

I think I have learned a great deal from the opportunity that has been presented to me a couple weeks back.  I have some very strong work ethics and will work around the clock to make things right and good and I expect the same from others who work with me.  Perhaps this may be unrealistic or unfair and is something I will be working on.  My standards for myself will not change; however, I will find better ways to communicate things to those around me to ensure that it is well understood what the expectations are so that individuals can make up their own minds as to whether or not they can meet the demands of a given position or workload and if they cannot, I will happily work with them to achieve their own goals and try to work them in with  my own.

It’s been a very hard place for me to be in as I know that people do not like me, do not believe me or do not want to do either.  I am who I am.  I cannot own your feelings or ethics, but I can own my own and I vow to do better for myself and those who work with me so that I can continue to grow both personally and spiritually with peace in my heart.

The pain that has been caused is extreme; however, I have moved past it and will continue to grow from the experience for sometime.  I wish nothing but the best to everyone and that will not change.

For now, I am going to call it a day and tomorrow is a brand new day filled with the potential for greatness and beauty.

Posted on 13 August '10 by , under Growth, Life. 1 Comment.