Archive for December, 2008

The Dying, Death & Comfort

Over the last couple of years I have noticed what at the time and occasionally still is a somewhat alarming trend in the people that are in my life.

 

In February of 2006 a very good friend of mine succumbed to Pancreatic Cancer.   This was a 20m battle that was fought valiantly by a very wonderful man.  The man, Barry G was my boss, a good friend and a hell of a guy all around.  In November of 1998 he asked me why he should hire me with no experience in the internet field.  I told him with great confidence that by taking a chance he would gain the  dedication of a self-starter who had to that point taught herself html, how to use and research on the internet without ever using AOL in a few very short months on a dial up connection.  I told him that I would use that self-starting habit to continue to teach myself with a strong work ethic and a desire to learn and grow.  He hired me.  For nearly 8 years he was my boss, my mentor and my friend.  We shared jokes, business trips, family gatherings and jokes.  (yes I mentioned it twice for a reason)  Throughout his battle with cancer he remained remarkably upbeat and fighting it.  This cancer is 100% fatal within a maximum usually of 5 years.  He made it nearly 2 before he could fight it no longer.  His health decreased very quickly when he came out of remission and within 4 months of the cancer returning he was dead.  The last several weeks I spent every single day visiting with him at his home.  Joking and talking with him.  Helping lift his spirits when they were down and looking at research for his cancer.  In the end it won as it always does.  That last week was very hard on his family and friends.  I was there holding his hand every day some days not knowing if he even knew we were there.  I read to him, told the Musical Therapist from Hospice to play Hotel California (he loved the Eagles) and not the sad sappy folk shit.  I read the stories and wishes from his co-workers in the journal I created.  I watched him smile and come in and out of awareness.  It was somewhat comforting to be able to hold his hand when he needed it, I know he knew I was there.  To this day I still miss him and I am not sure I would have made the decision to leave the company had he not died.  We both grew in spirit in those last weeks by leaps and bounds.

 

Earlier this year I played midwife to my sweet Familiar Megan as she battled Chronic Renal Failure.   Her story has been told…in brief…this is it.  On 6/21/2008 we did the one thing I never wanted to do, yet knew was inevitable.  This past week was a sharp decline for Megan. Throughout the week she threw up intermittently, became oddly wobbly. Thursday night she started throwing up every few hours. This went on all Friday. Friday morning she was ‘weird’ Wobbly, and twitchy. She laid in her sunbeam all day and refused all food. We tried, throughout the week the antacids which are to help reduce stomach acid and help her eat, nothing helped. Weight loss took a hard incline and she lost yet more weight.  We knew what she was saying in our heads but our hearts were not ready to listen.   When the vets office opened we made the call. They made room for us to bring her in. I seriously LOVE our vets.  We spent the morning after sunrise outside with Megan being just a cat again.  We visited the vet’s office, arriving with Megan in arms @ 8:30. We talked with the vet for a bit, they took her away so that she could get the IV port put in her tiny leg.  The little things at home are very weird. Her favorite ball on the floor.

Not having her race me to the bathroom and tripping me.  Not having her *in* the bathroom with me for Megan Bathroom Brushing time.  Not calling out Megy Noodle Nut butt and seeing her run for us.

No Megan Hip @ bedtime… In time it’s supposed to get better. I don’t know. I miss my daughter.

 

At the present a very good friend of mine has Cancer (two actually but this story first).  Friend, we will call her Mia, to protect her identity, has Cancer in her Kidneys (stage 2).  Mia originally had Uterine Cancer and they did a complete Hysterectomy to not take chances with it spreading to her other girly bits or further.  Unfortunately it had apparently spread already.  A year later they find it in her kidneys.  She is a wonderful person with a big heart and a load of responsibility which she takes more seriously than her health.  How many times can you tell someone they are killing themselves by not getting chemo and the related cancer treatments?  It’s selfish I realize for me to want my friend to be around into our old age.  We have overcome a great many things in our friendship and I love her to bits.  I’d like to be able to tell her naughty jokes when we are grey.  Pure selfishness.  I try to save. 

Friend 2 who we will call Eve, to protect her identity,  had Cervical Cancer.  I am stating had here because she was treated recently and told that they got it all.  This is good news.  The not good news is her waiting 6+ months to get it removed because she could not take time off from school and work while she was working on her Thesis.  I understand this I truly do but what good is it if you end up dead in a year or 3?

 

It was mentioned to me by my High Priestess, Lady Raven, that it seems like I draw people into my life who are battling some major illness of one kind or another as I have a comforting way with people.  Perhaps I should stop trying to save them and simply be there for them as it is entirely possible that I am meant to act as a midwife to those passing in this life. 

This is daunting for me.  I love my friends and truly hate to see them in pain and yes I am selfish and want them to be alive for me to spend time with them.  What if she’s right?  How do you handle living when surrounded by the dying?  I think I can do it and be there for them and help them through whatever transition they need to go through.  What kinds of marks does this leave on me?  Does this mean I am meant to cry constantly in loss of friend and loved one alike?  I know death is but a transition to the next life and that this life of ours which we treasure is fleeting in the grand scales of the world.

 

Is this a purpose that I can devote myself to?  Can I truly help people in the crossroads find their way with comfort?

