It’s been a rough month for the Pixie. I’ve been busy writing an Esbat, taking a couple fun witchy classes taught by my HP, trying to get my house in order for guests that will be staying with us in July, planning a trip to Illinois for my Brother-in-law’s ordination as a Lutheran Minister in June, dealing with some not-so-awesome folks that live down the street…the list goes on and on. Some of the stress was from good things, some not, but the thing that effected my peace of mind the most? Mothers Day.
Its impending arrival was the main reason why I haven’t posted to the blog in the last 2 weeks. It was at the forefront of my mind, and I just couldn’t bring myself to focus on it until other things were completed….so I pushed it back. For those of you who don’t already know, I lost my Mother to Pancreatic Cancer last August….so this Mothers Day was a difficult one.
Overall, I think I’ve been dealing with Mom’s death rather well. I have no regrets about our relationship. I said everything I needed to say to her, she knew how I felt about her, I knew how she felt about me, I know I did everything within my power to help her during her illness. But, the fact remains, I miss her beyond measure.
I’ve been doing some thinking about those “Five Stages of Grief” we often hear about: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I’ve personally experienced 3 of the 5; anger, depression and acceptance. It’s said that most people experience all of these, but not everyone. “They” also say these stages can occur in any order, what they don’t say, is that some of them may pop up over and over again…which is something I’ve been discovering.
I mean, it’s not like I’ve never experienced the loss of a loved one before. I lost my Great-Grandmother in 1997, and my Grandfather in 2003 both of them were quite precious to me. Yet, those losses did nothing to prepare me for the profound level of grief I have experienced through the loss of Mom.
When the loss is of someone who has been your anchor, teacher, caregiver, support system for the entirety of your life, I guess it’s only natural that the depression stage emerges more than once. It doesn’t help that I’m already predisposed to depression…
So, how have I been dealing? By soldiering through. As Mothers Day approached, I started to feel her lack of presence…at least physical presence. When the issue with the folks down the street emerged, I wanted to call her, and vent and have her get me to laugh…but I couldn’t. Yes, I can talk to her – duh, I’m a witch who has a pretty strong connection with her ancestors – but, it’s not the same. But, I had shit to do, and as Mom once said (ok, maybe more than once, lol) “When there’s shit to do, it’s got to get done, so just fucking do it!” Yeah…I got my gift of colorful language from her, lol.
So, I got my shit done. I also finally took a few moments to let myself actually feel the sadness on Wednesday. I shed a few tears…and then I just felt…better. I’ve also been looking to a specific line in the Wiccan Rede:
When misfortune is enow, wear the star upon your brow”
This line is basically telling us to trust in The Goddess and your Faith to see you through difficult times. To remind us that everything happens for a reason…whether we like it or not, and whether or not we ever learn what the reason may be. Remarkably, it has been helping me since Mom first called me with her diagnosis.
The support of those around me has also made an immense impact on my ability to deal with it all. Yet another reason I am grateful to have become part of The Coven of Sangha-Sho…Their love & compassion has been a remarkable gift.
So, my journey through grief continues. Some days are good…some not so good. But, as long as I keep moving forward, and don’t allow myself to get stuck in a big ol’ pile of deep, dark, emotional muck, I think I’ll be alright.