Archive for October, 2008

Life’s Trials and lessons

Today’s Blessing: Friendship, Life’s Trials are all among the best blessings.

Last night I went to spend the evening and overnight with a dear friend of mine. Recently she has just had a hell of a life. She has cancer, it’s metastasized into her right kidney and to top it off she’s terrified @ night until she gets the locks on the house changed. A couple weeks ago her Dad beat the snot out of her (which angered me greatly because she is a wonderful woman). Her husband is working overnights right now and well I went to stay with her last night. That means very little sleep for me *LOL*, but that’s ok. She has done the same thing for me in the past and honestly without friends we merely walk through this life as an empty vessel.

Anyway it was good, I am glad I got to have some quiet girl time with her and the dogs and cat.

With this and everything else going on, it was just nice to go and be. Of course it took a little while for her to stop trying to do stuff for me, “do you need anything” “thirsty” “snacky?”.

All this aside I am eternally grateful for you all. I walk my path with my head held high and hoping that I inspire someone, anyone to try, to do better, to research more to evolve themselves and not be afraid to redefine themselves as their path in life grows.

Wiccan, DMS, Pan, Fae *Squishes you all tightly* Your friendship means the world to me and everyday I grow a little thanks to that friendship.

The greatest benefit and sometimes the greatest adversity in this path is when you walk ‘solitary’ save for online connections you never really know if what you have learned is actually helping anyone else when you post it. My greatest wish is to help others along this path and help their growth. You guys made me CRY when I sat and read each thing you all said. You started it Wiccan and it was all :'( from there. But tears of extreme joy because you all reminded me that while I may walk alone sometimes I am never really alone.

Each day I gain a little piece of myself back. The reclamation has been going on for longer than I have been posting about it. I started as soon as I left Verio and each day more and more of “me” returns.

The pieces previously posted about…they are LARGE pieces that require me to actually pay attention and do what I am being led to do. That’s hard sometimes. 😉

Posted on 10 October '08 by , under Training. No Comments.

Faith & Trust

Again my thoughts are very introspective as of late.
For many months now I have been in a perpetual state of depression. It ebbs and flows much like the tides do but never really has receeded. It’s becoming quite tiresome in many aspects. I am tired of crying. I am tired of not being happy. I am tired of not wanting to leave my house. Above and beyond all that, I miss who I know I am and who I am meant to be.

I’ve begun the slow and arduous task of taking myself back. To begin I am going to start having a little more faith and trust in those around me. I have faith that I will not be led astray, I will trust the words that people tell me. I speak from my heart and spirit always and I have been burned many times knowing that people do not always do this and I cannot live my life in this fear any longer. I am giving up my fear, my lack of trust, my lack of faith in others. This is going to be so hard! *laugh*

The first step in reclaiming myself I am taking up my crafting again. This means a very good friend of mine and I are going into a side business venture which will hopefully fly well and we will be making lots of awesome things that I hope to be able to bring to the Shoppe (if they come out how I envision them yall will love them). Aside from this I am going to learn how to let go and let loose and dance. I said this late last year, I said this earlier this year. Without the fear in the way. I.Will.Do.This.Somehow.

The second step in my reclamation of self will be walking with my head held up instead of staring at my feet. Don’t laugh, this is hard for me. I am not a skinny girl. I hide myself because of that simple fact. Guess what world. I am fat. Deal with it.

I’m not sure what is really going to happen with this; however, I am doing what I feel I need to do in order to be myself again. I’ve been lost before, its not a place I want to continue to be.

Posted on 9 October '08 by , under Training. No Comments.

My mood is only Okay today. I’m in an odd sort of headspace right now. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own thoughts, my emotions and their impact on others.

I always try to do the best thing and take the high road in what I do and say. I never, ever utter the words “Love you” without meaning them from the deepest places of my spirit. I don’t lie, I don’t try to cover my ass. I learne a long time ago that these things do not do anythign other than harm myself and I simply refuse to do it. If I’ve done something, I own it. No sense in hiding behind someone else or circumstances. Example, there was a situation where I missed an IM note regarding something important and did not copy it down. 8 days later it came up. No excuse, I missed it, let me fix it now and move forward. I messed up, I fixed it. I serve myself and others much better, I believe by owning my mistakes and learning from them a greater good and continued evolution of self occurs.

I try to see things from all sides before making any decision that is impacting to me or others as best I can.

I do not know really, I struggle with wondering if people really understand that I have no alterior motives other than serving. When I say Blessings, it is meant. When I say I love you it is meant. When I say I am concerned it is meant. You see the pattern by now I am sure.

We must really embrace each day as if it were our last and live it fr the highest good of ourselves and one another. In the end we have nothing but ourselves our love and friendship and the lessons we have learned in this life…

 

My new favorite quote, wrtten by me:
Life is not always Black and White, sometimes you have to walk in shadow or in greyscale to really see.

Posted on 2 October '08 by , under Training. No Comments.

Misc. Thoughts

I’ve been giving a great many things a great deal of thought the last few weeks. Including my own life and path.

 

I have decided that for the time being I am going to not renew my Massage License with the state. It costs too much with too little enjoyment for me right now. This does not mean I cease to be a Massage Therapist, only that I become a free massage therapist for my friends and those close to my heart.

 

Aside from this my work schedule is finally stabalizing now that I am caught up and this is a wonderful thing and something I am truly greatful for. The really (REALLY) long days were taking a serious toll on my health and well-being.

 

I plan on setting up a time to meet with Lady Raven to work on my current 3rd Degree lesson. I am feeling a deep stirring in my heart and spirit. Something is coming and transforming.

 

No more ignoring the calls when they come, even if I don’t know enough (In my opinion) about those who call. I am picking up the phone Hecate & Hera. Ready or not, it’s time I answered them.

 

Yes I realize this is disjointed for anyone other than me…sorry

Posted on 1 October '08 by , under Training. No Comments.