I recently read an article about healing and how sometimes we have parts of ourselves that just don’t seem to want to heal. I had to admit to myself that there was something in what they were saying about how when we choose something that isn’t the best for us that there may be a hidden part that for some reason doesn’t want to heal. It was a bit of a shocker because its true.
I know that many times I continue to choose to hang out with a person who leaves me feeling drained and used up. I make choices to do things that I don’t want to do and that leave me feeling empty and directionless. I stay in relationships because its easier than causing upset or hurt feelings. Even the choices of that hamburger over that salad thought I know I will feel better – healthier with the salad. I know that I will feel better if I make the choices that I know are for my best life… but still there is something that stops me from making that “Enlightened Choice”.
It happens unconsciously which is why I’ve not noticed it before but I self-sabotage. That’s a hard thing to admit when you have spent so much time working on yourself and trying to learn and grow and heal. Why does some part of me resist healing, especially when I have struggled for so long to face my demons? I’ve come to realize that the part of me that gives battle against me is the part of me that needs my attention. That area hides the information that will help me to heal. Sometimes all it takes is the realization that I am self-sabotaging. It’s almost like it is a light that suddenly, shines through the darkness and reveals what the real issue is.
Question is though; if it works on the unconscious then how do I bring it into the conscious? I know when I am not making the right decisions – I have sat before that quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a milkshake, or have said yes to doing something that I knew was not the choice that would make me happy. I have known that I wasn’t making the healthy choice for myself. Sometimes I just must stop and say, “Wait! I am not taking care of myself by doing this.” Often this gives me that proverbial kick in the butt that helps me to stop and look at what is happening.
What next? I’ve been finding that sometimes just bringing that spotlight of awareness to the fact that I am not making the right choice often helps me to deal with the part of me resists healing. Sometimes I have deeper work to do… but the point is that I can’t do that work unless I am aware what it is that I need to be working on/with. I am tired of being afraid of these parts that seem to resist and sabotage the good work that I have been doing on healing the demons of my past and the ways that I have learned to cope with and be in the world.
So, for now, I will embrace those wounded places that don’t want to heal and bring them to the light… I will let you know how it goes! I am sure there will be more on this topic in the future.