 

Something I will have to give great consideration to because it certainly feels s if this is the case…

 

Posted on 18 December '08 by , under Life, Training. No Comments.

UPG phenomenon

For many years I have been struggling with many aspects of my own faith.  I am an Eclectic Celtic Neo-Wiccan belonging to a tradition & Coven that is Progressive in many aspects.  Yet I continued to struggle with the aspects which in cases make it Eclectc and Progressive.  For example my previous post on Diety, struggling with working with both God and Goddess.

In recent weeks I have come to realize that God and Goddess is but a facet on the One Unknowable Energy of Creation.  I am using Creation to describe the all encompassing acts of Creation (via death and birth).  In this unknowable we, as human beings, struggle to understand the aspects of life, creation and living.  We wrestle with the ideas of why are we here, what are we, what are we meant to do and many other similar thoughts and questions.  In reality I am not sure that answers even exist for these questions.  If answers did exist it is something that our spirit knows yet we will never know consciously. 

Anyway as we walk our various paths and our lives connect with others and the web of life vibrates and shimmers in the morning light, we experience everything the world has to offer in our own unique ways.  Those of us who follow a path that involves some sort of Deity, we often have conversations with Deity.  We will pray, meditate, make offerings and pledges.  We put a face on our Deity so we can come to understand it more, we humanize the unknowable.  Through humanization (past and present) we make manifest a facet of the Unknowable and bring that into creation and the light.  At some point, Hecate began as all beings begin a human or spirit that grew and became more.  I am using Hecate as an example here as she is the current Goddess who I am beginning to work with.

As a Goddess of Crossroads and Lunar Goddess she began as a wise woman.  A witch and throughout centuries her facet of the Unknowable Universal Energy became a True facet or reflection of the Universal aspect which she was molded from and became an Living Embodiment of that, strengthening the connection to the Universal One and the connection to those who she calls to her side and path for learning opportunities.

The whole process I am finding to be quite amazing in the short life I have to live it under.

I walk the path of an Eclectic/Celtic Wiccan.  I am comfortable with the Eclectic Nature for I understand that each is but a facet of the One and All.  Many have problems with eclectics, but I will leave that conversation for another day 😉

Each day I am given opportunities to teach and to learn.  I am given an opportunity from the One to become More than I was born as.  I feel my spirit evolve and grow.  Friday I was presented an opportunity to step into the Role of High Priestess for my Coven.  It should be stated that I am *not* a High Priestess YET, but merely a 3rd Degree Dedicant in my coven.  My Coven is progressive and teaches online making us truly world wide with our students ranging from the US to Australia and more.

This chance was simply to state that the High Priestess was going to be cancelling the Sacred Pathways Service (a weekly service on bringing and manifesting into your life, using your path and living your path).  While on the phone with her she told me what she would be covering and asked me to provide some information on it to the Students there. 

I will admit I was nervous, I always get nervous for a moment or two when I step into her shoes.  Not because I can’t do it, I can, but because it’s irrational fear of failure and messing up.  Totally irrational and I always keep moving because I know this.

I entered the chatroom and greeted everyone there.  I let them know that Lady Raven would not be able to join the Service as she was in a meeting and simply could not break out of it.  As I typed these words the nervousness melted into nothingness and I just started speaking to the students of the current Perpetual Prosperity project they are working on.  The words just flowed freely from my fingers (much like they do now) and questions were asked and answered.  All in all I did VERY well and was able to accurately answer questions on the project though I have not participated yet, but could do so because I speak to Lady Raven regularly one on one about these things.  I felt like a High Priestess.  I felt as if the Goddess spoke through me, connected me to the core of what has been taught so that I could answer the questions and take it to the next level.  It was fabulous.

I know that my reaction to many things comes down to UPG.  I can accept that.  I do not require outside verification on everything that I do and experience.  Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to UPG you just have to accept it on faith that it is what is meant to be.

Next topic I think will be about my attraction to those who are ill or dying and the potential for being a midwife to those crossing over :O  I am not sure how I feel about it but we shall see what comes of it.

Until next time…Blessings to you.

Posted on 15 December '08 by , under Training. No Comments.

Moments…

Ever have those moments where you are invisible in your path? By this I mean you see the path but not how you fit into it…Yeah I am having one of those weeks I suppose. Hard to really describe it. I am always so busy with doing things that the quiet moments are never really quiet anymore. I hundreds of things flying through my head all the time. Right now it is because I want to do a good job and make sure Yule gifts get out but it is done so sacrificing my community interactions and hell even student services is suffering right now. I know that this is only temporary and I must go with the flow and not against it, yet I still yearn for some quiet time. I’d like to get my next lesson but that means I need to find time to get the sign off on my current lesson and how is that possible when we are both so busy with work stuff. *LOL* I am sure the answer is staring me right in the face and I am just not seeing it. Either that or the whole thing is in my head.

Every so often I find a struggle and realize that it is all in my head and in order for me to continue to grow as a Priestess, Wiccan and woman I must learn from these experiences and move past them. Sometimes this is far easier said than done.

I wonder what lies down this way for me? *smile & laugh*

Posted on 10 December '08 by , under Training. No Comments.